Yossarian Lives

“If one is crazy, one does not have to fly missions; and one must be crazy to fly. But one has to apply to be excused, and applying demonstrates that one is not crazy. As a result, one must continue flying, either not applying to be excused, or applying and being refused.”

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I am jumping out of the chronological order I wanted to diarise about. I need to document this before it gets hijacked and gets turned around to be my fault and I am painted as being cruel. I have a conscience, which is why I am forfeiting my account and planned narrative and jumping in with present day events…

As of 29th January I was convinced I would be able to work out this mess. To see me and the kids alright, to navigate a fairly decent path. Now I am not so sure. He has played the ‘poor me’  victim card early and may yet get his followers to paint me in a bad light. I knew I should have done this diary in real time rather than with an 8 week delay.

Now this may read as paranoia but I am suffering too please remember. I never wanted any of this. I did not cheat with two women, I did not con money from people, I did not lie to almost every person I came into contact with, I did not manipulate people for my own narcissistic ends, did not abandon my children.

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By having a ‘breakdown’ and presenting himself as suffering both mentally and now physically it should not automatically permit the use of a get out of jail free card. The actions were still taken, the plans formed and enacted, the deceit carried out, the emotional abuse heaped, the lies expertly sown, the abandonment covered up. He left me and the kids long ago. Maybe he didn’t leave us physically (unless you count his secret trips away) but he discarded us all mentally and did not care about the consequences of his actions. He acted in self interest at all time and I believe he has been doing so for years. I was just the enabler, the elastic safety net. He admitted himself that I was “collateral damage” in a battle I did not even know I should have been fighting in.

What am I trying to say? In a jumbled way I am trying to say that just because you have been taken by ambulance, panicked Slutface into calling your mother, got the doctors marvelling at what a unique case you are and bought some time so you don’t have to deal with things it does not make your treatment of me, your family, your colleagues, your two mistresses any less disgusting and appalling. It is another text book maneuver from a coward who rather than stepping up and dealing with the various issues, debtors, questions, paperwork, confrontation and awkwardness instead turns inward and makes it all about him. Gets his mother to feel sorry for him, she will end up fighting his battles, advising him, putting him first, denouncing me for being so cruel and heartless at your worst juncture in life,she will perhaps encourage you not to deal with things just yet, she will put you back in the main role when it should be your kids who’s priorities come first. She will fight your cause to make herself look good.

God knows what will happen to Slutface? You need her to take care of you as you don’t really want to be looked after by your mommy. With Slutface and your mother both fawning over you, you will feel like you are being well served and I again become the cruel bint that drove you to madness.

I pray non of this comes true. If it does in a few weeks time then I am screwed and will have such a fight to prove I am not the baddy in this situation. Time will tell. It is a catch 22 situation. Another full circle yet half truth exposed.

“If one is crazy, one does not have to fly missions; and one must be crazy to fly. But one has to apply to be excused, and applying demonstrates that one is not crazy. As a result, one must continue flying, either not applying to be excused, or applying and being refused.”

Horror

So, imagine my horror when I read texts from Bitch saying she loves him and misses him and can’t wait until he gets back from Iceland (the country, not the frozen food place! lol!) I went numb I froze yet I was trembling.  Shocked with disbelief. Sickness and horror washed over me.

I panicked.

It was morning and the kids were still at breakfast . I cam downstairs. Shaking. I’d been suffering from a urine infection for the past few days and I was in agony with it and kept feeling as if I needed to go pee.  Cystitis is no fun. I think I said to him, “I’d better not have caught anything because of you.”  “What’s been going on?”  I know about you and ******!” And his face fell. He didn’t deny or confirm it – he didn’t need to , he knew it was out there now.

We had hushed, heated discussions as the kids were about and kept wandering into the kitchen. I had to rush upstairs to go pee again and this time I lifted his phone and took it with me to the bathroom to read the texts properly. I sat down to pee and started to go through them – there was hundreds. I flicked through them but couldn’t really focus on the sentences – just words flashing by that stabbed my heart. He ws in love with her, she with him, desperate to see each other, arranging to meet, making plans around work commitments.

