A letter to him

This is a letter I wrote on the 10th April, before I had moments of clarity and determination,  (I was already having them but didn’t realise, I thought I was in panic mode and floundering but reading it back I realise I wasn’t.) My guts, strength and determination shine through.

“I realise everything seems to be a struggle for you. I am not sure you even know what your plans are.
I have tried to sort things amicably and it has turned sour for various reasons that we are all guilty of.
Again I feel I am left to sort this as you come across as if you are paralysed and struck with fear. You do not know where to turn and are relying on the unwieldy NHS mechanism to point you in the direction.
I cannot help you conquer your demons but I can clearly see what you need to do practically. I know you maybe do not want to hear this from me as you detest my supposed ‘superiority’ and controlling attitude. I beg to differ. My heart is always in the right place. I now know what kind of personality traits I have and I’m learning to work on them for the better. My future sanity depends on me doing this. I need to firm up inside as I am always worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, which makes me into a goody goody when really I have kick ass attitudes in parallel. I am a walking juxtaposition, as we all are. Multi faceted….
I feel like I can’t help but want to fix you and mother you which is I’m sure what slutface wants to do too but not what she thought she was signing up for. Do I proceed?
My clarity is not applicable to you. You cannot see what I can see. I am an empath. I do not know what you are. Only you can evaluate that.
Don’t play games with the doctors, truth and release of fear should hopefully set you free to soar and be the best you can be. Don’t let fear paralyse you.
I am open and worry about others. You appear selfish and only concerned with what benefits you without intentionally upsetting other people. (semi narcissistic? But you do upset them once they realise your lies) Sometimes you have to upset people for your own good. If they are emotionally attuned they will understand….
How would you like to proceed? I’d like separate mediation sessions. A routine for the kids. Time to myself. An evening off every now and again. Money for kids paid. You to contribute to mortgage and bills for your kids else sign house over to me. My name taken off that debt. The 6 grand paid back. Your friend needs paid back his 5 grand. He needs it for his kid too. I think he believes you have defrauded him, as do I. That could become a police or legal matter if he gets desperate.
How do we enable all this? What are your wants and priorities?
I can see a solution for us that involves compromise but I am reluctant to mention it as it makes me angry beyond belief.
I am traumatised by this too. I just have a different way of dealing with it. And to be honest apart from the practicalities I do not know how to proceed. Do I go and fuck it out me with some guy? Do I hide myself away? Do I disappear or relocate? The world is my oyster and I know not what direction to go in. I am tethered by my children. So should you be. Doesn’t stop us living but our priorities should still be them. The two innocents in all this. It is our duty to protect and nourish them, practically and emotionally. Yes I can do it myself as I’ve had no choice but they’d rather you were involved. You have a lot to offer them. You are a special person. You are ultimately kind and decent. You try your hardest. Make yourself proud. Don’t worry about other people. In doing it for yourself you open your kids up to the full potential of life. Don’t be negative. Fight the fear.
My love, always (in some new form now)
x”

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The All Seeing Eye

I take strength from this song. All Seeing I – The Beat Goes On  I can dance to it. I can relate to it. All is not over. There will be better out there. I can feel it. I want it. He is not taking that away from me too!

allseingeye

He is not that clever. He is clever in an emotionally manipulative capacity. He is clever in respect of getting women to do what he needs. He is clever in that he can sit back and have no pressures whilst everyone else strives on and sees him ok. Hell even his own mother does not care for him, which may be the root of the issue. But you do not leave your child to fester… You kick them up the arse and you see them right. You drag them by the scruff for their own good. But then I wanted my children maybe they didn’t. Well I know they didn’t. They had no choice.

Another song from the past that I now see in a different light:

The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist

It was on Coldcut ‘Beats & Pieces’ CD. The first CD-ROM I ever got that was interactive. We sat, aged 18 and 19 watching it together in my room. Clicking on videos and buttons, amazed at what the future was offering in terms of technology, enmeshed in our love. (i then went on to study interactive graphic design and multimedia, which then led to my job in graphic design). Thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought he was the best thing too!

History is repeating itself. (which was another of my favourite songs from that same era.)

Propellerheads – ‘History Repeating’

Oh Lord, how things fall in to place. What pattern am I seeing in my life? What signs of synchronicity and clues that propel me in the right direction. I am loving every minute of this part of it all! Like I have guidance from above. My angel is out there!

