I get their story. I understand it complicity. It just clicks. Is this a rare quality or very unusual? They don’t even have to vocalise it, I can sense it. I can ‘see’ it. Even if the details aren’t right I get the main components and how it filters down, how a past event makes people behave and think, why certain decisions or actions were taken and what that in turn led to. It’s like a roadway but in snapshot form. You tell me your issue, a bit of back story and BAM! I’ve got it, I understand why. It’s too obvious.
I thought everyone could ‘see’ like this? Maybe they can. Some people take years to come to conclusions and have a recognition of their traits. It’s only taken me the best part of 40 years, off and on, to truly get to grips with who I am and how I see the world, why I see the world that way and to work out what parts of myself I should change, not just for my own benefit but for others too. I know my failings and I know my strengths. I hope my strengths outweigh my failings in other people’s eyes but then they do not matter. I am now all about the self (but in a non-selfish way). I can begin to be at peace with who I am.
I have never had anything physically traumatic happen to me apart from child-birth so maybe that is different; the loss of control, the taking over by an external force… Purely emotional traumas can be resolved, I believe. If there is a background understanding about why you were called a bullied or treated a certain way, why expectations were put on you, or decision-making taken away from you. I can see why certain emotions can be stunted due to someone else’s behaviour. Hopefully once this realisation kicks in and one learns how to claim back ownership of their self and self-worth then one can move on. Not easy but add it to your arsenal and proceed. Take it, knit with it and make your own self whole, add a new component, reinforce what you already have, build resilience. You can do it! Make your emotions and desires work for you. Build yourself, no matter how long it takes.
I am not a counsellor so I cannot comment on how to best do this but please find your key. Read and read more. Educate yourself about your emotions and psychology. Unlock and open the door to self value. Fly. Be good to yourself – it’s called being selfish. Tune into the inner feelings. Listen to them. Take back control of your own thoughts and destiny. Other people and their actions can shape us but they do not define us.
I didn’t know I was beautiful until I had it told to my face outright. He never told me. So thank you Mr S. for telling me so clearly. It’s what I needed to hear and at completely the right time! I’d always had to guess that I was and was always quite unsure. It wasn’t until I looked at pictures of my mother when she was younger and just married at 21 that I realised that she was a stunner in her day, so I must be a stunner too… I never knew that. I’d never felt that about myself before. Why not? I’d like certain parts of me but I’d never seen myself as a whole. I don’t look at other people and just focus on one part of their body at first meeting. I like the whole look. They are more than just crooked teeth or a piggy nose. Why was I so critical of myself when no one else was? Where did the fear of myself come from? That I was not good enough? That no one but he would ever want me? I never used to think that but I put that down to youthful optimism. But when I look back at my teenage years, I had guys falling over themselves for me. I just thought that was because I was young and niave and they were taking advantage with my willing consent… As soon as I met him I was devoted. I did not properly look at another man that way unless they were extraordinary. I knew that for certain people I felt a glimmer of attraction to but I didn’t give it the recognition, ever, or allow it to take hold. I dampened it down. I didn’t know how to read my instincts. I thought I was made, that he was devoted to me like I was to him. That I was enough for him, I didn’t need to look elsewhere, I had it right at home. Alas, he’s the one that looked elsewhere…
Why are all these men giving me the eye now? Ah, it’s cause I am attractive. Wow! The power! Did I just not notice it previously? Was I closed off to it? Why are they messaging me? Why are they sending me dirty texts? Thanks also to Mr C. who awakened that part of me. The living, desiring, “Jesus, God, I fancy him” part of me… I could have him… Loving it! Thank you! I feel alive again! Lay it on a plate for me and awaken me. I realised the burning lust I could allow myself to feel for him. Not coz he was the first guy to show an interest or make a move but I since realised that for years there was something there (for me anyway) but I didn’t hear it. I felt something inside but I had no reason to act on it. It wasn’t allowed, well it wasn’t – I was engaged to another. I was in a committed relationship, why should I need to look elsewhere? The fact he was so close to me, living his life, getting married. It never even fully occurred to me. We were in different orbits. But I felt something. And I didn’t even speak to him that often…It just popped into my head now and again. I was in no position to allow myself to hear it. I didn’t tune my radio in. Now it’s tuned in and I have many stations playing! I can now see who and why I feel a connection with. A zap! Who I fancy!
I feel so naive but I’m also proud that I have felt such deep love, that it lasted so long. I can’t deny the unfolding of events. There is no going back on them. What I do next does not have to be rushed, but savoured, enjoyed, toyed with. I mean no harm to anyone on my journey but if Mr C. wants to accompany me then I could be available!
I am slightly nervous of the reciprocation, especially after what I’ve been through. How do I trust? How do I give myself? The answer is: I don’t. I don’t need to do any of that. That’s what got me in trouble. I lost myself and who I was. This is the secret…! It sounds harsh but true. I now choose to do it for me. Not in a selfish way. I am still the kind and loving person that I was but I have needs which I am hopeful he could fulfill! It’s just there, it’s a bright, an illuminated spark. He was brave enough to ignite it. I hope he doesn’t step back as I know it could be so good.
Maybe that is all it is – an ignition point to set me off and get me going with life again. To kick me up the arse and tell me to live again, and feel again, and put the past behind me. “Boot the grim of this world in the crotch dear…” As long as the other party is willing to share in the experience with no expectations, completely and honestly and we know where it stands, then great. Bring it on! I am ready to reignite, to live, to enjoy, to soak it up! Fuck fear!