…thought he was being clever and sly but these things find you out.
The balance always has to be tipped back. The more lies you pile up the more chance it will come a-toppling down. The odd lie here or there and you should be okay but habitually and routinely until it becomes second nature? Do you get a thrill from that? You are so good at it. Making people jump through hoops. Playing with their emotions to the extreme and they do not know the level of dishonesty they are dealing with. I certainly didn’t and I had 21 years intensive immersion. It will always come undone. That’s why we have the words karma and justice. Life is one big yin & yang. Getting back and returning to the sweet spot is what counts. Find your sweet spot.
If this was a ‘normal’ breakup I’d have no problem letting him see the kids. But I honestly think he needs mental health help. Nothing is normal. No matter the action the hurt is the same. Cheat with one, two or three, the hurt still flows. Ebbs its way whilst one screams inside (and out!).
Why did I put so much faith in someone else? Why did I give my all completely. I thought love meant sacrifice. Idiot! I have sacrificed myself and didn’t even realise. Everyone else came first. I thought that’s what love meant. It does still to me but in a differing form. I can see the paths I would not take nowadays if I were to embark on a new journey. I have the old me back but it is new and improved. The edges have been honed. It is exciting!
Do you like how I can critique and wallow on the one hand, then in one utterance rein it all back in? I am like a cork – you can push me down but I’ll find a way to bob back up again! (I’m copyrighting that line!!)
So where do I go from here? This journey feels like it is picking up pace. Like there is a timeline to it. Each day I stop at a new platform, take on board some knowledge and speed onwards. Where is the final destination? I know not… Do I want to know? No. For know I am happy to ride it. I do not have any preconceptions. I do not want to force it and make it something it is not. I have to learn to step back. Things will click into place. There is an ultimate plan that none of us are aware of. We all fulfill our various roles even if we are not sure what they are or they are not clearly defined. Like satellites we come into one another’s orbit now and again. Sometime we crash and burn and other times we send signals so powerful you can’t help but act on them.
I am dealing with a guy who creates and jumps through hoops, leads others a dance and makes life difficult for himself and others when there is no need. Never be scared to say ‘No’, to not take it on. Do not get yourself into a pickle… Yes, try out new opportunities and give it a whirl but allow the other parties to know what you are doing, give them their own choices to make. Do not foist upon them something they are unaware of, something that is going on in the background that they have no clue about. That is unfair. Do not dupe. Clarity and openness please. It may feel like you are baring your soul if you come clean but you are not doing anything that no one else in human history has not emotionally tested or felt. If you have an issue communicate it. If you have fallen in love – tell me. If you have fallen out of love – tell me. Do not have one, two or three women waiting in the sidelines. Two women that you did not leave me for as you had it too good with me… until I smelt a rat and went snooping!!