A letter to him

This is a letter I wrote on the 10th April, before I had moments of clarity and determination,  (I was already having them but didn’t realise, I thought I was in panic mode and floundering but reading it back I realise I wasn’t.) My guts, strength and determination shine through.

“I realise everything seems to be a struggle for you. I am not sure you even know what your plans are.
I have tried to sort things amicably and it has turned sour for various reasons that we are all guilty of.
Again I feel I am left to sort this as you come across as if you are paralysed and struck with fear. You do not know where to turn and are relying on the unwieldy NHS mechanism to point you in the direction.
I cannot help you conquer your demons but I can clearly see what you need to do practically. I know you maybe do not want to hear this from me as you detest my supposed ‘superiority’ and controlling attitude. I beg to differ. My heart is always in the right place. I now know what kind of personality traits I have and I’m learning to work on them for the better. My future sanity depends on me doing this. I need to firm up inside as I am always worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, which makes me into a goody goody when really I have kick ass attitudes in parallel. I am a walking juxtaposition, as we all are. Multi faceted….
I feel like I can’t help but want to fix you and mother you which is I’m sure what slutface wants to do too but not what she thought she was signing up for. Do I proceed?
My clarity is not applicable to you. You cannot see what I can see. I am an empath. I do not know what you are. Only you can evaluate that.
Don’t play games with the doctors, truth and release of fear should hopefully set you free to soar and be the best you can be. Don’t let fear paralyse you.
I am open and worry about others. You appear selfish and only concerned with what benefits you without intentionally upsetting other people. (semi narcissistic? But you do upset them once they realise your lies) Sometimes you have to upset people for your own good. If they are emotionally attuned they will understand….
How would you like to proceed? I’d like separate mediation sessions. A routine for the kids. Time to myself. An evening off every now and again. Money for kids paid. You to contribute to mortgage and bills for your kids else sign house over to me. My name taken off that debt. The 6 grand paid back. Your friend needs paid back his 5 grand. He needs it for his kid too. I think he believes you have defrauded him, as do I. That could become a police or legal matter if he gets desperate.
How do we enable all this? What are your wants and priorities?
I can see a solution for us that involves compromise but I am reluctant to mention it as it makes me angry beyond belief.
I am traumatised by this too. I just have a different way of dealing with it. And to be honest apart from the practicalities I do not know how to proceed. Do I go and fuck it out me with some guy? Do I hide myself away? Do I disappear or relocate? The world is my oyster and I know not what direction to go in. I am tethered by my children. So should you be. Doesn’t stop us living but our priorities should still be them. The two innocents in all this. It is our duty to protect and nourish them, practically and emotionally. Yes I can do it myself as I’ve had no choice but they’d rather you were involved. You have a lot to offer them. You are a special person. You are ultimately kind and decent. You try your hardest. Make yourself proud. Don’t worry about other people. In doing it for yourself you open your kids up to the full potential of life. Don’t be negative. Fight the fear.
My love, always (in some new form now)

Psychology Nutshell

I am not to blame for this. I am processing and holding the broken pieces together. He cannot explain what he has done. He does not know himself well enough to come to terms with it all whereas I’ve been forced to confront and unravel for my own sanity and security.

This is the problem. This is why our relationship was never equal. This is why I done all the providing and giving and hard work when it came to the serious aspects of life. He nodded his head and played along but only so he didn’t have to do any of it himself.

He is a selfish, entitled, narcissist and I am an enabler, a soft touch because I loved him. He took my money, he took my love, he took my ideas, he took my credit, he utilised the best bits of life that I gave him to make it look like it was his life too. He was a passenger and I was the driver. Literally!

He lied to his bitches and some of his friends about being able to drive.  He maintained pretence at all costs. He was never brave enough to vocalise his true feelings. He hid and so dug. A deep whole that is now filed with hatred, malice, upset, confusion, spite, anger, toxicity, denial, shame, sadness. It is a deep black hole. It must be awful to be in that hell. To realise what he has done.