He must have known I was up to something as I heard him run upstairs and into the bedroom. Then he shouted out “Give me my phone!” “Where’s my phone?” He kicked the locked bathroom door open whilst I was sitting on the loo. I was shit scared he was going to hit me. He glared at me with eyes that were filled with rage and nastiness, desperation and terror. He snatched the phone off me. I was shaking and terrified. He was shagging the bitch we rented our flat to. Our old family home of 7 years. She was paying rent into my bank account…

{Ah, prostitute – he prostituted himself to Bitch and she paid me to sleep with him – as I wasn’t, considering we’d just had a baby and I was tired, traumatised and on edge and he never felt like doing it or showed any inclination or response for months. I think our baby girl was 9 months old before we had sex again. Even during my pregnancy he didn’t want it. Which would have been the perfect time to have sex based on the last time I was pregnant and we kept at it until I was too big. This pregnancy – nothing!  But the pregnancy had been horrendous. I was ill. Vomiting blood, dizzy, faint, thyroid worries. I was losing weight. I was ill and off work for 11 weeks at the start of my pregnancy. It was an awful experience. I’m glad my first pregnancy had been so enjoyable as I would have never ventured there again if they all felt like that one}

I’d read enough to know what I was dealing with. What a slime he was. At that point I had no idea how long it had been going on for. I’d had a few suspicions and concerns that I’d voiced and we’d talked about. Else I’d talk about and he then promised himself to be more careful!  I can’t remember the details of their texts but the main theme was loud and clear.

I had to start work at lunchtime. So I said goodbye to the kids and went to work. Except I didn’t. I went to our old flat to confront  the bitch, to tell her to get out, pack her things and fuck off. Except no-one was home!  So I sat in the car and went over what I could remember. He had said previously that she worked in a cafe. Her texts were full of arrangements about shifts and where she was working on what day. A word kept popping into my memory – ‘Rubus’. When reading the texts it didn’t make any sense to me. I thought Rubus may have been the name of her cat! Then it suddenly dawned on me – that’s the kind of shitty name a cafe might be called, so I Googled it. Bingo!  THere was a ‘Rubus’ cafe in the next town, a short commute by train – 2 or 3 stops away. I drove to the cafe…

Now when Bitch agreed to rent our flat it was he who suggested that Bitch might be interested, that she was looking for a place after divorcing from her husband.  Since he’d worked with her for a few years I thought she must be okay. I now since know that their ‘relationship, probably as friends, started a long time ago. No wonder another colleague who worked with them didn’t trust wither of them.

Remembrance Sunday

If your significant other is cagey with their phone do you get suspicious?

Do they let you use their phone? Do they let the kids play games on it? Google something? Let you browse their photos?

I would have let him have my phone to look through anytime, to read texts out loud to me as they came in (if I was driving), look up a number or address in my contacts, to take a photo. I had nothing to hide.

If they always have their phone on their person, always in their hand or in their pocket yet it never rings or beeps as it is on silent or vibrate. It’s never out their hand, always texting, take it to the bathroom, never leave it on worktop to charge, sleep with it under their pillow, if you awake during the night to you see the glow from the phone & you ask what they are up to and they say, “Oh, just reading an article…” and your hackles go up because you are not convinced. Do you think they are playing never ending Pokemon Go?  Does their behaviour alert you? Red-flags? Do you find yourself saying, “Put your phone down and play with your child.”

For once he left his phone lying on the pillow charging & had gone downstairs.  He slipped up. I bet he is so annoyed at himself.  All this time and not caught out? Or maybe he wanted to be caught? And I was too slow and not investigative enough for him – he’d left some clues but not enough for me to care.  Did he think I was as thick as mince?  No, I am very astute and I had other concerns going on at that point in life – like a new baby, tiredness, parenting two kids whilst he “worked” long hours.

Every detail I hold up to the light can be unpicked – everything had an ulterior motive.  I can see it plainly now (after the event) but not at the time, I was too busy surviving and coping with various issues, and thought he was supporting me/us and not stabbing me in the back. Maybe he thought I was too busy for him. That poor diddums didn’t get enough attention, maybe he felt left out, like this wasn’t the life he wanted.  It wasn’t panning out very well.  Maybe he hated being the father of a gorgeous little baby girl? Maybe it was too much hard work? He wanted to put himself first and give the impression he was a good guy, caring about his family, he was a hard worker, yet had to get a loan off me, he was a decent boyfriend but had to get them to pay for the holidays they went on.  Where has his money went? What has he been doing with it?  I think it went up his nose and down his gullet. Vices – I think he has many that are well hidden!  Maybe he felt under pressure to earn more and couldn’t or didn’t want to? In all honesty I think he was in the wrong job. It’s as if he is forcing himself to play a role that he is not entirely comfortable with.  Who is he copying now? Bitch? Slutface? Bitch is the crossover link between me and her, then slutface is the stepping stone to the next stage of his life.

Maybe he felt his own mortality by having another kids.  He was always the one telling me to look in the bright side, see the positive.  Maybe he saw the life he had with me and the kids as negative and he wanted to balance it out with a bit of selfish positivity.

