Have I been blind all these years? No one could just turn into this…
There must have been years of practised deception. What an idiot I feel. One gives ones heart to a man completely and bang! Every last ounce of love is thrown back and discarded. Nothing was enough. He needed me as much as I wanted him. I did not need him. Never have. That should have made him proud of me. I am self-sufficient, semi-confident, good-looking, witty, gracious and kind. I have a lot to offer. He knew this. He soaked it in. He rinsed me out. Spat me out. Spat his own kids out!
Thirteen years ago I was distraught. My long-term boyfriend of 9 years had been cheating on me with a girl from his work. (A sandwich shop that they both worked in.) I never seen that happening either. But there it was, right under my nose. I’m still not clear whether that was a one night stand, a few months or complete love??? I never fully got it explained to me, just tried to gloss over it the best I could whilst working on my own trust issues. I now realise it should have been him working to prove himself but time after time he got caught out.
Back then we both led our own lives. Had different sets of friends with some crossovers of social meetings. We socialised separately but also jointly on occasion but I always felt he was stilted and didn’t like my friends. He would scoff about them or think he was better than them… I didn’t take his derision seriously just though he was being a moany cunt and a bit tongue in cheek. He never said it maliciously but now if I listened to his words and not the tone it’s all a bit clearer as to his meanings.
We both worked hard and long hours and enjoyed each others company. He had also been enjoying her company too. When and how I don’t know but he declared love for her. I read the emails to her. I sickened myself. He sickened me. I thought we were committed and exclusive…
Oh, the agony of one’s first break up. I’d split up with people before or drifted apart from dead-end relationships but to be cheated on? Well, fuck me! How dare he have the brass to do that. To not be honest. To be cowardly custard. Cake and eat it as I’m commonly told.
I’d like to show the true extracts from my journal of that time. All that I wrote could apply now. There is one caveat though: this time he has ruined me. Not only me but he has ruined the security of himself and taken away a two parent family from his kids. He has taken my dream and shattered it. He has selfishly recreated his own past and life story and not tried to meet me halfway or even try to replicate mine. Maybe he was trying to replicate the things he seen around him – trying to replicate my family’s dynamic so would string me along by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Which probably worked for the most part, but would one not start to feel resentment and frustrations, that one was just tagging along and not making any true decisions for themselves. Is that why he went out and cheated? To gain some control? Too much of a strain on him so he had to shag some other women! Yeah, that must be it. Coz a good shag is a solution to it all! (Don’t get me wrong, there can be nothing better but it doesn’t last, it is only of the moment, an escapist pleasure). The rest is real life. The solid grounding, the comfort of having a real devoted partner, the easiness, the security, the pure love you feel for your kids and how you would do anything for them. That is truly selfless. Does the sexual act then need repeating and repeating to numb the pain? Am I understanding it now? Is that why? Is that how men operate? A few good fucks and they think they are living?!
And so it becomes clear! Dump seed. Leave woman with every responsibility. Job done. What about the hunter/gatherer aspect? Where’s the provision, the building shelters, the lighting a fire? Apologies, have I gone off at a tangent? I was so excited by my own revelation to myself! Is this what makes men tick? Opportune instincts and the need to win?
I’ll now continue the story from 2004 another time….
Until the next blog entry… Bonsoir.