I felt guilty for writing this blog but if I didn’t I would have gone under too. I am the exact opposite of him I talk, I open up, I resolve, I confront. I am not scared. People may hate me or think me crass or stupid but I don’t care. This is my life. He took control away from me. I thought we were on the same path but he was just riding my coat tails.

I loved him which is why I gave, why I encouraged, why I supported. My alarm bells did ring at times but I never doubted him as to this level of deceit and cunning.

I may have lost money, the kids may have lost their father but I still have my pride and dignity and a true heart. It is a tougher heart now complete with railings and padlocks but it still beats in time it still wants to experience the joy life has to offer. It will be unlocked by the right person I’m sure.

This link describes his character perfectly….




The All Seeing Eye

I take strength from this song. All Seeing I – The Beat Goes On  I can dance to it. I can relate to it. All is not over. There will be better out there. I can feel it. I want it. He is not taking that away from me too!


He is not that clever. He is clever in an emotionally manipulative capacity. He is clever in respect of getting women to do what he needs. He is clever in that he can sit back and have no pressures whilst everyone else strives on and sees him ok. Hell even his own mother does not care for him, which may be the root of the issue. But you do not leave your child to fester… You kick them up the arse and you see them right. You drag them by the scruff for their own good. But then I wanted my children maybe they didn’t. Well I know they didn’t. They had no choice.

Another song from the past that I now see in a different light:

The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist

It was on Coldcut ‘Beats & Pieces’ CD. The first CD-ROM I ever got that was interactive. We sat, aged 18 and 19 watching it together in my room. Clicking on videos and buttons, amazed at what the future was offering in terms of technology, enmeshed in our love. (i then went on to study interactive graphic design and multimedia, which then led to my job in graphic design). Thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought he was the best thing too!

History is repeating itself. (which was another of my favourite songs from that same era.)

Propellerheads – ‘History Repeating’

Oh Lord, how things fall in to place. What pattern am I seeing in my life? What signs of synchronicity and clues that propel me in the right direction. I am loving every minute of this part of it all! Like I have guidance from above. My angel is out there!

I am being watched over. I am looking and now also seeing the horrors and deceit, the lies right in front of me. He has no remorse or conscience. Neither does Slutface. I need her help in this but wow, when this is over I will unleash. I feel the need to save her but in doing that will I sacrifice myself and my sanity? Why do I feel the urge to fix things, why can I not just hold my head up and walk away? Next up on my random YouTube playlist that is playing whilst I type this, is appropriately enough: Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Were Made for Walking

Followed by this: Nancy Sinatra – ‘Bang Bang’  Which I sent to Mr C the other week in a moment of madness that makes perfect sense now! I am riding this roller coaster and holding on for dear life. With the pain and nervousness comes pleasure. Life is good even though it is hard. x

Gosh, I have been busy tonight. And the motorbike is finally out of the garage!

Simplify It

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

How can I put this simply so people understand? So I understand? What do I need to say in a nutshell so folk grasp the true absurdity, cowardice and selfishness of his actions (note to self: I think you are talking to yourself again…)

He started cheating on me when my daughter was 2 months old (else it had started way before this and it was only consummated then). He was seeing the lady who rented our old home off us, they used to work together. I didn’t know her. She tells me he persuaded her to move into our old flat. He brought her round to our home for me to meet her before we gave her the lease but really he was just flaunting her under my nose to see what he could get away with or if I suspected anything.

He said he would cater a friends wedding in Skye. He never mentioned she was going with him. I thought he was great doing this big job on his own. In reality he could never have catered it by himself. This was in June 2015.

I was off on maternity leave for 11 months. Right up until March 2016. In February 2016 he had sex with another colleague from a different and most recent place of employment. He was also still seeing lady number one.