Only he can give me answers.  We’ve known each other and been a couple for nearly 21 years and I don’t deserve and answers….? Only he can give them to me or do i just walk away and give up to. I don’t want to patch our relationship up I just want a few loose ends tied up but I don’t think he knows how to do that. If he can’t pay a tax bill online, he can’t talk to me about an issues that is depriving his kids of many,time spent with family, sending them to stay at their gran’s most weekend. It’s all a mirror of his life whereas I bring to the table a new mirror, I have to look after them completely – just like my mum did to me, She had no help apart from her mum. His mum was out doing her own thing and now he is out doing his own thing.

Maybe he hates me that much that he feels I do not deserve answers (that I should know what’s up with him) We’ve known each other 21 years and I don’t deserve any answers?? How weak and self centred is that.

How’s that for a warped way of viewing your partner.  We were engaged for fuck’s sake!  If you love someone and ask them to marry you and buy them a ring, then chances are pretty good that you think they love you and want to be with you.  Unless all that was just a con to keep me sweet too.

Let’s try this feeling out or let’s try this persona out. “Does she like me more if I am good or bad?”,  “How can I keep her attention?”,  “What does this person need to have like me or respect me?”, ” How can I make them like me more even though I despise everything they value? “What are my own opinions or do I just latch on to others life stories and make them my own. Twist and adapt to suit??

I have been here before with him.  He had cheated on me before about 12 years ago.  I found out by accident that time too.  I was in utter shock just like this time.  Expect the unexpected!  He gives them what they want to hear yet stealthily takes it away with the other hand or plays them whilst they are not looking.  Manipulate them so they become more insecure, so they are a pawn in your game.

I digress… I took the opportunity to look at his phone since it was just lying there unguarded for once. I hadn’t and had never felt the need to check up on him since around 2010.  After this first affair/ case of cheating I couldn’t help but check up on him , his phone and email.  Maybe he was waiting for me to relax about that before picking up where he left off several years ago.  ‘Now she is not suspicious I can start my exploitative and sneaky behaviour again. Get my thrills again.  Why not just tell me he wasn’t happy? Why put me through this trauma?

I still had to carry it through, face up, go to work, they still need clothes, time spent with them, food etc, they need their parents to be on their side… I’m not the one abandoning them, walking out their lives. You know there is no way back from this!

Thank You Friends

The discovery of a partners affair is traumatic. Well, it’s traumatic and gut wrenching if you love them with all your heart. It’s traumatic when you realise there had been many red flags that were expertly explained away, glossed over or were just plain puzzling but by themselves were no clue as to what really was going on. Now I really do wish I had listened to my gut, to my instincts and intuition. I wish I had been less accepting, less trusting, more demanding, less lenient, more suspicious and followed up on what my insides were screaming at me.

Relationships are based on trust and if he lies to you all the time how are you supposed to trust him and believe what he says?  It’s a headache to keep verifying and checking if he’s lying or not, asking for evidence or quizzing him everyday.  That’s not what a relationship is.  It shouldn’t be founded on lies.

