Power

Women have all the power!

When I consider the things about life that I “know” but have never fully processed or classified in my own brain I am astounded. This morning’s awakening was another marvel. Yesterday morning I was in tears. Today I was laughing!

The revelation that came to me this morning was: Women have all the power!  The power to make men drop, to serve, to give.  The power to allow men to fulfill their natural role – to chase and provide.  Us women can do it all ourselves if we have to, but we can take on the traditional male role, can raise kids by ourselves, earn a salary, run a home, be prime minister, carry a child, give birth; work through that pain to produce something beautiful. (So can men, I know, but let me have this power trip for now!)  It takes a man 30 seconds to inseminate but a woman has 9 months to fully prepare, to take on the role however it may evolve. We can cherish and nurture but also be tough, be sexy, be strong, proud and confident.

We like the company of men but we do not need them. (Only for procreation, she says bitterly and harshly!)  We can be feminine with pretty bows in our hair and wear high heels, or ballet pumps, or we can be a punk with attitude, spikes and doc marten’s.  We can have it all should we choose and for that we should be thankful. Not thankful to men for ‘allowing’ us but just generally thankful.

It is ‘nice’ to ‘have’ a man to assist us but most of the time we are boosting their egos and nurturing them so they stay and ‘take care’ of us. Why? Why do we need another additional child? Women keep men going in daily life. Pampering and cooing.  Yes, it’s nice to be nice and we do that for the ones we love undoubtedly but please bear in the back of your mind that it could all go tits up. Don’t rely on one person for your happiness or security. Rely on yourself. To need a man is folly! To ‘want’ a man is desirable.

Women are allowed to lust too but men can’t hand over that realm also. That would be the last straw. There are some powers they’d like to keep for themselves but deep down they know we need it too. That’s why they chase after us.  Why they crave to be inside us. Driven by the primal need to procreate. To limit themselves to one woman is probably unnatural but at least it shows commitment and depth of character and a willingness to work through life, to appreciate what one has. Women are the comfort, the product of the chase. It is a cruel evolutionary trick… One that women pay for, often with their hearts, and minds, and certainly with their bodies.

Men are used to ‘getting’, to winning.  They want to win, to be the best. Some men can’t understand or are too lazy to woo and ‘work on’ a woman. This is why I believe some cases of sexual assault happen. Men think they are entitled, that they can’t be bothered with the effort of making a woman succumb. To derive pleasure from that teased out That they don’t have to , or can’t impress or put in the effort so they have to lie or rape and for the sake of humanity should be shot!  Where’s the respect?  There is no place for entitlement. There is no entitlement in life. You work with what you have. Some folks are spiritually or financially luckier than others but there is always discovery and the harnessing of potential, learning, self-improvement. It can be done…

So that’s today’s thought for today.  I’m widening my focus. It’s now not all about him. I’m claiming it back. I’m working out what life is all about. What it means to me. What my principles and viewpoints truly are without being skewed by being reflected off his perspective all the time. A discussion is well and good but sometimes you just know what the other person is going to say. Where’s the fun in that? Comfort yes, but how does that push mental boundaries? Perhaps we had just ran our course in some respects after all. Maybe that’s why he decided to go off shagging about. Titilating conversation and theories of the universe after the deed was done!

You Are The Fulcrum

The balance always has to be tipped back. The more lies you pile up the more chance it will come a-toppling down. The odd lie here or there and you should be okay but habitually and routinely until it becomes second nature? Do you get a thrill from that?

…thought he was being clever and sly but these things find you out.

The balance always has to be tipped back.  The more lies you pile up the more chance it will come a-toppling down.  The odd lie here or there and you should be okay but habitually and routinely until it becomes second nature? Do you get a thrill from that? You are so good at it. Making people jump through hoops. Playing with their emotions to the extreme and they do not know the level of dishonesty they are dealing with. I certainly didn’t and I had 21 years intensive immersion. It will always come undone. That’s why we have the words karma and justice. Life is one big yin & yang. Getting back and returning to the sweet spot is what counts. Find your sweet spot.

If this was a ‘normal’ breakup I’d have no problem letting him see the kids.  But I honestly think he needs mental health help. Nothing is normal. No matter the action the hurt is the same. Cheat with one, two or three, the hurt still flows. Ebbs its way whilst one screams inside (and out!).