In October 2015 he packed his job in and lady number 2, that he originally hired, took over from him. I think he only occasionally worked there and not full time like he said. He worked partly at another pub (so he tells me) but that could be lies too…

Around about February 2016 he came to me and told me he’d be keen to start his own business. He started to look at premises. He eventually found a place near by us. What he didn’t tell me was that this was all getting properly planned behind my back with lady number 1, whose idea it really was and he tagged along for the ride claiming it was his baby and his adventure, that he was doing it for our family and our kids future (that is probably what I wanted to hear so he told me it).

I thought it strange that he had no formal business plan, that there was no paper work but he said he didn’t work like that and it was all in his head. He’d go to meetings with the bank, trade fairs, but I wasn’t needed. He’d talk about décor ideas with me and menu ideas but all the while these were probably ideas he’d already discussed with her.

He then applied for a loan to help with the business start up costs. He was refused because of his credit rating. He’d never had any credit in his life so was an unknown risk. He asked, or I volunteered, to apply jointly with him for one and this time he got it. £12,000 – a years wage for him, but he also said he needed £6,000 to pay the lawyers fees and lease etc. I took £3,000 from my account and then another £3,000 was added to the mortgage. He was going to let me take it out our sons savings account but I could not get to the bank to withdraw it .

He also took £5,000 off a friend who was our ex neighbour, who lived under the flat that we rent out to woman number 1. He told me that it was a different friend who had given him this money. Maybe both of them gave him it…

This is all so warped and confusing….

I questioned him as to why the business was so expensive. That I didn’t think it was worth it. He explained it away by saying he’d have a lot of stock to buy and repairs to carry out before it could be opened. I left him to it because I trusted him and I was busy with a baby and suffering anxiety and postnatal problems (I wonder why?).

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

Most of the catering jobs he pretended to take were covers so he could go away on holiday with whichever one of them was free. We went to Berlin as a family back in 2014, before I got pregnant, He went with lady one to Berlin in October 2015 and again with lady two to Berlin in November 2016. His business was going to be a Berlin street food themed café. Lots of research needed then, eh?

He has also been to a wedding as her partner, in front of all her friends, he has met her parents, her mother has his artwork on her walls. Lady two has introduced him to her parents, she did not fully know about lady number one and thought she was just his ‘business partner’ and they’d had a brief fling together but it was nothing serious. And there is poor lady number one turning up at his work, where lady two also works and sitting with them having drinks whilst he knows he his shagging both of them behind the others backs and then also coming home to me and his kids!! What an ego! What an arrogant fucktard.

I found this all out by seeing a text message. I know men can be unfaithful and that takes deception but this is beyond even that. This is not giving a shit about anyone. Least of all his kids. This is thinking he is so clever that he can pull all this off and none of us would notice. Perhaps I didn’t notice for 18months but I had my suspicions but chose not to listen or when I did confront about certain things he’d have plausible reasons or else be so convincing I was calmed down. My gut told me the truth and I refused to listen. My pride about not wanting to upset the apple cart or criticise him for not earning enough because I didn’t want to hurt his pride nearly destroyed me emotionally. I thought we were set for life together. He made all the right noises. But actually he was a cheating bastard who had probably longed to sleep with many woman (or has) behind my back but didn’t want to leave me as he had it too easy. He could spend his wages on trainers and aeroplanes whilst I paid all the bills because I earned more than he did. He stayed home to look after the kids. He hates pressure so when I got ill during pregnancy he probably panicked thinking this was going to be on his shoulders. His reaction to that is to give up completely and bite the hand that feeds him.

simplify your life in wood type

We had it good and a fair balance that we were both happy with. We both worked part time, we both looked after kids but he wanted more. More women. Fair enough but be honest about it please, or at least have a conversation with me saying how you feel, that you are not happy, that the sex is boring, that you want something else… Don’t do what you think people want you to do or say because look at the shit one ends up in.