It feels like the last two years of my life have been a lie, the whole time period since my daughter was born.  I don’t know when exactly the deception and manipulation of reality started but I discovered my life with him was based on lies and half-truths on Remembrance Sunday 2016. The day the world exploded around me and I became shell-shocked, wounded, maimed, I became a casualty of a battle I didn’t know I was taking part in or had to fight in.  It shall be ever etched as a part of me, that day started a series of discoveries that became more and more unreal until I didn’t know what was up or what was down.  My life compass became skewed as much as his moral compass was obviously skewed.  To write about it now, after the initial event, seems like many life times ago.  I’ve been through that many stages and metamorphosis of emotions that my life since that day has been surreal.
The discovery of a partners affair is traumatic. Well, it’s traumatic and gut wrenching if you love them with all your heart. It’s traumatic when you realise there had been many red flags that were expertly explained away, glossed over or were just plain puzzling but by themselves were no clue as to what really was going on.  Now I really do wish I had listened to my gut, to my instincts and intuition.  I wish I had been less accepting, less trusting, more demanding, less lenient, more suspicious and followed up on what my insides were screaming at me.  The nights I cried myself to sleep because he still hadn’t came home from work even though he said he was finishing at 5pm, wondering why he often came in stinking of booze – a drink after work… Me bending over backwards and arranging childcare so he could go away with work for days at a time, not asking him for money to pay the bills as I didn’t want to make him feel inferior.
The stage had been well set for many years.  I work hard, pay the bills, organise all the finances, insurances, utility bills, pay the mortgage like a good girl because I supposedly earn more.  I thought it was my choice to do this but I now see that if he had any respect or consideration he would have been asking to pay some of them, wanting to halve in, not just reap the benefits and use the resources without any responsibility.  Pride would dictate that you would want to chip in and pay your way, not ride off the back of another, how does that prove your worth, give you a say, make you involved?  A father surely wants to provide for his family?  To make his unit secure?  Provide warmth and shelter, food and drink. I think he thought if he bought the groceries occasionally that was him contributing.  To not even ask or realise what things cost is immature and irresponsible.  To leave all the burden up to me is selfish and lazy.  I maybe gave the impression that I wanted to and could handle it all but that was embedded at the start of our relationship when he moved in with me.  I presume we both thought it was my flat so I was responsible for the bills, I had the better paying job, I loved him so didn’t want to pressure him. I’m sure he did contribute sometimes or else that would have been a shitty way to live but all the bills were under my name as it was my property and he wasn’t registered for council tax as only I lived there (wink wink).
Nothing was formalised we just had fun together, enjoyed ourselves, went out drinking after work, had days out together, went shopping together, hung about, went dancing, had lazy days in bed, out for walks, meals out, meals in, all the very normal things that couples do together.  We loved each other completely back then, or so I thought.
I would not have been with him for so long if I didn’t feel it was a good relationship.  We fitted well. I know he is good at hiding things but I didn’t realise how hiding things can easily be turned into deception, lies based on half-truths are probably easier to remember. The skewed twist on reality gives it the conviction it needs, the depth of detail is there since the lie is based on a real event. I am sure it has gone from little white lies to get out a scrape or two, to full-blown I am a different person to who I say I am lies.  Lies that we’re so true they could only be believable.
How did it get to this stage without me realising, why didn’t I know? The answer is he didn’t want me to know. One can only trust what your partner tells you or leads you to believe is true until the evidence contradicts otherwise or they slip up after becoming too cocky and thinking they are masters of deception who can pull this whole stunt off.  What a shame I found out certain details when I did.  I am sure he is cursing me for blowing his whole life sky-high.  Well, my life has gone up too, our kids’ lives, our families’ lives, bitch womans life, Slutface’s life – their families will be dragged in too, our friends are affected (mostly by my upset and astonishment) and I am so glad that alongside my parents I also have my friends during this.  I will be eternally glad. I thank each and every one of them, near and far, close or not that close but supportive none the less.
Thank you friends.  Your words and support are getting me through. xxx

What Hell is This?

He was a great dad, a wonderful lover, a kind man. Yet he was dishonest, a cheater, a manipulator, emotionally abusive on a subtle level, financially abusive, a fraudster.

Yes, there are plenty blogs written about cheating and infidelity.  The journey that an offended party goes on is surely similar in many respects. Discovery or admission, panic or rage, shock or denial, pleading and bargaining, guilt and sadness, anger and destruction, tears or depression, pity or acceptance. The process in all its forms is horrendous.  I have been betrayed previously (by the same man) but this time I am totally bereft, we have a family, a nice house, a comfortable life, I thought we loved each other completely and whole heartedly.

I am aghast that my partner not only had sex with someone else (I could have handled that), I am rocked to my core at the level of deceit involved. The lies, the betrayal, the reassurances that everything between us was okay and that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted us to be a family, that he was working hard for us; a conscientous family guy who took on jobs and worked long hours. He was a great dad, a wonderful lover, a kind man. Yet he was dishonest, a cheater, a manipulator, emotionally abusive on a subtle level, financially abusive, a fraudster.  Hell, if he had the marriage certificates he’d be a bigamist!

The pain of our story has wrecked me yet it has allowed me to re-evaluate myself.  As is common I blamed myself for his affair – not pretty enough, not caring enough, not desirable enough, too controlling, too weak, too successful, too kind, too trusting, too lazy, too boring, too mumsy, too damaged by my own issues and concerns.  All stones that I knew I was throwing at myself in my need for an answer as to why he’d done this.  I cannot even now think of anything I have done either intentionally or accidentally that would in any way justify his behaviour towards me over the last two years.  Behaviour that has shaken me loose, that has the potential to destroy me whether that was his intention or not.  I know not what I have done.  I have always tried to support him emotionally, financially, never too demanding, never too nagging. We had fun and a laugh together, shared the same warped sense of humour, had stimulating conversations, knew how each other were feeling (or so I thought). We could communicate anything to each other with a look, we could read each other (not all the time I realise now). We grew up together.  I have only ever loved him.  I have only ever desired him in a way no other man has ever made me feel.  I have never needed to or wanted to imagine being with or desiring another man sexually.

Maybe that is where the gender traits show themselves?  Maybe all men cheat?  I know that is not true!  Well I hope that is not true! Is it only certain kinds of men with certain issues or egotistical delusions or a skewed way of processing their thoughts about life that have an affair?  Unhappy = have sex?  But is looking at porn cheating?  Is flirting cheating?  Is chat room sex-talk cheating?  Signing up for a dating site? Sexting someone who is not your current life partner?  Do cheaters lack empathy?

I would not wish this pain on anyone. I would rather give birth twenty times over than feel this pain!