Yossarian Lives

“If one is crazy, one does not have to fly missions; and one must be crazy to fly. But one has to apply to be excused, and applying demonstrates that one is not crazy. As a result, one must continue flying, either not applying to be excused, or applying and being refused.”

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I am jumping out of the chronological order I wanted to diarise about. I need to document this before it gets hijacked and gets turned around to be my fault and I am painted as being cruel. I have a conscience, which is why I am forfeiting my account and planned narrative and jumping in with present day events…

As of 29th January I was convinced I would be able to work out this mess. To see me and the kids alright, to navigate a fairly decent path. Now I am not so sure. He has played the ‘poor me’  victim card early and may yet get his followers to paint me in a bad light. I knew I should have done this diary in real time rather than with an 8 week delay.

Now this may read as paranoia but I am suffering too please remember. I never wanted any of this. I did not cheat with two women, I did not con money from people, I did not lie to almost every person I came into contact with, I did not manipulate people for my own narcissistic ends, did not abandon my children.

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By having a ‘breakdown’ and presenting himself as suffering both mentally and now physically it should not automatically permit the use of a get out of jail free card. The actions were still taken, the plans formed and enacted, the deceit carried out, the emotional abuse heaped, the lies expertly sown, the abandonment covered up. He left me and the kids long ago. Maybe he didn’t leave us physically (unless you count his secret trips away) but he discarded us all mentally and did not care about the consequences of his actions. He acted in self interest at all time and I believe he has been doing so for years. I was just the enabler, the elastic safety net. He admitted himself that I was “collateral damage” in a battle I did not even know I should have been fighting in.

What am I trying to say? In a jumbled way I am trying to say that just because you have been taken by ambulance, panicked Slutface into calling your mother, got the doctors marvelling at what a unique case you are and bought some time so you don’t have to deal with things it does not make your treatment of me, your family, your colleagues, your two mistresses any less disgusting and appalling. It is another text book maneuver from a coward who rather than stepping up and dealing with the various issues, debtors, questions, paperwork, confrontation and awkwardness instead turns inward and makes it all about him. Gets his mother to feel sorry for him, she will end up fighting his battles, advising him, putting him first, denouncing me for being so cruel and heartless at your worst juncture in life,she will perhaps encourage you not to deal with things just yet, she will put you back in the main role when it should be your kids who’s priorities come first. She will fight your cause to make herself look good.

God knows what will happen to Slutface? You need her to take care of you as you don’t really want to be looked after by your mommy. With Slutface and your mother both fawning over you, you will feel like you are being well served and I again become the cruel bint that drove you to madness.

I pray non of this comes true. If it does in a few weeks time then I am screwed and will have such a fight to prove I am not the baddy in this situation. Time will tell. It is a catch 22 situation. Another full circle yet half truth exposed.

“If one is crazy, one does not have to fly missions; and one must be crazy to fly. But one has to apply to be excused, and applying demonstrates that one is not crazy. As a result, one must continue flying, either not applying to be excused, or applying and being refused.”

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