“Your mild ‘best wishes’ they make me suspicious”

I am not some crazy ex.  So do not portray me as such.  Those who really know me know I am kind, logical, rational, a bit shy and reserved in daily life but if you push the wrong buttons (or the right buttons…) then I will react and confront. I will not take it lying down. You cannot make me conform. You may have made me blind through professing ‘fake love’. I’ll never know…  I’ll never know just what you really felt about any of it as I don’t think you can explain it to me, just tell folk what it is you think they need to hear to get them off your back at a particular point in time.

Ask ‘Bitch’. Ask ‘Slutface’.  I confronted them both individually but it was not reactionary in the sense that I had lost control. I was probably too controlled which is even more sinister and scary, I hope!  You don’t know what’s going on in my head. I am a swan – beauty and grace atop but kicking like fuck underneath. If you ruffle my feathers I’ll fucking break your arm! If you approach my nest I’ll have your bollocks off! I am not like this naturally, no one hopefully is but I can’t bear to see injustice and what he has meted out is unjust. Yes, shit happens in life and you deal with it but I can see he is not dealing with it. I know I could help him but I can’t because he’s made me too angry.  Another Catch 22!

Did I ever come across as deranged lunatic? I have been more than decent.  Too decent and you traded on that.  Maybe staying calm is more dangerous and unhealthy for me but I am coping, as I have no choice but to.  I want to talk, to communicate. For someone who hates superflous chat I do like to communicate.  My line of work is communication in all its many forms. What have I got to gain by kicking up a fuss? Some token payments for his kids each month. Where is there father guidance? Where are his loving hugs, the rough and tumble? The support in all it forms. Not for me, for them.

I do not want him back but I do not want some other poor vulnerable sucker to inherit his mess. Ha! How can I be strong and portray myself as such then be vulnerable in the next paragraph? Again, yin and yang, the juxtaposition… Everything goes 360 degrees. It’s a revolution in more ways than one!

His pathological lying, narcisstic and sociopathic tendencies mean the mask is well painted but really could not be sustained.  It would have slipped at some point.  Paint the picture that “I am too stressed to deal with it”,  that he has to escape…  Yes, indeed, escape, go find yourself but do not take a crutch with you.  You will only do the same to ‘Slutface’. Unless you can stand on your own two feet there is no hope for you.  You are using her as much as she is using you. History is repeating in many ways.

I hate to think that I was led on for so long.  What happened to the boy I loved? He stayed a boy.  I feel slightly cruel writing this but what he has done is far more heinous. These are just words, (they may hurt him but they are healing me).  He performed actions, many actions of deceit and subterfuge.  How fucking dare he go abroad and out the country whilst he has two kids!  What if something had happened to him when he was away with one of his whores? What a despicable, selfish, arrogant piece of shitty low-life!! That is not how you treat those you love, but then you didn’t love us else you wouldn’t have treated us all like that.

I can see it for what is was.  I loved him and still like a mug I paid the price and so now do my children.

He paints the picture that him absconding is only a temporary measure.  There is no way in hell that the picture he has painted to his social circle is true.  There is no way in hell he’ll be able to come back, to face everyone.  Not without a lot of work.  Does a small Scottish village have that kind of network?  Or was it all lies and more misdirection to get me off his back.  There is some sanity in that head of his he just uses it in the wrong way.  Has never applied himself. Gives up too soon. Where’s his determination?

I thought we’d be together until we were old. I never saw any of this coming, I could not have predicted this.  What kind of character judge am I? I feel so used and manipulated but least I got some fun out of it most of the time.  We did have a good relationship for all its practical and financial flaws.  We got on well. Had a good bond, same sense of humour, same interests.  Or did we? I hear he likes karaoke now!! He hated it with me. Not something he would ever have done.  Maybe we didn’t have the same interests at all he just ‘chameleoned’ himself to suit.

There is definitely something to do with rats in all of this.  He used to talk about them all the time like it was a clue for me.  I now don’t even believe that we did have a rat in our house. What if he brought the rat droppings home from work and planted them?  He had rats in his house and rats in his work.  I think he latched on to this as he once went on about a ‘king rat’ – a group of many rats intertwined by their tails to form one huge marauding mass… A sign of mental health issues? He is the rat!

Is this a clue he was leaving for me?  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Rat_(film)

Corporal King (George Segal) is an anomaly in the Japanese prison camp. One of only a handful of Americans amongst the British and Australian inmates, he thrives through his conniving and black market enterprises; whereas others, nearly all of higher rank, struggle to survive sickness and starvation while trying to keep their civilised nature. King recruits upper class British RAF officer Flight Lieutenant Peter Marlowe (James Fox) to act as a translator. As they become acquainted, Marlowe comes to like the man and appreciate his cunning. King respects Marlowe, but his attitude is otherwise ambiguous; when Marlowe is injured, King obtains expensive medicines to save Marlowe’s gangrenous arm from amputation, but, despite the fact he stays by the sick man’s bedside, it is unclear whether he does so out of friendship or because Marlowe is the only one who knows where the proceeds from King’s latest and most profitable venture are hidden.

King has a different relationship with the lower class, seemingly-incorruptible British ProvostLieutenant Grey (Tom Courtenay). Grey has only contempt for the American and does his best to bring him down. Then Grey has to deal with an unrelated dilemma when he accidentally discovers that the high-ranking officer in charge of the meager food rations has been stealing. Grey rejects a bribe and zealously takes the matter to Colonel George Smedley-Taylor (John Mills). To his dismay, Smedley-Taylor tells him the corrupt officer and his assistant have been relieved of their duties, and orders him to forget all about it. Grey accuses Smedley-Taylor of being in on the scheme, but the tampered weight he presented to the colonel as evidence has been replaced, so he no longer has proof of the crime. Smedley-Taylor offers to promote him to captain; when a troubled Grey does not respond, Smedley-Taylor takes his silence as consent.

The camp commandant summons the senior British officers, and notifies them that the Japanese have surrendered and that the war is over. After overcoming their shock and disbelief, the prisoners celebrate – all except King. He realises he is no longer the unquestioned (if unofficial) ruler of the camp. A British paratrooper (Richard Dawson) walks up to the prison gates and disarms the guards. The prisoners are stunned and refuse to speak to the paratrooper, except King, which makes the paratrooper suspicious. King manages to squelch a premature attempt by resentful underling Sergeant Max (Patrick O’Neal) to reassert his rank and authority, but that only delays the inevitable. When Marlowe speaks to him before King’s departure from the camp, King ignores his overture of renewed friendship.

He also used regularly mention about getting ID’d in when he was buying beer or wine in the supermarket, pubs etc.  Like he was such a boy.  His subconscious telling me, dropping clues?

During this whole unravelling of both him and me I could feel something building each day as discovery after discovery unfolded before my eyes. Some days have been horrific, others have been a delight. I’ve enjoyed finding out about myslef, reading other people, how they tick. It’s like a dance or a game of chess. We try to predict the moves.  What’s his strategy? Random or claclating? I cannot tell. It proves that true character emerges when the shit hits the fan. Do you role your sleeves up or do you bail when the going gets tough.  If you cannot stand the stress or pressure and have to escape via sex or drink or drugs then ok ,that is a temporary blip. Yourlife cannot go on like that indefinitely.  Wake up and grow up.  I have everything on my plate. Do I crumble? Yes, often but I somehow manage to get back up again.

“Rejection is one thing but rejection from a fool is cruel”


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