Title? What do you call this??

What do you call it if you were raped in every other way apart from physically?
If you were taken from? Coerced by someone you loved? Future faked? Emotionally abused? Lied to for years about small and big things? Financially depleted by them? Taken from? Soul raped? Belief in love destroyed by them? Having to fight through the pain and anger everyday? Catching glimpses of ‘normality’ cause your soul has been so ruined by their heinous acts? Having to protect your children from their various forms of abuse? Now living in a bubble because you are traumatised that your partners ‘love’ for you and their family could turn so sour and you never had a clue? How his charade was upheld until the end? How he now blames me for finding him out? Eternal victim that he is. How I have to be the strong one and bear every responsibility there is in life whilst he swans about pretending. His lack of character has been truly unearthed. I am glad I eventually ‘escaped’ and seen the light. I was not stupid. I am not stupid or gullible he was just a fantastic liar and convincer.

I had known him all my adult life yet knew nothing of his buried soul. I will not let his pretences and victim-hood ruin my future or my kids’ futures. It’s taking me every bit of strength but I am getting there.

What do you call it if you have to go to counselling to counteract someone’s treatment of you? He can’t ever love his kids properly because he doesn’t know what it should feel like. Sex is different to love. He thinks sex is love. It’s not. Too feel the depth of it is a joy. I will not close my heart because of him. I will not allow him to steal my future because of his selfishness and lack of communication on every level.
Staying strong.

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A Fate Worse Than Death…

This is so powerful.
There is no more I feel I want to add.

Caught in the Cogs

Our culture protects rapists…but not for long thanks to women like Savannah, Chloe, and Helen. Women who refuse to stay silent about this culturally taboo subject. Women who refuse to stay silent about what happened to them because it makes others uncomfortable. Women who refuse to stay silent even when the law and society says they need to shut-the-fuck up.

Because, let me tell you one thing, provable or not in a court of law, rape is rape is rape. Too many people think rape must be violent rape by a stranger in a dark alley or in the bushes.

Too many people think of “date rape” as somehow not as traumatic as stranger rape. It is. Perhaps moreso because you have the betrayal of a loved one on top of the assault.

Too many people think rape has to be violent to be rape. It doesn’t. It can…

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Laying It to Rest

I leave the light on hoping you’ll come home,
But you never will,
You can’t,
I’m all alone.

My heart was broken,
My soul’s in shreds,
You done this to me and you’re not quite dead.

I gave too much,
I had faith in love,
Yet your mask was welded tightly shut.

Facade,
Bravado,
Greed and pain,
You never bared your whole face again.

I loved a shell,
A husk,
A fraud,
I gave you shape to lean upon.

I know my strengths,
I know my style,
I’ve learnt so much that it will be worthwhile.

My anger drowns me,
My sadness sinks,
I muster each day a new badge of life,
I’m glad you raped me to my core,
I’m grateful to find myself once more,

My pity will go over your head,
As your ego cannot be laid to rest.

Nothing…

No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

No Contact

I have been trying to uphold no contact. I do not wish to see, speak or hear from him. Yet I have so much I want to hurl at him. He hurts me and his children yet spends his free time in the pub and going trips, taking no responsibility for his children at all. He is pathetic…

I hear he has been working more hours so I’ve contacted the csa to increase his payments. I am sick of paying for everything.  (I paid for his life for the 17 years that we lived together. I used to get frustrated that he would never contribute to bills. It irritated me a lot but he was a good and attentive father back then so I let it slide). I prided myself on earning enough part time to support us all. I now realise he has no pride or self respect. He is out for himself and must’ve always had been. I would never tolerate that from anyone else so why him?

I was happy, so maybe I have to accept that, I could never have predicted how it would end as he lied so much. I had no chance.

I truly hate him and his actions – he has turned me into a crumpled, non sleeping mess, that I never was before. I am stronger and more confident now but I have so much resentment it chokes me and boils over frequently.

I hear she is taking him to Warsaw for his 40th birthday. Let’s see what chaos happens whilst they are away…. I have a plan! I was thinking to ruin him like he has mentally ruined me. It is taking me all my guts and determination to keep going. To the point I neglect other chores in life to allow me to mentally process my accession.