Why did I put so much faith in someone else? Why did I give my all completely. I thought love meant sacrifice. Idiot!  I have sacrificed myself and didn’t even realise. Everyone else came first. I thought that’s what love meant. It does still to me but in a differing form. I can see the paths I would not take nowadays if I were to embark on a new journey. I have the old me back but it is new and improved. The edges have been honed. It is exciting!

Do you like how I can critique and wallow on the one hand, then in one utterance rein it all back in? I am like a cork – you can push me down but I’ll find a way to bob back up again! (I’m copyrighting that line!!)

So where do I go from here? This journey feels like it is picking up pace. Like there is a timeline to it. Each day I stop at a new platform, take on board some knowledge and speed onwards.  Where is the final destination? I know not… Do I want to know? No. For know I am happy to ride it. I do not have any preconceptions. I do not want to force it and make it something it is not. I have to learn to step back. Things will click into place. There is an ultimate plan that none of us are aware of. We all fulfill our various roles even if we are not sure what they are or they are not clearly defined. Like satellites we come into one another’s orbit now and again. Sometime we crash and burn and other times we send signals so powerful you can’t help but act on them.

I am dealing with a guy who creates and jumps through hoops, leads others a dance and makes life difficult for himself and others when there is no need. Never be scared to say ‘No’, to not take it on. Do not get yourself into a pickle… Yes, try out new opportunities and give it a whirl but allow the other parties to know what you are doing, give them their own choices to make. Do not foist upon them something they are unaware of, something that is going on in the background that they have no clue about. That is unfair. Do not dupe. Clarity and openness please. It may feel like you are baring your soul if you come clean but you are not doing anything that no one else in human history has not emotionally tested or felt. If you have an issue communicate it.  If you have fallen in love – tell me. If you have fallen out of love – tell me. Do not have one, two or three  women waiting in the sidelines.  Two women that you did not leave me for as you had it too good with me… until I smelt a rat and went snooping!!

“Your mild ‘best wishes’ they make me suspicious”

I am not some crazy ex.  So do not portray me as such.  Those who really know me know I am kind, logical, rational, a bit shy and reserved in daily life but if you push the wrong buttons (or the right buttons…) then I will react and confront. I will not take it lying down. You cannot make me conform. You may have made me blind through professing ‘fake love’. I’ll never know…  I’ll never know just what you really felt about any of it as I don’t think you can explain it to me, just tell folk what it is you think they need to hear to get them off your back at a particular point in time.

Ask ‘Bitch’. Ask ‘Slutface’.  I confronted them both individually but it was not reactionary in the sense that I had lost control. I was probably too controlled which is even more sinister and scary, I hope!  You don’t know what’s going on in my head. I am a swan – beauty and grace atop but kicking like fuck underneath. If you ruffle my feathers I’ll fucking break your arm! If you approach my nest I’ll have your bollocks off! I am not like this naturally, no one hopefully is but I can’t bear to see injustice and what he has meted out is unjust. Yes, shit happens in life and you deal with it but I can see he is not dealing with it. I know I could help him but I can’t because he’s made me too angry.  Another Catch 22!

Did I ever come across as deranged lunatic? I have been more than decent.  Too decent and you traded on that.  Maybe staying calm is more dangerous and unhealthy for me but I am coping, as I have no choice but to.  I want to talk, to communicate. For someone who hates superflous chat I do like to communicate.  My line of work is communication in all its many forms. What have I got to gain by kicking up a fuss? Some token payments for his kids each month. Where is there father guidance? Where are his loving hugs, the rough and tumble? The support in all it forms. Not for me, for them.

I do not want him back but I do not want some other poor vulnerable sucker to inherit his mess. Ha! How can I be strong and portray myself as such then be vulnerable in the next paragraph? Again, yin and yang, the juxtaposition… Everything goes 360 degrees. It’s a revolution in more ways than one!

His pathological lying, narcisstic and sociopathic tendencies mean the mask is well painted but really could not be sustained.  It would have slipped at some point.  Paint the picture that “I am too stressed to deal with it”,  that he has to escape…  Yes, indeed, escape, go find yourself but do not take a crutch with you.  You will only do the same to ‘Slutface’. Unless you can stand on your own two feet there is no hope for you.  You are using her as much as she is using you. History is repeating in many ways.

