Remembrance Sunday

If your significant other is cagey with their phone do you get suspicious?

Do they let you use their phone? Do they let the kids play games on it? Google something? Let you browse their photos?

I would have let him have my phone to look through anytime, to read texts out loud to me as they came in (if I was driving), look up a number or address in my contacts, to take a photo. I had nothing to hide.

If they always have their phone on their person, always in their hand or in their pocket yet it never rings or beeps as it is on silent or vibrate. It’s never out their hand, always texting, take it to the bathroom, never leave it on worktop to charge, sleep with it under their pillow, if you awake during the night to you see the glow from the phone & you ask what they are up to and they say, “Oh, just reading an article…” and your hackles go up because you are not convinced. Do you think they are playing never ending Pokemon Go?  Does their behaviour alert you? Red-flags? Do you find yourself saying, “Put your phone down and play with your child.”

For once he left his phone lying on the pillow charging & had gone downstairs.  He slipped up. I bet he is so annoyed at himself.  All this time and not caught out? Or maybe he wanted to be caught? And I was too slow and not investigative enough for him – he’d left some clues but not enough for me to care.  Did he think I was as thick as mince?  No, I am very astute and I had other concerns going on at that point in life – like a new baby, tiredness, parenting two kids whilst he “worked” long hours.

Every detail I hold up to the light can be unpicked – everything had an ulterior motive.  I can see it plainly now (after the event) but not at the time, I was too busy surviving and coping with various issues, and thought he was supporting me/us and not stabbing me in the back. Maybe he thought I was too busy for him. That poor diddums didn’t get enough attention, maybe he felt left out, like this wasn’t the life he wanted.  It wasn’t panning out very well.  Maybe he hated being the father of a gorgeous little baby girl? Maybe it was too much hard work? He wanted to put himself first and give the impression he was a good guy, caring about his family, he was a hard worker, yet had to get a loan off me, he was a decent boyfriend but had to get them to pay for the holidays they went on.  Where has his money went? What has he been doing with it?  I think it went up his nose and down his gullet. Vices – I think he has many that are well hidden!  Maybe he felt under pressure to earn more and couldn’t or didn’t want to? In all honesty I think he was in the wrong job. It’s as if he is forcing himself to play a role that he is not entirely comfortable with.  Who is he copying now? Bitch? Slutface? Bitch is the crossover link between me and her, then slutface is the stepping stone to the next stage of his life.

Maybe he felt his own mortality by having another kids.  He was always the one telling me to look in the bright side, see the positive.  Maybe he saw the life he had with me and the kids as negative and he wanted to balance it out with a bit of selfish positivity.

Only he can give me answers.  We’ve known each other and been a couple for nearly 21 years and I don’t deserve and answers….? Only he can give them to me or do i just walk away and give up to. I don’t want to patch our relationship up I just want a few loose ends tied up but I don’t think he knows how to do that. If he can’t pay a tax bill online, he can’t talk to me about an issues that is depriving his kids of many,time spent with family, sending them to stay at their gran’s most weekend. It’s all a mirror of his life whereas I bring to the table a new mirror, I have to look after them completely – just like my mum did to me, She had no help apart from her mum. His mum was out doing her own thing and now he is out doing his own thing.

Maybe he hates me that much that he feels I do not deserve answers (that I should know what’s up with him) We’ve known each other 21 years and I don’t deserve any answers?? How weak and self centred is that.

How’s that for a warped way of viewing your partner.  We were engaged for fuck’s sake!  If you love someone and ask them to marry you and buy them a ring, then chances are pretty good that you think they love you and want to be with you.  Unless all that was just a con to keep me sweet too.

Let’s try this feeling out or let’s try this persona out. “Does she like me more if I am good or bad?”,  “How can I keep her attention?”,  “What does this person need to have like me or respect me?”, ” How can I make them like me more even though I despise everything they value? “What are my own opinions or do I just latch on to others life stories and make them my own. Twist and adapt to suit??

I have been here before with him.  He had cheated on me before about 12 years ago.  I found out by accident that time too.  I was in utter shock just like this time.  Expect the unexpected!  He gives them what they want to hear yet stealthily takes it away with the other hand or plays them whilst they are not looking.  Manipulate them so they become more insecure, so they are a pawn in your game.

I digress… I took the opportunity to look at his phone since it was just lying there unguarded for once. I hadn’t and had never felt the need to check up on him since around 2010.  After this first affair/ case of cheating I couldn’t help but check up on him , his phone and email.  Maybe he was waiting for me to relax about that before picking up where he left off several years ago.  ‘Now she is not suspicious I can start my exploitative and sneaky behaviour again. Get my thrills again.  Why not just tell me he wasn’t happy? Why put me through this trauma?

I still had to carry it through, face up, go to work, they still need clothes, time spent with them, food etc, they need their parents to be on their side… I’m not the one abandoning them, walking out their lives. You know there is no way back from this!

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