I am being watched over. I am looking and now also seeing the horrors and deceit, the lies right in front of me. He has no remorse or conscience. Neither does Slutface. I need her help in this but wow, when this is over I will unleash. I feel the need to save her but in doing that will I sacrifice myself and my sanity? Why do I feel the urge to fix things, why can I not just hold my head up and walk away? Next up on my random YouTube playlist that is playing whilst I type this, is appropriately enough: Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Were Made for Walking

Followed by this: Nancy Sinatra – ‘Bang Bang’  Which I sent to Mr C the other week in a moment of madness that makes perfect sense now! I am riding this roller coaster and holding on for dear life. With the pain and nervousness comes pleasure. Life is good even though it is hard. x

Gosh, I have been busy tonight. And the motorbike is finally out of the garage!

Uprooted

He killed my love by yanking it out from the roots. It didn’t die naturally and get slowly pruned it was brutally uprooted and exposed. Died from harsh handling. The neglect was obvious but it was watered enough to keep it limping along, often flowered but had black spots. It could have been tended and nurtured back to full bloom but it wasn’t given a chance. It lacked the nutrients and quality of soil to ever give it its full potential. X

Why I’m Angry

So not only do you ruin our family, break my heart, cause our son untold pain and anger, mess countless other people’s emotions up, add to your mother’s pain, make life awkward, leave me in a financial hole, defraud, lie, cheat, fuck about, rack up debt, deceive yourself, destroy your kid’s stability, waste 2 years of ‘Bitch’s’ life, use and lead ‘Slutface’ and her family on, miss out on your daughter’s blossoming, make a fool of yourself, ruin the best thing you ever had… You also steal to save face and falsely impress!?

Why all of this?  Do you know why?  What did you get ou to fit at each stage? What were you aiming for? What weren’t you happy with? If you only wanted to sew your oats then talk about it with me… We could have had a chat, spiced it all up a bit, involved other people – there are solutions to any problem.  I don’t believe you stopped loving me or the kids…

YOU ARE A DICK!! He has never felt emotional pain in his life. Or if he has, that is what’s caused him to be like this.  All his actions would suggest he has no empathy.  I see everything practically. I am emotional on a different level.  His emotions are all about himself to the extreme. Mine’s are all about other people and what they think of me, do they like me, worried I’m possibly not good enough….

I am definitely finding my way back to wholeness. I am returning to my confident, funny, sassy, take no shit self.  What happened to me? I was pushing uphill with him all the time.  i never used to take any shit.  I gave him benefits of doubt  because i loved him.)  Because the sex was good. I thought that wasa love.  How silly!

There are two different connections. I know love and what it should  feel like. I know sex and what it can be like at its all consuming intense best.  To have the two together must be how real relationships feel like.  He conned me into participating in a false version of love.  He was still just a 17 year old boy acting out his fantasies of what life should be like.  I pulled him along behind me, thinking that this is what he wanted too wishing one day he would man up.  You do not cheat to that extent if you truly love someone. You do not use up their capacity, their future.

I still just often think ‘this is normal’ but it is not.  It’s fuckin’ insane.  Everyone must think me foolish or weak for not spotting the signs of an affair.   How did i know the depths he would go to? How did I know he lacked complete respect for me.  I can understand if someone had an affair behind their partner’s back.  I get that someone can be a ‘player’, that there are opportunities for adultery.  What he done was more, it was bigamy but using mine and his family’s and friends resources, money, time, effort, generosity, caring and helping natures. He just took and took and thought about himself all the time.  No wonder he has had a fukin’ stroke! Bastard!

How does one sustain that level of callousness and deceit? For over 2years? He resents me? I fuckin’ resent him.  Pathetic piece of shit! No courage, no moral fibre. .. Just playing at the game of life, hoping for the best and dragging so many people down with him.

Is it dangerous to blog about this? Will he rant and rage? What are my options?  Succumb and bow down? Or expose?  I’m not exposing him so he is punished by society.  I think him being punished enough through his physical and mental ailments. The emotional turmoil is too painful. My investment in him and our future as a family did not pay off because he swindled it all away. Lied, conned and cheated. Worse than a dodgy banker. It is fraud on so many levels.

Good luck Slutface taking this one on.  You have my blessing.  He is unstable.  Maybe him going away with you is the best thing after all.  I am so obsessed about keeping to the rules of amicable separation when in reality there is nothing effing amicable about any of this.  He tries to paint the picture that I done him wrong somehow but I never have.  I am getting accused of running a smear campaign, of posting nasty shit about him.  Would I be doing that if it was all above board… I have been commenting because I am angry just like he hid his comments and life from me on Facebook to make it look like he was single. Fanny!

