I had to choose last week about going to see a film that featured Stockholm as the background city or one that featured Berlin. I shyed away from the Berlin one because it is now tainted in my eyes. (He took both his slags there and we also went as a family. Every year since 2014 he has been to Berlin. it’s a bit of a theme.)
For years we had a poster on our bedroom wall that said BERLIN on it with a picture of a large woman sitting atop a building wearing boxing gloves, swatting aeroplanes away. Why is my life encapsulated in a poster that is now at the top of my stairs? Why is this speaking to me? Why was it siting there laughing at me like he was secretly laughing at me for being so stupid? For being able to conduct two affairs without me noticing? For conning me out of thousands of pounds without me noticing?
Why? Because he was a plausible, deceitful fuck! Because he lied and cheated and twisted his stories! Because he does not think like me just emulates what he thinks I need to hear. He was never proactive, he never organised or arranged things, he was always too busy or didn’t have the money, or it would be regretfully forgotten about, or he didn’t have time… Fakery at every turn..
And do you know what? I don’t think he done it intentionally, I just think he can’t help it. He is conditioned. It was in his culture. We are a product of our environment. He gave me all the clues I just didn’t know how to piece them together or what the picture I was trying to build actually was. He covered everything so well but when I look back on our relationship I can see all the red flags and errors of judgment, and me pacifying him because he turned on the waterworks or put a poor me act on…
We never used to fight and I hated that. I wanted a fight. I wanted to clear the air. I now think he was worried that if he lost control and showed his temper the truth would come spilling out. He has to be pushed to the edge for the truth to be released. I do not take any pleasure in forcing someones truth. I just don’t know any other way than that, in how to deal with life. I may be too open and honest but then at least people can make a judgement about me and that’s that. There is no seeking false approval. There is no neediness. I am strong and I can do this. He is weak and always has been. He needs a woman to fight his battles for him. I can no longer serve that purpose. I don’t fully understand why that stopped, why he felt he had to get off that ride? Because I showed weakness? Because I developed anxiety? Because I was unhappy in our current house?
I’ll never know why because he is not emotionally astute enough to tell me. I think he is only driven by primal fear. He pretends to have emotional knowledge but he does not. He just puts on the face that he hopes his partner or friend wants to be shown. He is not authentic. He is stunted compared to me. And so be it. We cannot all be the same. We are not all made out of the same pattern. He’s taught me many a lesson. I hope I have taught him some but he will never admit it