I used to want answers from him. Now I realise it doesn’t matter what he says. He made us all feel like shit so he is not a friend. He’s abandoned his children so he is not a father. I know I need to stop focusing on him but he has done so much damage and I’ve uncovered so much that it is taking me a long time to deal with how it’s making me feel.
Each discovery drew me back. The latest one being that he’s not been happy with our relationship for past 6 years. Did he ever think to communicate that to me, to discuss with me? No. He’d just slag me off to strangers on the Internet instead. Two faced twat!
He is totally two faced to everyone. He paints a picture of who he thinks they want him to be. I feel sorry for slutface’s mum and dad. I tried to warn her. She knows best. It is now not my job to care about her or them.
I sent slutface’s mother a Facebook messenger message last year. It was unread for months…. I told my version of events. Does she believe it? I now don’t care. If she thinks me crazy then please ask, ‘what prompted her and drive her to message me’? To speak my truth. I know he manipulates so I wanted to get in their first. To protect them. To save them. He is amoral and deceitful. A lying pig. But now I have to use my energies for new things. If slutface is so smart let her deal with him. Even the fact I have to word it like that shows where the power imbalance is. People do not go off in a rage and start writing blogs without a catalyst. If he hadn’t done these things to emotionally harm me (Unintentional or not) I would not have written to her. He wouldn’t give me closure so I have to make my own. My life, my rules. If it makes me feel better I’ll do it. And I wanted to do it before the fact, before they came to know him but she didn’t read it for several months, by that time he was as already ensconced but the date I sent it is on it.
Why does the madness now lie with me? Why is my head fucked because of his treatment? It’s insidious. I want it gone. I felt like I need to fight it but to fight it I have to understand that it is not me. That it never was. I am plain and simple. I want to be that again. I want to enjoy life, have good friends, a caring boyfriend, good sex, nice holidays, adventures, good food. Simple. I don’t need the games, the lies, the unravelling. How do I change it around? Where do I store all the crap he’s put in my head? How do I clear it? Self affirmations? More counselling? Belief in me? Positivity? Bright sides?
To be honest I am scared. I can’t trust love. It is duplicitous. I can’t trust new men. They might be lying. I dread going out with friends. I’ll be boring or else just talk about the latest thing 💩 ex has done. (I think from now on I’ll refer to him as 💩. But maybe that icon is too cute! What’s the worst, most pathetic emoticon? 👺👍)
My power is there for me to claim. I don’ t want to turn in to a cold-hearted, toughened up, bitch but maybe I’ll have to. Nice gets you nothing.