What Hell is This?

He was a great dad, a wonderful lover, a kind man. Yet he was dishonest, a cheater, a manipulator, emotionally abusive on a subtle level, financially abusive, a fraudster.

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Yes, there are plenty blogs written about cheating and infidelity.  The journey that an offended party goes on is surely similar in many respects. Discovery or admission, panic or rage, shock or denial, pleading and bargaining, guilt and sadness, anger and destruction, tears or depression, pity or acceptance. The process in all its forms is horrendous.  I have been betrayed previously (by the same man) but this time I am totally bereft, we have a family, a nice house, a comfortable life, I thought we loved each other completely and whole heartedly.

I am aghast that my partner not only had sex with someone else (I could have handled that), I am rocked to my core at the level of deceit involved. The lies, the betrayal, the reassurances that everything between us was okay and that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted us to be a family, that he was working hard for us; a conscientous family guy who took on jobs and worked long hours. He was a great dad, a wonderful lover, a kind man. Yet he was dishonest, a cheater, a manipulator, emotionally abusive on a subtle level, financially abusive, a fraudster.  Hell, if he had the marriage certificates he’d be a bigamist!

The pain of our story has wrecked me yet it has allowed me to re-evaluate myself.  As is common I blamed myself for his affair – not pretty enough, not caring enough, not desirable enough, too controlling, too weak, too successful, too kind, too trusting, too lazy, too boring, too mumsy, too damaged by my own issues and concerns.  All stones that I knew I was throwing at myself in my need for an answer as to why he’d done this.  I cannot even now think of anything I have done either intentionally or accidentally that would in any way justify his behaviour towards me over the last two years.  Behaviour that has shaken me loose, that has the potential to destroy me whether that was his intention or not.  I know not what I have done.  I have always tried to support him emotionally, financially, never too demanding, never too nagging. We had fun and a laugh together, shared the same warped sense of humour, had stimulating conversations, knew how each other were feeling (or so I thought). We could communicate anything to each other with a look, we could read each other (not all the time I realise now). We grew up together.  I have only ever loved him.  I have only ever desired him in a way no other man has ever made me feel.  I have never needed to or wanted to imagine being with or desiring another man sexually.

Maybe that is where the gender traits show themselves?  Maybe all men cheat?  I know that is not true!  Well I hope that is not true! Is it only certain kinds of men with certain issues or egotistical delusions or a skewed way of processing their thoughts about life that have an affair?  Unhappy = have sex?  But is looking at porn cheating?  Is flirting cheating?  Is chat room sex-talk cheating?  Signing up for a dating site? Sexting someone who is not your current life partner?  Do cheaters lack empathy?

I would not wish this pain on anyone. I would rather give birth twenty times over than feel this pain!

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