To those of you who told me to tone it down on social media… I can’t! I have ramped it up even further by writing on this blog. I need to expel,  I need to make people understand it wasn’t me. I supported him through setting g up a business, through quitting his job. I am a fucking enabler to a cheating lying devious bastard.  It wasn’t me being pathetic. I was acting a part that I didn’t know he’d given me. Same with the other two women.   Given roles he expects us to fulfill thinking we had chosen wisely..

Everyone is being so lovely and all I have is suspicion and doubt,’what are they after?’ How do I move on? How do I trust again at face value without passing someone new off no one really understands the depth of betrayal. It is Hugs. I am doing my best thanks to friends and family but at the end of the day they are my kids and I have to hold it together whilst he runs off to Inverness.

Well done love of my life. You have succeeded in making everything across of shit and going against everything I thought we stood for as a couple.

Now you are feeling better. You will try to make me out to be awkward. I am angry. I am lashing out. You are the target. My love for you has gone. You are worthless to me. No niceties now will ever make a ends. I think he is so deranged it’s unsafe for him to be around the children –  even at his own admission.

Someone help. Show me what life as a couple really should be like….. X

Awareness

Read and read more. Educate yourself about your emotions and psychology. Unlock and open the door to self value. Fly. Be good to yourself – it’s called being selfish. Tune into the inner feelings. Listen to them. Take back control of your own thoughts and destiny.

I get their story.  I understand it complicity.  It just clicks.  Is this a rare quality or very unusual?  They don’t even have to vocalise it, I can sense it.  I can ‘see’ it.  Even if the details aren’t right I get the main components and how it filters down, how a past event makes people behave and think, why certain decisions or actions were taken and what that in turn led to.  It’s like a roadway but in snapshot form.  You tell me your issue, a bit of back story and BAM! I’ve got it, I understand why.  It’s too obvious.

I thought everyone could ‘see’ like this? Maybe they can. Some people take years to come to conclusions and have a recognition of their traits. It’s only taken me the best part of 40 years, off and on, to truly get to grips with who I am and how I see the world, why I see the world that way and to work out what parts of myself I should change, not just for my own benefit but for others too.  I know my failings and I know my strengths. I hope my strengths outweigh my failings in other people’s eyes but then they do not matter. I am now all about the self (but in a non-selfish way).  I can begin to be at peace with who I am.

I have never had anything physically traumatic happen to me apart from child-birth so maybe that is different; the loss of control, the taking over by an external force… Purely emotional traumas can be resolved, I believe.  If there is a background understanding about why you were called a bullied or treated a certain way, why expectations were put on you, or decision-making taken away from you.  I can see why certain emotions can be stunted due to someone else’s behaviour.  Hopefully once this realisation kicks in and one learns how to claim back ownership of their self and self-worth then one can move on.  Not easy but add it to your arsenal and proceed. Take it, knit with it and make your own self whole, add a new component, reinforce what you already have, build resilience.  You can do it!  Make your emotions and desires work for you.  Build yourself, no matter how long it takes.

I am not a counsellor so I cannot comment on how to best do this but please find your key.  Read and read more. Educate yourself about your emotions and psychology. Unlock and open the door to self value. Fly. Be good to yourself – it’s called being selfish. Tune into the inner feelings. Listen to them. Take back control of your own thoughts and destiny. Other people and their actions can shape us but they do not define us.

I didn’t know I was beautiful until I had it told to my face outright. He never told me. So thank you Mr S. for telling me so clearly.  It’s what I needed to hear and at completely the right time!  I’d always had to guess that I was and was always quite unsure. It wasn’t until I looked at pictures of my mother when she was younger and just married at 21  that I realised that she was a stunner in her day, so I must be a stunner too…  I never knew that.  I’d never felt that about myself before.  Why not?  I’d like certain parts of me but I’d never seen myself as a whole. I don’t look at other people and just focus on one part of their body at first meeting. I like the whole look. They are more than just crooked teeth or a piggy nose.  Why was I so critical of myself when no one else was? Where did the fear of myself come from? That I was not good enough? That no one but he would ever want me? I never used to think that but I put that down to youthful optimism. But when I look back at my teenage years, I had guys falling over themselves for me. I just thought that was because I was young and niave and they were taking advantage with my willing consent…  As soon as I met him I was devoted. I did not properly look at another man that way unless they were extraordinary.  I knew that for certain people I felt a glimmer of attraction to but I didn’t give it the recognition, ever, or allow it to take hold. I dampened it down. I didn’t know how to read my instincts.  I thought I was made, that he was devoted to me like I was to him. That I was enough for him, I didn’t need to look elsewhere, I had it right at home. Alas, he’s the one that looked elsewhere…

