The discovery of a partners affair is traumatic. Well, it’s traumatic and gut wrenching if you love them with all your heart. It’s traumatic when you realise there had been many red flags that were expertly explained away, glossed over or were just plain puzzling but by themselves were no clue as to what really was going on. Now I really do wish I had listened to my gut, to my instincts and intuition. I wish I had been less accepting, less trusting, more demanding, less lenient, more suspicious and followed up on what my insides were screaming at me.
It feels like the last two years of my life have been a lie, the whole time period since my daughter was born. I don’t know when exactly the deception and manipulation of reality started but I discovered my life with him was based on lies and half-truths on Remembrance Sunday 2016. The day the world exploded around me and I became shell-shocked, wounded, maimed, I became a casualty of a battle I didn’t know I was taking part in or had to fight in. It shall be ever etched as a part of me, that day started a series of discoveries that became more and more unreal until I didn’t know what was up or what was down. My life compass became skewed as much as his moral compass was obviously skewed. To write about it now, after the initial event, seems like many life times ago. I’ve been through that many stages and metamorphosis of emotions that my life since that day has been surreal.
The discovery of a partners affair is traumatic. Well, it’s traumatic and gut wrenching if you love them with all your heart. It’s traumatic when you realise there had been many red flags that were expertly explained away, glossed over or were just plain puzzling but by themselves were no clue as to what really was going on. Now I really do wish I had listened to my gut, to my instincts and intuition. I wish I had been less accepting, less trusting, more demanding, less lenient, more suspicious and followed up on what my insides were screaming at me. The nights I cried myself to sleep because he still hadn’t came home from work even though he said he was finishing at 5pm, wondering why he often came in stinking of booze – a drink after work… Me bending over backwards and arranging childcare so he could go away with work for days at a time, not asking him for money to pay the bills as I didn’t want to make him feel inferior.
The stage had been well set for many years. I work hard, pay the bills, organise all the finances, insurances, utility bills, pay the mortgage like a good girl because I supposedly earn more. I thought it was my choice to do this but I now see that if he had any respect or consideration he would have been asking to pay some of them, wanting to halve in, not just reap the benefits and use the resources without any responsibility. Pride would dictate that you would want to chip in and pay your way, not ride off the back of another, how does that prove your worth, give you a say, make you involved? A father surely wants to provide for his family? To make his unit secure? Provide warmth and shelter, food and drink. I think he thought if he bought the groceries occasionally that was him contributing. To not even ask or realise what things cost is immature and irresponsible. To leave all the burden up to me is selfish and lazy. I maybe gave the impression that I wanted to and could handle it all but that was embedded at the start of our relationship when he moved in with me. I presume we both thought it was my flat so I was responsible for the bills, I had the better paying job, I loved him so didn’t want to pressure him. I’m sure he did contribute sometimes or else that would have been a shitty way to live but all the bills were under my name as it was my property and he wasn’t registered for council tax as only I lived there (wink wink).
Nothing was formalised we just had fun together, enjoyed ourselves, went out drinking after work, had days out together, went shopping together, hung about, went dancing, had lazy days in bed, out for walks, meals out, meals in, all the very normal things that couples do together. We loved each other completely back then, or so I thought.
I would not have been with him for so long if I didn’t feel it was a good relationship. We fitted well. I know he is good at hiding things but I didn’t realise how hiding things can easily be turned into deception, lies based on half-truths are probably easier to remember. The skewed twist on reality gives it the conviction it needs, the depth of detail is there since the lie is based on a real event. I am sure it has gone from little white lies to get out a scrape or two, to full-blown I am a different person to who I say I am lies. Lies that we’re so true they could only be believable.
How did it get to this stage without me realising, why didn’t I know? The answer is he didn’t want me to know. One can only trust what your partner tells you or leads you to believe is true until the evidence contradicts otherwise or they slip up after becoming too cocky and thinking they are masters of deception who can pull this whole stunt off. What a shame I found out certain details when I did. I am sure he is cursing me for blowing his whole life sky-high. Well, my life has gone up too, our kids’ lives, our families’ lives, bitch womans life, Slutface’s life – their families will be dragged in too, our friends are affected (mostly by my upset and astonishment) and I am so glad that alongside my parents I also have my friends during this. I will be eternally glad. I thank each and every one of them, near and far, close or not that close but supportive none the less.
Thank you friends. Your words and support are getting me through. xxx