The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside-down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.

I was in love with a mask, a facade, a shell. I only caught glimpses of the real him. 2 decades and he treated his best friend like dirt. I was never the enemy. I was always on his side and he used that to his selfish, entitled ends. Why do I now feel like the crazy one? My life was ‘perfect’ before I uncovered his numerous secrets and twisted truths. I get the blame for realising he is disordered. I am ‘crazy’ because he made me that way. I worked hard and he coasted. When will I ever get completely over this?

After Narcissistic Abuse

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overpowering responses to emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse distracts/disables you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth and the reality of my situation.

Abuse, at its very core, is really…

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Interacting with a Narcissist! They use a distorted form of manipulation making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK, and they use this just like a Yo-Yo to keep you off balance in the ups and downs BUT always blameworthy and feeling worthless!

No contact.

After Narcissistic Abuse

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

 

When we are attempting to relate to a Narcissist our interactions with them are basically manipulated into reactions that a Narcissist provokes by basically charming or love bombing our emotions positively or the opposite negative reactions of putting us on the defensive where we are basically having to always explain ourselves and made to feel wrong or even worthless. It all stems from their shrewd interrogation techniques they used on us where they have gained all kinds of information that they have stored away in their memory for future use to Charm or Harm us. It is part of their big game plan! Significant or insignificant information is all up there in their head that they will use against us in some manner to get the response they want or to…

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Variety is the spice of life and with a Narcissist it could NEVER be truer. A little bit of knowledge to help understand how they do what they do without caring or feeling ANYTHING!

After Narcissistic Abuse

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught and that guilt is what worries them! THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so very easily. That is the working mechanism called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understand this personality disorder. Obviously, they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves by being exposed either because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where…

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Title? What do you call this??

What do you call it if you were raped in every other way apart from physically?
If you were taken from? Coerced by someone you loved? Future faked? Emotionally abused? Lied to for years about small and big things? Financially depleted by them? Taken from? Soul raped? Belief in love destroyed by them? Having to fight through the pain and anger everyday? Catching glimpses of ‘normality’ cause your soul has been so ruined by their heinous acts? Having to protect your children from their various forms of abuse? Now living in a bubble because you are traumatised that your partners ‘love’ for you and their family could turn so sour and you never had a clue? How his charade was upheld until the end? How he now blames me for finding him out? Eternal victim that he is. How I have to be the strong one and bear every responsibility there is in life whilst he swans about pretending. His lack of character has been truly unearthed. I am glad I eventually ‘escaped’ and seen the light. I was not stupid. I am not stupid or gullible he was just a fantastic liar and convincer.

I had known him all my adult life yet knew nothing of his buried soul. I will not let his pretences and victim-hood ruin my future or my kids’ futures. It’s taking me every bit of strength but I am getting there.

What do you call it if you have to go to counselling to counteract someone’s treatment of you? He can’t ever love his kids properly because he doesn’t know what it should feel like. Sex is different to love. He thinks sex is love. It’s not. Too feel the depth of it is a joy. I will not close my heart because of him. I will not allow him to steal my future because of his selfishness and lack of communication on every level.
Staying strong.

A Fate Worse Than Death…

This is so powerful.
There is no more I feel I want to add.

Caught in the Cogs

Our culture protects rapists…but not for long thanks to women like Savannah, Chloe, and Helen. Women who refuse to stay silent about this culturally taboo subject. Women who refuse to stay silent about what happened to them because it makes others uncomfortable. Women who refuse to stay silent even when the law and society says they need to shut-the-fuck up.

Because, let me tell you one thing, provable or not in a court of law, rape is rape is rape. Too many people think rape must be violent rape by a stranger in a dark alley or in the bushes.

Too many people think of “date rape” as somehow not as traumatic as stranger rape. It is. Perhaps moreso because you have the betrayal of a loved one on top of the assault.

Too many people think rape has to be violent to be rape. It doesn’t. It can…

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A Letter to The New Girlfriend(s) of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Practically word for word (minus the violence) though the veiled threats were there. He repressed everything apart from his libido. I was in love with a shell. I look back and see it all so clearly. The hidden traumas, the fact I guessed his secret over 13 years ago. Me supporting him backfired immensely. I have never known such despair, such cruelty, such unkindness and disrespect towards others. I could write a thesis. Now I’m over the horror it is fascinating but I don’t want to spend my energy on him and his why’s. He had my love for over 20 years and abused it totally. He is now abusing his children through his abandonment of them. History carries on…..

Caught in the Cogs

20120727-203316.jpgI didn’t write this letter, but I did put a personal contribution at the very bottom. This rather long letter below is taken from “About Relationships.”

Pretty accurate.

-_Q

A Letter to The New Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
by Dr. M. Analise Torelli, PhD.,MA,MSW,BS.