I hate to think that I was led on for so long.  What happened to the boy I loved? He stayed a boy.  I feel slightly cruel writing this but what he has done is far more heinous. These are just words, (they may hurt him but they are healing me).  He performed actions, many actions of deceit and subterfuge.  How fucking dare he go abroad and out the country whilst he has two kids!  What if something had happened to him when he was away with one of his whores? What a despicable, selfish, arrogant piece of shitty low-life!! That is not how you treat those you love, but then you didn’t love us else you wouldn’t have treated us all like that.

I can see it for what is was.  I loved him and still like a mug I paid the price and so now do my children.

He paints the picture that him absconding is only a temporary measure.  There is no way in hell that the picture he has painted to his social circle is true.  There is no way in hell he’ll be able to come back, to face everyone.  Not without a lot of work.  Does a small Scottish village have that kind of network?  Or was it all lies and more misdirection to get me off his back.  There is some sanity in that head of his he just uses it in the wrong way.  Has never applied himself. Gives up too soon. Where’s his determination?

I thought we’d be together until we were old. I never saw any of this coming, I could not have predicted this.  What kind of character judge am I? I feel so used and manipulated but least I got some fun out of it most of the time.  We did have a good relationship for all its practical and financial flaws.  We got on well. Had a good bond, same sense of humour, same interests.  Or did we? I hear he likes karaoke now!! He hated it with me. Not something he would ever have done.  Maybe we didn’t have the same interests at all he just ‘chameleoned’ himself to suit.

There is definitely something to do with rats in all of this.  He used to talk about them all the time like it was a clue for me.  I now don’t even believe that we did have a rat in our house. What if he brought the rat droppings home from work and planted them?  He had rats in his house and rats in his work.  I think he latched on to this as he once went on about a ‘king rat’ – a group of many rats intertwined by their tails to form one huge marauding mass… A sign of mental health issues? He is the rat!

Is this a clue he was leaving for me?  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Rat_(film)

Corporal King (George Segal) is an anomaly in the Japanese prison camp. One of only a handful of Americans amongst the British and Australian inmates, he thrives through his conniving and black market enterprises; whereas others, nearly all of higher rank, struggle to survive sickness and starvation while trying to keep their civilised nature. King recruits upper class British RAF officer Flight Lieutenant Peter Marlowe (James Fox) to act as a translator. As they become acquainted, Marlowe comes to like the man and appreciate his cunning. King respects Marlowe, but his attitude is otherwise ambiguous; when Marlowe is injured, King obtains expensive medicines to save Marlowe’s gangrenous arm from amputation, but, despite the fact he stays by the sick man’s bedside, it is unclear whether he does so out of friendship or because Marlowe is the only one who knows where the proceeds from King’s latest and most profitable venture are hidden.

King has a different relationship with the lower class, seemingly-incorruptible British ProvostLieutenant Grey (Tom Courtenay). Grey has only contempt for the American and does his best to bring him down. Then Grey has to deal with an unrelated dilemma when he accidentally discovers that the high-ranking officer in charge of the meager food rations has been stealing. Grey rejects a bribe and zealously takes the matter to Colonel George Smedley-Taylor (John Mills). To his dismay, Smedley-Taylor tells him the corrupt officer and his assistant have been relieved of their duties, and orders him to forget all about it. Grey accuses Smedley-Taylor of being in on the scheme, but the tampered weight he presented to the colonel as evidence has been replaced, so he no longer has proof of the crime. Smedley-Taylor offers to promote him to captain; when a troubled Grey does not respond, Smedley-Taylor takes his silence as consent.

The camp commandant summons the senior British officers, and notifies them that the Japanese have surrendered and that the war is over. After overcoming their shock and disbelief, the prisoners celebrate – all except King. He realises he is no longer the unquestioned (if unofficial) ruler of the camp. A British paratrooper (Richard Dawson) walks up to the prison gates and disarms the guards. The prisoners are stunned and refuse to speak to the paratrooper, except King, which makes the paratrooper suspicious. King manages to squelch a premature attempt by resentful underling Sergeant Max (Patrick O’Neal) to reassert his rank and authority, but that only delays the inevitable. When Marlowe speaks to him before King’s departure from the camp, King ignores his overture of renewed friendship.

