Old Diary Extracts – Background

This post was first written in my diary on the 2nd February 2017. I’m only typing it now I have the courage and grit to come out the other side…

“I visited his old work today and was told a completely different story about how he’d left. How he was very angry, controlling, how he used to walk out during a shift, go awol. He told me they were bullies and he couldn’t stick it anymore – after saying they were lovely people and he’d been round at dinner at theirs, they’d helped us move house, he said he really liked them.  He’d be in tears crying at night because he couldn’t face going in to work. I don’t think he could handle the pressure or the responsibilities. It was too much so he walked. He walked out after some stupid incident regarding a Facebook review to do with chicken.  He cut his employers off, they now tell me he wouldn’t answer their calls or emails but he was then telling me he hadn’t been paid and he’d get round to sorting it. I said that was ridiculous and they were legally obliged to pay him. I drafted a letter for him demanding his pay. He said he sent it. He probably didn’t as I’m not sure he ever did get paid.

This all seems insane to write about but it is very pertinent. It shows aspects of his character that he’d manged to keep hidden from me or else explain away, saying he was upset or something bad had happened to him. Fair enough, bad things happen to lots of us and we ask others for support. I never thought anything of it. I always wanted to help him. I loved him. That’s what you do when you love someone. Listen to them and try help them

When we were walking home today we went down the usual footpath beside the station. My daughter said Slutface’s name! A regular thing then with daddy telling his daughter, “oh, we’re going to meet ***** today”? What the hell?!  She’s not even 22 months old and she can say a few words. But to say ******.  That’s some doing. That’s a regular thing! How dare he!

Today I also took my daughter to the doctors as for the past 5-6 weeks she has been wincing and protesting whenever I change her nappy, clean her or wipe her winky or fasten her vest poppers. It flashed through my mind that she may have been interfered with…. Main suspect being him! It would explain his behaviour recently and his decline into self destruct and punishing himself. Guilt emerging from every pore. Pleading illness to get out of whatever he is in. Is he being blackmailed? By bitch? By the guy selling the business to him? What’s going on?

Bearing in mind I wrote this months ago I still feel there is something not quite right about all this and his behaviour. He is happy to let other take the reigns and get them to jump through hoops that they don’t even need to jump through just because he utters something we take it at face value. He is reeling us in. He is trying to get away with something. I know not what. Nor do I much care anymore but if he has dared touch my daughter I will destroy him! It would make sense. He was ploughing ahead when we first split. Thinking he was cock of the north, he’d moved out on 26th November but was lying about where he was living, he’d turn up to look after my daughter so I could go to work, I felt uncomfortable about how easily it all slotted in to place, how he was taking it in his stride but on the 12th January 2017 all that changed.

His mother was looking after my daughter. I’m sure she let him in or took her to see him. Was he left alone with our daughter whilst his mum went out? The next day he had his fit. Couldn’t speak, was hallucinating. Was he broken? Suffering post traumatic stress, had he recreated something that had happened to him when younger. What was his game? Or is he just broken because he realises what he’s lost. What he had thrown away. Did he want to punish me via her for messing up his plans. Did he think if he punishes my daughter he is punishing me? Or was it a sick thrill for him knowing he could do that. I am not saying he has. I do not know but my suspicions were roused due to my daughters sudden change in behaviour at bath time – not wanting to go in the bath, holding on to me, crying desperately like it was a trauma to go in the bath. What had happened, she used to love a bath. Would try climb stairs as fast as she could to ge to the bath. What happened?

I raised my concern to the doctor eventually after both my mum and his mum said similar things. My mum had noticed her granddaughters behaviour when she was staying with them -, she did not want to go in bath. My mother in law also said something red-flaggy when I mentioned about my daughters problem and thought she may have an infection, or thrush. She said – oh, if you take her to the doctors you know what they’d think, they’ll think the worse and suspect abuse.”  Now, why would a gran say that??  where’s her focus lying. Her granddaughters agony and solving the issue or passing the blame  and ‘do not go there’ as you might uncover something heinous… Lordy!

In the end I voiced my concerns to the doctor. I wanted it logged. I do not trust him an inch. It has since cleared up, or she recovered, and felt better and now fully enjoys a bath and splashing in the water. Fastening poppers are not a chore anymore. He has only seen his daughter twice since the 12th of January. It is now the 7th of May. Both times he was with someone else or me and both times were short visits.  I spoke to the health visitor for nearly two hours that day. I told her the whole sorry tale that has still to be truly unravelled on here. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. This bit is the worst I think. It rocked me to the core to think that I could suspect the man I love, my kids father, my lover and best friend of 21 years of anything so awful. He’s lied about everything else. Why not this? How will I ever know the truth on that one and why when I sent him an email detailing a few issues and I added this as gently as I could, why did he not stop and rage and refute my accusation. If someone accused me of something so awful that I hadn’t done i’d have them up against the wall demanding to be set straight. He never said a thing. Guilt by silence. Perhaps?

 

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