This is still too much to simplify. I’ll have to take a break for now. I’ll write more when I have the energy and it’s not 2 o’clock in the morning….

Auf wiedersehen.


He killed my love by yanking it out from the roots. It didn’t die naturally and get slowly pruned it was brutally uprooted and exposed. Died from harsh handling. The neglect was obvious but it was watered enough to keep it limping along, often flowered but had black spots. It could have been tended and nurtured back to full bloom but it wasn’t given a chance. It lacked the nutrients and quality of soil to ever give it its full potential. X


Every Thursday I worked late shift. Every Thursday he met Bitch it seems. I am so glad she turned up at my house that night. Her bravery meant I have been freed. Maybe she came round to claim him but I don’t think so. I think she realised what a fool she’d been. Slutface has still to come to this conclusion. It has not dawned on her yet. She is still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Even after all the evidence has been presented to her. ‘Love can conquer all’ – ‘you have to fight for your man & work on your relationship’. She is the same age I was when me and him first split. We did split for 8  or 9 months then I took him back. Why? I can’t remember! I must’ve loved him I guess. I was willing to give him another chance because we had a life together we had grown up together, we had amazing sex. Why wouldn’t I want him… It’s not as if he carried through with any of his promises to the first colleague I discovered he’d been shagging. Though he told me they hadn’t slept together. If they hadn’t slept together how come I got chlamydia after 7 years of being in a monogamous (as far as I was concerned) relationship.  What an idiot I was!

He did say once he had to go see Miss H as she was having trouble with her coil! and was bleeding! I went livid! How dare he go accompany her to see about something so intimate that he had no business being a shoulder to cry on. Either that was bull or else they were both getting treated for STD’s, or she was getting an abortion, or else it was true.  I did try calling her a few times and left voicemails (remember this was pre social media) I wrote her letters and emails looking for an explanation about what he had told her – again I didn’t blame her. It was all his doing for lulling her in to a false relationship.  At some point I will post my diary extracts from 2004 so you can see how then and now compares. Again, a lot of empty promises about moving away and wanting to be together. This time he had no choice but to move in with slutface. I am sure he probably moved in with Miss H back then as i remember reading emails to her saying he was now staying with a mate in Cathcart when actually we had patched up and he was back living with me. What a liar and I still took him back and three months later I was pregnant…

He has been using the same M.O. again but this time slightly more advanced and daring and did manage to go away with them on holiday whereas for Miss M it never got to flying off together – she flew off without him and he puppy doggedly kept in touch with her. He kept in touch with her for over four years! I had to battle every few months for him to put her down. I even up and left with our kid to get away. I think the shock of that did make it stop but I’ll never know. He used her influence to get a job in a cycle shop, to get into bikes, to dress his son in cycle caps – just like she did. To get into security and jobs on the doors? Perhaps? (I’m not sure of this one. ) A bit of a tomboy by all accounts. Just like me, just like Bitch perhaps and also Slutface. Confident women who he can bring down or damaged goods that he can use for his own ends?

He could have been doing similar for years. Do I need to know? No. Would I like to know – not sure. His tales mean nothing now. He could tell me that every year he had a new bit on the side and I wouldn’t know whether to believe him or not. To be honest I couldn’t care less now. What am I fighting for? Nothing. I don’t want him back.

Last week he told me he was leaving. That he had been ofered a job up north along with slutface (she had been looking to go home so it is no doubt her efforts that have brought this about – he has no other option but to go because he will not make an effort here for his kids even though he live a 5 minute walk away) His mind is sharp – too sharp but he sometimes can not see the bigger picture as he is too busy looking at the tiny details. He wants to be able to control things, to glue the pieces together – just like glueing his model airplanes together – that never get finished – he likes the shiney pictures on the boxes but very rarely carries through to completion… sound familar?