He also used regularly mention about getting ID’d in when he was buying beer or wine in the supermarket, pubs etc.  Like he was such a boy.  His subconscious telling me, dropping clues?

During this whole unravelling of both him and me I could feel something building each day as discovery after discovery unfolded before my eyes. Some days have been horrific, others have been a delight. I’ve enjoyed finding out about myslef, reading other people, how they tick. It’s like a dance or a game of chess. We try to predict the moves.  What’s his strategy? Random or claclating? I cannot tell. It proves that true character emerges when the shit hits the fan. Do you role your sleeves up or do you bail when the going gets tough.  If you cannot stand the stress or pressure and have to escape via sex or drink or drugs then ok ,that is a temporary blip. Yourlife cannot go on like that indefinitely.  Wake up and grow up.  I have everything on my plate. Do I crumble? Yes, often but I somehow manage to get back up again.

“Rejection is one thing but rejection from a fool is cruel”

Awareness

Read and read more. Educate yourself about your emotions and psychology. Unlock and open the door to self value. Fly. Be good to yourself – it’s called being selfish. Tune into the inner feelings. Listen to them. Take back control of your own thoughts and destiny.

I get their story.  I understand it complicity.  It just clicks.  Is this a rare quality or very unusual?  They don’t even have to vocalise it, I can sense it.  I can ‘see’ it.  Even if the details aren’t right I get the main components and how it filters down, how a past event makes people behave and think, why certain decisions or actions were taken and what that in turn led to.  It’s like a roadway but in snapshot form.  You tell me your issue, a bit of back story and BAM! I’ve got it, I understand why.  It’s too obvious.

I thought everyone could ‘see’ like this? Maybe they can. Some people take years to come to conclusions and have a recognition of their traits. It’s only taken me the best part of 40 years, off and on, to truly get to grips with who I am and how I see the world, why I see the world that way and to work out what parts of myself I should change, not just for my own benefit but for others too.  I know my failings and I know my strengths. I hope my strengths outweigh my failings in other people’s eyes but then they do not matter. I am now all about the self (but in a non-selfish way).  I can begin to be at peace with who I am.

I have never had anything physically traumatic happen to me apart from child-birth so maybe that is different; the loss of control, the taking over by an external force… Purely emotional traumas can be resolved, I believe.  If there is a background understanding about why you were called a bullied or treated a certain way, why expectations were put on you, or decision-making taken away from you.  I can see why certain emotions can be stunted due to someone else’s behaviour.  Hopefully once this realisation kicks in and one learns how to claim back ownership of their self and self-worth then one can move on.  Not easy but add it to your arsenal and proceed. Take it, knit with it and make your own self whole, add a new component, reinforce what you already have, build resilience.  You can do it!  Make your emotions and desires work for you.  Build yourself, no matter how long it takes.

I am not a counsellor so I cannot comment on how to best do this but please find your key.  Read and read more. Educate yourself about your emotions and psychology. Unlock and open the door to self value. Fly. Be good to yourself – it’s called being selfish. Tune into the inner feelings. Listen to them. Take back control of your own thoughts and destiny. Other people and their actions can shape us but they do not define us.

I didn’t know I was beautiful until I had it told to my face outright. He never told me. So thank you Mr S. for telling me so clearly.  It’s what I needed to hear and at completely the right time!  I’d always had to guess that I was and was always quite unsure. It wasn’t until I looked at pictures of my mother when she was younger and just married at 21  that I realised that she was a stunner in her day, so I must be a stunner too…  I never knew that.  I’d never felt that about myself before.  Why not?  I’d like certain parts of me but I’d never seen myself as a whole. I don’t look at other people and just focus on one part of their body at first meeting. I like the whole look. They are more than just crooked teeth or a piggy nose.  Why was I so critical of myself when no one else was? Where did the fear of myself come from? That I was not good enough? That no one but he would ever want me? I never used to think that but I put that down to youthful optimism. But when I look back at my teenage years, I had guys falling over themselves for me. I just thought that was because I was young and niave and they were taking advantage with my willing consent…  As soon as I met him I was devoted. I did not properly look at another man that way unless they were extraordinary.  I knew that for certain people I felt a glimmer of attraction to but I didn’t give it the recognition, ever, or allow it to take hold. I dampened it down. I didn’t know how to read my instincts.  I thought I was made, that he was devoted to me like I was to him. That I was enough for him, I didn’t need to look elsewhere, I had it right at home. Alas, he’s the one that looked elsewhere…