I have joined two dating websites and the comments of how stunning I am, gorgeous, hot, so pretty are words and phrases I have never heard before. Least not from him! I am amazed It has given me a boost that I sorely needed. Last look 1,422 guys wanted to meet me. That’s 1 a day for the next 4 years nearly!! It’s ridiculous. (Else they are desperate.) I never realised I was desirable before… I thought he was the catch but he is fucking nothing! I would not piss on him if he was on fire! I am liking the attention a little too much then I get frustrated when I can’t go on a date because I have to take care of the kids all the time…

Oh and for more closure – I’ve deleted all his family and friends off Facebook. What’s the point? I’m not really friends with them, just had to tolerate most of them because they came with him. He doesn’t honour them so why should I?  (I do really like a couple of them and it is nothing personal towards them but I honsetly can’t face having any connections with his family. It is too painful. Maybe in time once I am less fragile but it is social media – it doesn’t ultimately matter – [eople arin your life becuae you want them to be, beccause they matter to you…) His mum talks about them all like she is so much better…. I don’t think so. I don’t think any of her sisters sons have done anything remotely like this in their lives…? They all provide for and cherish their children.

I hope it will be worth all the chaos and fallout. This is not my doing.  This is not my responsibility. I’ll do what suits me. He has discarded his kids and nothing he can say or say or do from now on in will make that up.

I’m off to do Santa presents on my own cause he doesn’t give a shit about his children!

Idiots

I am pushed to the limit each day. All I want to do is hide. I am calmer emotionally but events still grate.

The latest is slutface replying to an email (I eventually had to include her in the chain knowing this would get me a response). If I can embarrass him in front of her to get what I want then I will. In my original email I suggested that I’d have no hesitation in visiting the hotel, with the kids in order to sort what is required. I meant this as a threat, to cause a scene. To inform her parents. To get him to sign. To shame him. To put the boot in. To release my anger. Not as a friendly gesture or for the kids benefit.  Do these idiots have no concept?

She now replies saying that might be a good idea as he misses them terribly. Well, if he misses them terribly then do something about it. Why not drive down to see them? But he can’t drive…  But he told everyone else he could…! He tries to make it sound as if I am denying him access when he has never even requested a visit or to see them since Easter. I am not laying it on a plate. I am not responsible for his actions. He said he would put kids first and he hasn’t. He’s put himself first throughout. He’s made everyone’s life a misery to match his. Well no longer. He can fuck right off. I am no pleading with him to be involved with his own children. That should come naturally. You do not treat your own kids like disposable pawns. You do not think it a good idea to bring your kids to visit your ex who lives in a caravan in strangers back garden with a woman who has no morals or concept of emotional maturity, decency or respect. Go for it lady but you’ve chosen an idiot.

He was my idiot but you can have him. He is no value to me now. He wrung me out emotionally and financially. Hell, even physically, as I was exhausted bearing the load for everything. It was not a partnership it was parent and child. I am an idiot! I deserve more. My kids deserve more.

He lacks in every angle. No money, no morals, no sense, no compassion, no shame. Take, take, take all his life and I didn’t help because I gave and gave. That is love.

The Sun Also Rises

Forgive me. I have not written in a while. I wanted to but I had no energy. By the time I’d thought about and processed my usual thoughts regarding this turmoil, then for the words to leave my fingers and get to this page was all a step too far.

I have came a long way. I am still angry and saddened but I have spark again. I can see a new future. It is shining bright but it is a glint that catches my eye every now and again it’s not a full beam. The people who have got me through may not even realise the enormity of a short chat, a brief text exchange or a knowing look can have. Maybe I read too much into things lol!  But I am learning to go with the flow. Not be so anxious. There is no perfection. We are all tarnished. But it’s the bumps that make you beautiful. A straight line is not exciting.

To be honest I don’t even want to document the latest stages of the saga. How he still will not communicate, how he is not just away for the summer but is moving in to a chalet and buying couches (the same fucking couch we have in our house!) . I still do not think her family knows the carnage he left behind. Well do you know, fucking good luck with that. Build your new life on shaky pegs and it will not hold. It may look solid but I hope it never feels it. I hope slutface is constantly vigilant, on edge and worried she is just a port in a storm. They may prove me wrong and get married and have kids but honestly…. If you have to steal to provide for one family and actually steal from the woman who loves you and gave you that family to do so then it is futile. You are in a vortex that will implode. And it did. Big style. The shrapnel is still flying nearly a year later.

See, the more I type the more of a mess I get into going over it. Trying to understand. It is a logic and way of thinking and conducting oneself that is incomprehensible to me. His brain must be wired differently or at the very least short circuit-ed….

I have so much to offload that I feel like buying a traditional typewriter and hammering the keys, ‘Murder She Wrote’  style. Maybe I could do a Hemingway? Ideally I’d like to be a recluse but I have the kids to think about and I’d miss their fun and smiles. So no, you can’t have everything in this world and if you let greed rule you it will kill you.!