Well, another piece clicked – “prostitute, I’m a male prostitute” – he prostitutes himself. He can switch off from the act, pretend he’s enjoying it but would really be rather going solo. I alwys thought it was because I wasn’t enough for him. Couldn’t sate him but he was obsessed. But most guys are obsessed so no real clue discovered there…

He prostituted himself to Bitch and she paid me the rent. She paid me to sleep with him. He placed her in a position where she was paying to spend time with him. It seemed to serve a practical purpose; she needed a place to live and ours was convenient, he manipulated or subtly coerced her into moving there for his own ends, she thought he had her best interests at heart and everyone wins. Nobody had won. We are all suffering and bumbling by.

He stopped sleeping with me. No wonder if he was getting it new someplace else. Then doubly so come the time him and Slutface got it together in February 2016. I possibly wasn’t as loving as much, considering we’d just had a baby – sex goes by the wayside when a new baby is in the house but he couldn’t face that. He probably done so long without it for 7 months during my pregnancy so felt entitled to go claim someone new… even though it was his choice not to sleep with me when I was pregnant and there was me gagging for it, saying it was an ideal time. This pregnancy had been horrendous, I was so ill, vomiting blood, sick 24 /7, dizzy constantly, faint, thyroid problems. I was loosing weight and I should have been blooming. I ws so ill and of work for 11 weeks. It was an awful experience and I’m so glad my first pregnancy hadn’t been like thatas I would never had ventured there again if I thought I’d have to feel like that again. It was a mess, I was a mess and he retreated. He withheld from me, just like he withheld a whole host of other topics.

I was tired, traumatised and on edge and he never felt like dong it or showed any inclination that he felt loving towards me at all. An occasional pat on the head but no big show of affections. Even when I think back. I offered myself to him that night on Remembrance Sunday and he turned me down. Yet more discards. He held the power in his twisted way. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t need me. I feel I played my hand too early giving him that letter I wrote – saying I could do it on my own, that I could bring up the kids without him, Yes he hid it but I bet that enraged him as it spoikled his plans. He is away month ahead but it will catch up with him. He will regret what he has lost but I can’t do anything about that now.

He would never have thought that me and Bitch might talk or that I’d track down what he’d been up to. I knew something was off when we went away for a weekend and during our adult time together he started role playing that he was a male prostitute. I played along, why not, but it felt to me like it was coming from a different place in his brain, like it was an augmented reality. Like he was testing me to see what he could get away with whilst also boasting at the same time. Slutface told me she had the same scenario with him too. That’s good, least he doesn’t vary his chat or technique too much. One size fits all so it would seem!



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