Why are all these men giving me the eye now?  Ah, it’s cause I am attractive. Wow! The power! Did I just not notice it previously? Was I closed off to it? Why are they messaging me? Why are they sending me dirty texts? Thanks also to Mr C. who awakened that part of me. The living, desiring, “Jesus, God, I fancy him” part of me… I could have him… Loving it! Thank you! I feel alive again! Lay it on a plate for me and awaken me. I realised the burning lust I could allow myself to feel for him. Not coz he was the first guy to show an interest or make a move but I since realised that for years there was something there (for me anyway) but I didn’t hear it.  I felt something inside but I had no reason to act on it. It wasn’t allowed, well it wasn’t – I was engaged to another.  I was in a committed relationship, why should I need to look elsewhere?  The fact he was so close to me, living his life, getting married. It never even fully occurred to me. We were in different orbits. But I felt something. And I didn’t even speak to him that often…It just popped into my head now and again.  I was in no position to allow myself to hear it. I didn’t tune my radio in. Now it’s tuned in and I have many stations playing!  I can now see who and why I feel a connection with. A zap! Who I fancy!

I feel so naive but I’m also proud that I have felt such deep love, that it lasted so long.  I can’t deny the unfolding of events. There is no going back on them. What I do next does not have to be rushed, but savoured, enjoyed, toyed with.  I mean no harm to anyone on my journey but if Mr C. wants to accompany me then I could be available!

I am slightly nervous of the reciprocation, especially after what I’ve been through.  How do I trust?  How do I give myself?  The answer is: I don’t.  I don’t need to do any of that. That’s what got me in trouble. I lost myself and who I was.  This is the secret…!  It sounds harsh but true. I now choose to do it for me.  Not in a selfish way.  I am still the kind and loving person that I was but I have needs which I am hopeful he could fulfill! It’s just there, it’s a bright, an illuminated spark. He was brave enough to ignite it. I hope he doesn’t step back as I know it could be so good.

Maybe that is all it is – an ignition point to set me off and get me going with life again.  To kick me up the arse and tell me to live again, and feel again, and put the past behind me. “Boot the grim of this world in the crotch dear…”  As long as the other party is willing to share in the experience with no expectations, completely and honestly and we know where it stands, then great. Bring it on! I am ready to reignite, to live, to enjoy, to soak it up! Fuck fear!

History Repeating

A few good fucks and they think they are living?!

Have I been blind all these years? No one could just turn into this…

There must have been years of practised deception. What an idiot I feel.  One gives ones heart to a man completely and bang!  Every last ounce of love is thrown back and discarded.  Nothing was enough.  He needed me as much as I wanted him.  I did not need him. Never have. That should have made him proud of me. I am self-sufficient, semi-confident, good-looking, witty, gracious and kind. I have a lot to offer.  He knew this.  He soaked it in.  He rinsed me out.  Spat me out.  Spat his own kids out!

Thirteen years ago I was distraught.  My long-term boyfriend of 9 years had been cheating on me with a girl from his work. (A sandwich shop that they both worked in.) I never seen that happening either. But there it was, right under my nose.  I’m still not clear whether that was a one night stand, a few months or complete love???  I never fully got it explained to me, just tried to gloss over it the best I could whilst working on my own trust issues. I now realise it should have been him working to prove himself but time after time he got caught out.

Back then we both led our own lives. Had different sets of friends with some crossovers of social meetings.  We socialised separately but also jointly on occasion but I always felt he was stilted and didn’t like my friends. He would scoff about them or think he was better than them… I didn’t take his derision seriously just though he was being a moany cunt and a bit tongue in cheek. He never said it maliciously but now if I listened to his words and not the tone it’s all a bit clearer as to his meanings.

We both worked hard and long hours and enjoyed each others company. He had also been enjoying her company too. When and how I don’t know but he declared love for her. I read the emails to her. I sickened myself. He sickened me. I thought we were committed and exclusive…

Oh, the agony of one’s first break up.  I’d split up with people before or drifted apart from dead-end relationships but to be cheated on? Well, fuck me! How dare he have the brass to do that. To not be honest. To be cowardly custard. Cake and eat it as I’m commonly told.

