Closure Warning

I used to want answers from him. Now I realise it doesn’t matter what he says. He made us all feel like shit so he is not a friend. He’s abandoned his children so he is not a father. I know I need to stop focusing on him but he has done so much damage and I’ve uncovered so much that it is taking me a long time to deal with how it’s making me feel.

Each discovery drew me back. The latest one being that he’s not been happy with our relationship for past 6 years. Did he ever think to communicate that to me, to discuss with me? No. He’d just slag me off to strangers on the Internet instead. Two faced twat!

He is totally two faced to everyone. He paints a picture of who he thinks they want him to be. I feel sorry for slutface’s mum and dad. I tried to warn her. She knows best. It is now not my job to care about her or them.

I sent slutface’s mother a Facebook messenger message last year. It was unread for months…. I told my version of events. Does she believe it? I now don’t care. If she thinks me crazy then please ask, ‘what prompted her and drive her to message me’? To speak my truth. I know he manipulates so I wanted to get in their first. To protect them. To save them. He is amoral and deceitful. A lying pig. But now I have to use my energies for new things. If slutface is so smart let her deal with him. Even the fact I have to word it like that shows where the power imbalance is. People do not go off in a rage and start writing blogs without a catalyst. If he hadn’t done these things to emotionally harm me (Unintentional or not) I would not have written to her. He wouldn’t give me closure so I have to make my own. My life, my rules. If it makes me feel better I’ll do it. And I wanted to do it before the fact, before they came to know him but she didn’t read it for several months, by that time he was as already ensconced but the date I sent it is on it.

Why does the madness now lie with me? Why is my head fucked because of his treatment? It’s insidious. I want it gone. I felt like I need to fight it but to fight it I have to understand that it is not me. That it never was. I am plain and simple. I want to be that again. I want to enjoy life, have good friends, a caring boyfriend, good sex, nice holidays, adventures, good food. Simple. I don’t need the games, the lies, the unravelling. How do I change it around? Where do I store all the crap he’s put in my head? How do I clear it? Self affirmations? More counselling? Belief in me? Positivity? Bright sides?

To be honest I am scared. I can’t trust love. It is duplicitous. I can’t trust new men. They might be lying. I dread going out with friends. I’ll be boring or else just talk about the latest thing đź’© ex has done. (I think from now on I’ll refer to him as đź’©. But maybe that icon is too cute! What’s the worst, most pathetic emoticon? đź‘şđź‘Ť)

My power is there for me to claim. I don’ t want to turn in to a cold-hearted, toughened up, bitch but maybe I’ll have to. Nice gets you nothing.



I have just read the above article. Studying and reading about narcissism, sociopathic disorders and psychology seems to consume me still but without doing so I’d have cracked up.  (even more so)

The only way to outsmart your enemy is to understand them. Be a step ahead. I never will be a step ahead as my brain doesn’t think like theirs. I don’t compute in the same way. I’m not out to fill a void, to lie, manipulate and deceive. I don’t have to pretend what my likes and dislikes are, I don’t have to lie about my talents or abilities. I don’t have to say I can drive when I can’t, I don’t have to say that I own a food catering truck, I don’t have to say that my partner won’t let me get tattoos!? (WTF!?) I don’t have to say I have no money to pay bills yet come home with a pair of Nike, I don’t have to say I hate chicken and KFC yet go there quite regularly with Slutface, I don’t have to deny my long-term partner sex (even when she is pleading) (coz he’s getting it elsewhere), I don’t  have to pretend to be in a car crash, I don’t have to manipulate people into giving me money for a business that wasn’t even his idea. (I funded his slags/my tenants business.)  I don’t have to pretend I like smoking weed and go out and buy it for my ‘beau’ because that is what she likes to do, I don’t have to pretend to enjoy karaoke (not something I had known him ever do, even though I loved it given the right conditions plus alcohol, which made me think… Does he have more fun with her?) to make out like I am a fun loving guy! I could go on and on….

