Going Back in Time

He’s making me start again without the necessary tools, he has injured me and wounded me so my flight to freedom is more treacherous. Like he wanted to poison me so no one else would have me.

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So, yes, I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this pain before or something similar… and he caused it too.  Least I did not have two kids to worry about then. Least it was just me and I could deal with it how and when I liked.  Now I am tied, I feel shackled. I cannot go out drinking or dancing, most of my friends are married with kids so no easy going out, everything has to be planned.  He’s making me start again without the necessary tools, he has injured me and wounded me so my flight to freedom is more treacherous. Like he wanted to poison me so no one else would have me.

Of course that is all about the self.  He was all about him. He probably was not even thinking about me or tried not to.  He definitely wasn’t thinking about his children. He was thinking with his dick and his self entitlement. Thinking he was gods gift. That women were dropping at his feet. Arsehole! How can one push a whole life to the side? What type of brain is able to do that but not only that, give the semblance of order, that everything was ok, whilst simultaneously shagging and building a life with Bitch, and working, and shagging Slutface whenever the opportunity arose – mostly in their workplace I’d imagine. I wonder if environmental health know? Eugh!

He has plenty time to do what he likes. To disappear to absolve himself of responsibility. Does he think I will take him back? That I’ll come round?  Is he repeating the pattern of what he seen in his childhood – that it’s okay to disappear for 6 months and shack up with someone else.  That’s what men do don’t they? Jees-oh!

Yet I knew, I knew something was wrong. After the birth of our daughter I struggled. I was not enjoying it at all. It was tough. Here was me begging to have another baby and now I had what I wanted I hated it. I was going under by 3 or 4 months I had to admit to the health visitor all was not well. I had visions of driving under trucks, swerving off the road, throwing myself and my daughter down the stairs, being so very aware of where the knives were, that I could use them. I knew this wasn’t my head. I knew this wasn’t me. Was he going through the same? Had he always had these kind of thoughts or similar?

As part of my anxiety management I had to record how I felt on a sheet, my anxiety level and what I thought I could do about it. On this sheet (looking back) I wrote “worried he is having an affair. Never comes home when says he does. Meant to finish work at 5, doesn’t come in until 11pm) I knew, I so knew…

He was setting up this business, and he suggested that he would offer Bitch a job! What?! Remember this was before I knew about them, a full 3 months before I discovered the texts on his phone.I thought he was insane. Why would we give a job to the woman who rents our flat from us? Why would we pay her wages only for her then to pay them back to us in rent? What twisted logic is that? She’d be paying to work in a cafe that was her idea to begin with! Bloody hell! Was he trying to fleece her or fleece me, or both. Have his cake and eat it! A master plan I’m sure.

There are so many issue to cover its no wonder I keep running out of steam. This crazt story courses through my brain most of my waking minutes. I am trying to unravel, to understand, to deal wih the aftermath, to cope, to protect the children, to juggle work, to take care of myself, to find a new someone, to flirt with men, to engage in roles I haven’t had to for 21 years. I feel like my teenage self again as that’s where I left myself. I gave myself to him completely. Yes, we had good time, plenty of good time and this horrific, hellish, unbelievable time is more than balancing it out. Here we are with ying and yang again. The hedonistic paradox (a phrase I used months ago regarding a completely different but very important conversation about life) but the synchronicity and coincidences are amazing. I love it! I’m scared but I will lap it up whilst it is being offered. What other choice do I have. The flow can only go forward. I can look back but it’s not going to help. I need to furrow onward.

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