I’d like to show the true extracts from my journal of that time. All that I wrote could apply now. There is one caveat though: this time he has ruined me. Not only me but he has ruined the security of himself and taken away a two parent family from his kids. He has taken my dream and shattered it. He has selfishly recreated his own past and life story and not tried to meet me halfway or even try to replicate mine.  Maybe he was trying to replicate the things he seen around him – trying to replicate my family’s dynamic so would string me along by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Which probably worked for the most part, but would one not start to feel resentment and frustrations, that one was just tagging along and not making any true decisions for themselves. Is that why he went out and cheated? To gain some control? Too much of  a strain on him so he had to shag some other women! Yeah, that must be it. Coz a good shag is a solution to it all! (Don’t get me wrong, there can be nothing better but it doesn’t last, it is only of the moment, an escapist pleasure). The rest is real life. The solid grounding, the comfort of having a real devoted partner, the easiness, the security, the pure love you feel for your kids and how you would do anything for them. That is truly selfless.  Does the sexual act then need repeating and repeating to numb the pain? Am I understanding it now?  Is that why?  Is that how men operate?  A few good fucks and they think they are living?!

And so it becomes clear! Dump seed. Leave woman with every responsibility. Job done.  What about the hunter/gatherer aspect? Where’s the provision, the building shelters, the lighting a fire? Apologies, have I gone off at a tangent?  I was so excited by my own revelation to myself!  Is this what makes men tick?  Opportune instincts and the need to win?

I’ll now continue the story from 2004 another time….

Until the next blog entry… Bonsoir.

Love Rules

Love is uplifting.
Love does not control.
Love nourishes.

Love does not pontificate.
Love listens.
Love is not authority.
Love is acceptance.
Love does not justify cowardice.
Love is aware.
Love never creates fear.
Love opens unknown doors.
Love makes no assumptions.
Love keeps faith.
Love is not the touch that haunts.
Love is what feels like home.
Love doesn’t change goalposts.
Love is humane.
Love draws no comparison.
Love sees beauty.
Love is not the heart in a pit.
Love is uplifting.
Love does not control.
Love nourishes.
Love is not always sacrificing and patient.
Love is courage.
Love does not gaslight.
Love seeks forgiveness.
Love never plays victim.
Love is self preserving.
Love is not an occasion.
Love is a way of life.
Love is not myopic.
Love is free flowing.
Love does not consume.
Love is the afterglow.
Love is not the heartbeat skipped.
Love is self assurance.
Love is never vindictive
Love embraces change.
Love does not seek approval.
Love always finds a way.
Love knows nothing absolute.
Love perceives grey.
Love is not a cage.
Love is a forest.
Perfectionism does not exist.
Love does.

Courtesy of: Thought Catalog http://tcat.tc/2mDUgQI

Metamorphosis

I have a renewed zest for life. I can see the potential and how everyone is trying. I am on a journey of self discovery and reclaiming myself. I never thought something so horrendous could actually turn out positive.

Things change. Life develops, unravels and then hopefully knits itself anew.

I have not written in a while. I could not write. I was too busy doing. Living. Picking up his slack. Juggling life. Managing work. Coping. Trying to be me again but with the luggage of children.

I have a renewed zest for life. I can see the potential and how everyone is trying. I am on a journey of self discovery and reclaiming myself. I never thought something so horrendous could actually turn out positive. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days, my hours, where all I can do is sob uncontrollably. I’d drown in the amount of tears I’ve produced over this.  But now, I do not feel dejected – I feel emboldened!

It helps that I’ve had messages of support from friends and family along with the real life support. Surprising too that out the woodwork comes ex-boyfriends, neighbours, acquaintences, work colleagues – all male so far!  Am I attractive? Were they waiting to pounce? Thanks for the ego boost lads! I’m enjoying it. Playing with it, Flirting with it. Makes me feel like a desired woman again. Not a rejected, milk covered, unkempt mother who tries to hold it all together. I do not have cards on myself. I know I’m attractive but I’d never use that to gain anything. Perhaps it’s time I started?