Oh, and I don’t have to pretend that my ex is denying me seeing my children when in fact it is his self, and his guilt and his shame that prevents him, else it is his callousness and self serving nature, that he does not know how to participate in life as an adult so will wait on someone else sorting it for him (cue mummy and her lawyers but that is for a different blog day….)

I am not denying him seeing his children, I am just not making it easy for him or offering. If he wanted to he would find a way, he’d take me to court, he’d write me a letter, he’d phone the house. He shows no interest. I hate him more for that. Knowingly exploding his children’s lives. I didn’t explode it. I read a text and confronted him. He carried out all his actions against me, against us as a family, he took the money that would feed and clothe his children, that keeps a roof over their head, for his own selfish needs. He conned of me for his own selfish needs. He was never a provider. Thank God it is not still cave man times or I and the babies would have been dead long ago!

Bad choices!

My life with him was a bad choice. A niaive choice. A “he’ll come good” choice. I supported. He used. I offered. He took. What has he given me? Nothing. Everything is my own. He was a sperm donor. He pretended like he wanted the same but he didn’t. Too fearful to vocalise what he really wants, needs, feels. Sham of a man.

So now to keep Slutface sweet he is playing a different role. She’ll be loving that he’s given his kids up for her. She thought he was a go-getting business builder, that owned his own house, that could drive, that cared about his kids. Now look what she’s got…. A guy who can’t even provide her with shelter. Her dad has to do that… Oh, and that is what dad’s are meant to do! My dad fixes things for me, gives me and the kids money, gives me his advice and wisdom, wants the best for me. Mr crazy ex on the other hand doesn’t give a shit and is only doing most of it for image management.

“she won’t let me see the kids… ” = she probably has her reasons and is protecting them from more lies and damage.” she’s a control freak ” = someone has to take responsibility for gas, telephone, mortgages, where to live, what car to buy, clothes for kids….  {oh, on an aside, I’ve just remembered. He did used to but them clothes but the last few times he did Bitch was with him, at her own confession, she helped him pick out clothes for my kids. He bought his son a jumper from h&m that said ‘berlin’ on it. I thought it was sweet because it reminded us all of the holiday we’d had there as a family. Bitch too thought it was sweet as it reminded her of their time there together and how much he missed his son while away on a holiday with her and a nod to their new business venture. (Whilst his mum looked after the kids as I had left them remember …) This ruins my head. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him! The warped and twisted schemes in his head are unimaginable. He is damaged}

When I try unravel stuff like that I am scared of him. I am well rid. Say one thing, do another (or not do it at all) is his motto.  I wish I knew all this years ago, I wish I knew how to read and decipher people years ago but that only comes with experience.

En guarde.

The only way to really forgive a narcissist


“The more I kept searching for this mature person, the more I was triggering my ex’s panic of being exposed. There was no reasonable mature person behind that mask and the disordered stump of a man simply couldn’t handle the pressure of me wanting to have an adult conversation. The manipulative lying little child couldn’t handle the fear of what would happen if the truth was found out.”

Tereza's Health Blog

A relationship with a narcissist is a mind-boggling experience. Long after the entire pedestal – devaluation – discard cycle had been completed, after the narcissist’s mask fell off and you saw that ruthless enemy behind the face of your prince charming, you might still be experiencing all sorts of emotions. The love is gone, the feeling of having lost someone special is gone but there might still be occasional bursts of disbelief, disgust, contempt and anger.

Instead of longing for a peaceful closure, you now sometimes feel like you would want to press a hot iron into the narcissist’s face. This happens as all sorts of flashbacks and feelings come to the surface. It’s called delayed anger and it’s typical for those that have been subject to covert aggression and manipulation. You really experience the anger only after it all clicks and you see the behaviour for what it was…

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The Narcissist’s Mask: How to detect it

I aspire to write such a cohesive and explanatory manner. I have the emotional knowledge just not the ‘jargon’ to adequately describe what I understand of my ex partners behaviour and life techniques.
I now understand more about myself psychologically. Through his abuse I am reclaiming myself and understanding the the world is not the same for everyone, our thought processes are influenced by our childhoods and how we were treated. The feelings we were left with follow us into adulthood. Many of us do not realise to what extent until it is too late.
Talking about our issues helps. Sweeping them under the carpet perpetuates the mystery, suffering and loneliness.