Dear New Girlfriend,

Let me preface this letter to you by acknowledging that you will not believe a word of it…just yet. Not for months, or even a year or two…or three…In fact, you may read it and go running to your amazing new man, your special King and newly found ‘soulmate’ for some reassurance that none of this is true. And he WILL tell you it is all a lie. He WILL deny everything. And I also expect that he will tell you it’s all the imaginings of his bitter ex-psycho GF. Oh yes, he will say, you are SO much better…

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Twisted Logic

When you know you are going to be accused of being the baddy yet have to close down because the other party can’t be trusted or relied on to deliver, promote their child’s best interests or even just physically be there for them. History does repeat itself in so many ways.

Well, I have had no real time to blog because I’ve been busy looking after my 2 children. Having a 12 year old and a 3 year old is constant. It never stops. I love them dearly but gees, there is always something needing done, or assisted with, or mopped up or changed, or fixed, or squabbles sorted, demands met, meals cooked, shopping done, school stuff looked after, nursery drop offs, entertainment arranged, cleaning, chores, more shopping, going to work, trying to meet friends and do activities… I put them first all the time. My eldest gives me a long lie at the weekend by taking his sister down for breakfast. Going to work is the only break I get. I am the resentful one now….  I hate that their father has put me in this position of being constantly exhausted. It’s getting better but in some aspects it’s getting worse.

As well as doing the usual parenting, working, I am also trying to fit in counselling, new hobbies for my own sanity, and I’m testing the water with dating (which is farcical). I now have so many issues of trust i look at every guy like I’m sizing them up for mental and emotional battle. I can’t relax. I have to test them. I’m suspicious. I wonder what they are after, apart from sex… Why would anyone want me? (and I write this sarcastically!) I was abhorrent, obviously a shit wife, unattractive, a control freak, he resented me, never wanted another child, didn’t want to move house but he tells me all this after the event. Trying to justify his callous behaviour, betrayal and lies. Yes, I was just so awful, which is why you stayed with me and used my money and lived under my roof. For being a selfish pig he didn’t come out with much from all this apart from a skanky girlfriend who believes his lies and wants to be with a man who doesn’t even know how to love his own flesh and blood or put them first in life, or want to do better for them. He is stunted emotionally and is not life smart. He never foresaw the consequences of juggling 3 lives and being left with the weakest, youngest and most naive woman who can overlook being cheated on and lied to.

So, my son has been chatting to his father online, on the phone I bought him, on the data plan I pay for. Father promised his son a phone and contract before he fled but as usual that didn’t materialise. So, now I see I am being triangulated with my own son. “if your mother allows you to see me”, like I have been the baddy in this!

I want to make clear that I was in ignorance. I was happy. I thought we were committed and together as a loving family. I thought we were both on the same page. I only thought that because he led me to believe that. He agreed with what I wanted but all the while secretly sneering at me and really wanting the opposite.

Please believe nothing he says. He is not logical. Him and his mother say one thing to look good then bad mouth people behind their backs. I’ve seen it all first hand. It’s insane.

I can’t decide whether to cut my sons online use. Do I deny him access to messaging his dad? It feels like a few messages and a present is just lip service. That in no way reimburses the pain, heartaches, confusion… I have never seen my son cry so heartbreakingly because I wouldn’t be able to go to the post office to collect a parcel from his deadbeat father…. I had to relent, the pain was too great to watch. I told him if it was a jumper he wouldn’t be crying so much. He was fully primed to expect it. Told what was in the parcel and when it would be coming. He hid it from me yet kept asking when the postman was coming each day…. He only told me when it meant he might not receive the parcel. His dad encouraging him to go to the post office on his own and ask the woman. My son was sensible enough to ask me if this would be OK because he knows I’d be worried if he was wandering to the post office after school and I didn’t know.

This situation is all too big to compute sometimes. I try to keep things stable for the kids but they don’t have the life they deserve – 2 supportive parents who have their best interests at heart. I am responsible for everything and I mean everything. So nothing has changed since he left. It’s ironic actually. I am better off in so many ways. Apart from having lost £18k that I’m slowly clawing back. This can never be rectified. It’d be same difference if he was dead except I wouldn’t be getting any child support each month. The emotional upheaval would be exactly the same as if he had died.

I feel like I will never shut up about this. As much as I said initially that this will not define me it has certainly reshaped me and for that I am glad. I like who I am. I am proud of myself. I can hold my head high. And even though some may pity me and think ‘poor woman, how could she not know her husband was having two affairs and went abroad behind her back’, the reason I didn’t know, but my gut suspected something wasn’t right, was because he was a self confessed accomplished liar who was expert at manipulation and covert lies even if they were of no value or significance. The fact he could get one over on someone and feel more important and think them the fool says everything. He had no respect for anyone, including himself because he is damaged. He has never communicated truthfully and will tell one person one thing and someone another. He weaved a tangled and messy web that actually ate him all up. He doesn’t love himself so he can’t even love his own children. Freud would have a field day!

Bon nuit