I am not cruelly slagging him because he has done me wrong. I am sure he could write a blog about my foibles but least my insecurities don’t’ damage any ones lives ( I hope..) (I hope I am always open and upfront enough that nothing gets to the point where I have to hide things to keep other people happy.) I am not going down that route.  This has indeed ramped up. I’m getting token bites from the bait he is laying but I have a funny feeling he is already gone. Lets see what tomorrow brings. Will he go or will he stay on Monday?? Hmmm….

Going Back in Time

He’s making me start again without the necessary tools, he has injured me and wounded me so my flight to freedom is more treacherous. Like he wanted to poison me so no one else would have me.

So, yes, I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this pain before or something similar… and he caused it too.  Least I did not have two kids to worry about then. Least it was just me and I could deal with it how and when I liked.  Now I am tied, I feel shackled. I cannot go out drinking or dancing, most of my friends are married with kids so no easy going out, everything has to be planned.  He’s making me start again without the necessary tools, he has injured me and wounded me so my flight to freedom is more treacherous. Like he wanted to poison me so no one else would have me.

Of course that is all about the self.  He was all about him. He probably was not even thinking about me or tried not to.  He definitely wasn’t thinking about his children. He was thinking with his dick and his self entitlement. Thinking he was gods gift. That women were dropping at his feet. Arsehole! How can one push a whole life to the side? What type of brain is able to do that but not only that, give the semblance of order, that everything was ok, whilst simultaneously shagging and building a life with Bitch, and working, and shagging Slutface whenever the opportunity arose – mostly in their workplace I’d imagine. I wonder if environmental health know? Eugh!

He has plenty time to do what he likes. To disappear to absolve himself of responsibility. Does he think I will take him back? That I’ll come round?  Is he repeating the pattern of what he seen in his childhood – that it’s okay to disappear for 6 months and shack up with someone else.  That’s what men do don’t they? Jees-oh!

Yet I knew, I knew something was wrong. After the birth of our daughter I struggled. I was not enjoying it at all. It was tough. Here was me begging to have another baby and now I had what I wanted I hated it. I was going under by 3 or 4 months I had to admit to the health visitor all was not well. I had visions of driving under trucks, swerving off the road, throwing myself and my daughter down the stairs, being so very aware of where the knives were, that I could use them. I knew this wasn’t my head. I knew this wasn’t me. Was he going through the same? Had he always had these kind of thoughts or similar?

As part of my anxiety management I had to record how I felt on a sheet, my anxiety level and what I thought I could do about it. On this sheet (looking back) I wrote “worried he is having an affair. Never comes home when says he does. Meant to finish work at 5, doesn’t come in until 11pm) I knew, I so knew…

He was setting up this business, and he suggested that he would offer Bitch a job! What?! Remember this was before I knew about them, a full 3 months before I discovered the texts on his phone.I thought he was insane. Why would we give a job to the woman who rents our flat from us? Why would we pay her wages only for her then to pay them back to us in rent? What twisted logic is that? She’d be paying to work in a cafe that was her idea to begin with! Bloody hell! Was he trying to fleece her or fleece me, or both. Have his cake and eat it! A master plan I’m sure.

There are so many issue to cover its no wonder I keep running out of steam. This crazt story courses through my brain most of my waking minutes. I am trying to unravel, to understand, to deal wih the aftermath, to cope, to protect the children, to juggle work, to take care of myself, to find a new someone, to flirt with men, to engage in roles I haven’t had to for 21 years. I feel like my teenage self again as that’s where I left myself. I gave myself to him completely. Yes, we had good time, plenty of good time and this horrific, hellish, unbelievable time is more than balancing it out. Here we are with ying and yang again. The hedonistic paradox (a phrase I used months ago regarding a completely different but very important conversation about life) but the synchronicity and coincidences are amazing. I love it! I’m scared but I will lap it up whilst it is being offered. What other choice do I have. The flow can only go forward. I can look back but it’s not going to help. I need to furrow onward.