Tereza's Health Blog

Someone recently asked on Quora what would be the main thing survivors of narcissistic relationships would want the world to understand about narcissism.

I knew immediately what that would be and I feel I should give that topic a bit more love here on my blog.

The most important thing that everyone should understand about narcissism is the narcissist’s mask, how it operates and how it differs from what the narcissist’s scapegoat (child, partner, sibling) is experiencing.

Because of this mask, which frequently seriously is an Oscar-worthy act, targets of narcissists get further victimised and punished by the society. They are being judged as crazy and emotionally unstable because they react to the narcissist’s mind-fuck behaviour. The narcissist (or a psychopath by that matter) remains cool and composed and somehow people believe him or her.

Lessons from serial killers

 I will use an example of a very extreme…

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Okay. Now to focus on me. I said at the outset this would not define me, his actions would not undo me. I have came close, I have wept uncontrollably, I have crumbled, I have faced every emotion with the span of an hour, every hour, I have not slept properly for over 10 months, I have raged, I have nearly walked away, I have been determined, I have played an unnecessary cat and mouse game. He gave up long ago and in fact was never really in the game. Anyone else would contest a divorce, prove their assets, sort out child maintenance payments, sort out mortgage, sort out custody or parental arrangements and I expected a fight, I expected kramer vs kramer. But nothing….

I hounded him to sign things, I courier delivered his possessions to him, I closed the bank accounts, I sorted the mortgages, I told the other women, I told his mother, his mother then told me his truth which sent me into a spiral, I confronted and communicated with all the people who have been duped. I am mighty. I am strong. I’ve had to be. I’ve known nothing else.

I’ve always been self determined and quietly gutsy. My silence is my strength. I do not have to be overtly vocal to prove my worth.  I like who I am. I need polished but on the whole I’m okay.

So this is now why it is my fault he is not seeing the kids. This is why his mother blames me and posts statuses about parental alienation – his own self inflicted alienation. But to explain away why he never sees his kids he has to paint me as the bad one! When did he last try to see them? When did he last ask? February 2016. Then he never showed up. I have to show up every fucking day whilst he can wallow and have his spasms and go to the pub, smoke weed and shag her brains out. Priorities of the self.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish. Love and self love is to be encouraged but disrespecting and shafting others to pursue your own entitlement but pretending you are the hard done by one is total manipulation.

I need to focus on me. Who I am. What I like. What my passions are that are not tied in to his. That is the hardest. Unraveling me from him. Did I really like brutalist architecture or was it because it was what he liked?  No, I like it. French sixties pop? I like it.  I am fine with myself. I just need to have more faith in who I am and time to rediscover myself.

I think for a lot of my life I’ve been waiting on it clicking, or getting to the bliss point not realising I was already there. It’s like my reality never matched expectation. My expectation was too high. I thought I knew what life should feel like but I was in his negativity orbit.

I am glad it has all happened. I can look back with wisdom and a wee smile that tells me that ‘she’ knew you’d get through this. Everyday was a learning curve. I feel reborn. I wish I’d had this years ago. My outlook to life has changed for the better. I am not panicky, I am not as anxious. I can step back. I don’t have to react or chase up things straight away. Let it step. I know my worth. I am mighty. I have proven just how so.

I have been traumatised, ransacked, depleted, my innards cored out. But I replenished myself. I worked hard. I’m glad of my anger, it’s toughened me up. I’m glad he was a fanny. It proves I’m not. I’m glad I don’t have to carry him along anymore. My life would be so different if I had paired with someone less demented. I cast no blame. His trauma comes from somewhere but was never dealt with. I have been dealing with his trauma and my current trauma in tandem and with my kids future trauma. Trying to plant the right seed that’ll make it less of a hotbed in their futures. Getting to ‘meh’!

