Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.
As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough.. And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…
I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!
So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)). Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.
If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.
I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.
What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.
Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.