Two Faces

I have so much to wade through still. It is getting a bit lighter but has changed direction in terms of emotional focus. I eventually got to ‘meh’. At last! Hallelujah!

It has been tough to get over a 2 decade long relationship where you slowly uncover the cowardly spite, lies, manipulation tactics, deceit and two-facedness.

If he hated me that much why did he stay. Why did he cover his tracks? Why did he use my money, my heart, my resources? Why did he never tell me he was not happy? If I was such a “control freak” how did he manage to get away with all he had done? He was a fantasist. A facsimile. A projection. He mirrored my needs and values without dealing with his own issues. I guessed and knew what they were for years but he never said it out loud.

He has told slutface. This will garner sympathy and excuse. But I hope she always questions what he says and does. Live with suspicion. She is doing all the hard work. He will coast along as usual and pretend he is a decent person. Maybe in 5 years time or so he will remain his decency. But I think every few years he has to cheat and lie to feel like a man.

We all make mistakes and errors of judgements but we do not always continue deceptions for years and lead triple lives. It’s quite comical really. He doesn’t have any backbone so tags along on everyone else’s lives. Too scared to make his own furrow without having his hand held (or money provided or expertise utilised or girlfriends parent’s caravan to hole up in.) It’s actually pathetic and makes me feel sorry for him…

The two facedness must be heredity is all I can say… Say one thing and do another. Tell people you like them, then talk about them behind their backs. Not in a concerned or caring way but in a mocking and scoffing way. Thinking they are the bees knees when they haven’t even confronted their own issues. Who are they to pass judgement?

I may be accused of passing judgment by writing this blog but I can prove my accusations with evidence. He does everything in a panic that he forgets who knows who, who said what, what pieces of evidence he left behind, what his computer told me. He abandoned it all. Walked away from his life. He was waiting on me exploding it as is usual, he doesn’t do anything unless it benefits him. Abandoned kids too as that would be too much like hard work to continue to make an effort to be in their lives. He’d have to face me, talk to me and as we know he is not very good at that. Lip service all the way.  He made a pact with me to be there for the kids when it all got discovered but since he has no love in his heart,  apart from sexually induced love, then this was never going to be the case. He tells her it’s me that’s stopping him seeing them. No it’s himself.

I have found out so much about this character I once loved. It’s scary. Small things that would have made our life so different if they were true. Even things of a sexual preference. And to be cruel and filthy for a moment – I always knew he wanted it up the arse but was too cowardly to express his desires. She now services him in that way. Each to their own as I pass no judgement on folks bedroom activities but such passions can only be fulfilled with discussion, communication, chat. He can set up an ill-conceived businesslike chat with another women yet can tell me he “fucking hates” me and that I’m a shit stirrer when I blow his stories sky high and point out the facts.

I do not have cards on myself. I respect myself. He has no self-respect. I am sick of thinking about his psychological make up. I need to focus on my own. I am getting there. His flawed character is more interesting to focus on than mine. (at the moment). I’m sure this will all change when I analyse myself some more. I have enjoyed counselling sessions. They made me see that I am not that warped. As ever, it is other people’s actions that drive you to insanity and crazy hot headedness. Hurt people, hurt people.

Recovery – What Phase are You In?

After Narcissistic Abuse

This word conjures up many intense feelings for former targets of narcissists.  It’s no surprise that when we first free ourselves, we are apprehensize to embrace the concept of recovery. To do so is a reminder that we must again expend our energy “changing” and “fixing ourselves” to deal with yet another transgression by the narcissistic people around us.

In assessing the receptiveness of targets to authors and healers in the narcissistic abuse community, we find feedback shows that targets respond less favorably to those healers who shame or focus on labeling targets as “victims”, “codependent” or whose program blames targets for enabling or bringing on their own abuse.  We’ve also found historically that our blog posts which focus on ourselves and recovery are not our most popular posts.

Our approach has always been “target trusted and target led”. By that we mean, that we focus on the individual and trust that…

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