Why are all these men giving me the eye now?  Ah, it’s cause I am attractive. Wow! The power! Did I just not notice it previously? Was I closed off to it? Why are they messaging me? Why are they sending me dirty texts? Thanks also to Mr C. who awakened that part of me. The living, desiring, “Jesus, God, I fancy him” part of me… I could have him… Loving it! Thank you! I feel alive again! Lay it on a plate for me and awaken me. I realised the burning lust I could allow myself to feel for him. Not coz he was the first guy to show an interest or make a move but I since realised that for years there was something there (for me anyway) but I didn’t hear it.  I felt something inside but I had no reason to act on it. It wasn’t allowed, well it wasn’t – I was engaged to another.  I was in a committed relationship, why should I need to look elsewhere?  The fact he was so close to me, living his life, getting married. It never even fully occurred to me. We were in different orbits. But I felt something. And I didn’t even speak to him that often…It just popped into my head now and again.  I was in no position to allow myself to hear it. I didn’t tune my radio in. Now it’s tuned in and I have many stations playing!  I can now see who and why I feel a connection with. A zap! Who I fancy!

I feel so naive but I’m also proud that I have felt such deep love, that it lasted so long.  I can’t deny the unfolding of events. There is no going back on them. What I do next does not have to be rushed, but savoured, enjoyed, toyed with.  I mean no harm to anyone on my journey but if Mr C. wants to accompany me then I could be available!

I am slightly nervous of the reciprocation, especially after what I’ve been through.  How do I trust?  How do I give myself?  The answer is: I don’t.  I don’t need to do any of that. That’s what got me in trouble. I lost myself and who I was.  This is the secret…!  It sounds harsh but true. I now choose to do it for me.  Not in a selfish way.  I am still the kind and loving person that I was but I have needs which I am hopeful he could fulfill! It’s just there, it’s a bright, an illuminated spark. He was brave enough to ignite it. I hope he doesn’t step back as I know it could be so good.

Maybe that is all it is – an ignition point to set me off and get me going with life again.  To kick me up the arse and tell me to live again, and feel again, and put the past behind me. “Boot the grim of this world in the crotch dear…”  As long as the other party is willing to share in the experience with no expectations, completely and honestly and we know where it stands, then great. Bring it on! I am ready to reignite, to live, to enjoy, to soak it up! Fuck fear!

Remembrance Sunday

If your significant other is cagey with their phone do you get suspicious?

Do they let you use their phone? Do they let the kids play games on it? Google something? Let you browse their photos?

I would have let him have my phone to look through anytime, to read texts out loud to me as they came in (if I was driving), look up a number or address in my contacts, to take a photo. I had nothing to hide.

If they always have their phone on their person, always in their hand or in their pocket yet it never rings or beeps as it is on silent or vibrate. It’s never out their hand, always texting, take it to the bathroom, never leave it on worktop to charge, sleep with it under their pillow, if you awake during the night to you see the glow from the phone & you ask what they are up to and they say, “Oh, just reading an article…” and your hackles go up because you are not convinced. Do you think they are playing never ending Pokemon Go?  Does their behaviour alert you? Red-flags? Do you find yourself saying, “Put your phone down and play with your child.”

For once he left his phone lying on the pillow charging & had gone downstairs.  He slipped up. I bet he is so annoyed at himself.  All this time and not caught out? Or maybe he wanted to be caught? And I was too slow and not investigative enough for him – he’d left some clues but not enough for me to care.  Did he think I was as thick as mince?  No, I am very astute and I had other concerns going on at that point in life – like a new baby, tiredness, parenting two kids whilst he “worked” long hours.

Every detail I hold up to the light can be unpicked – everything had an ulterior motive.  I can see it plainly now (after the event) but not at the time, I was too busy surviving and coping with various issues, and thought he was supporting me/us and not stabbing me in the back. Maybe he thought I was too busy for him. That poor diddums didn’t get enough attention, maybe he felt left out, like this wasn’t the life he wanted.  It wasn’t panning out very well.  Maybe he hated being the father of a gorgeous little baby girl? Maybe it was too much hard work? He wanted to put himself first and give the impression he was a good guy, caring about his family, he was a hard worker, yet had to get a loan off me, he was a decent boyfriend but had to get them to pay for the holidays they went on.  Where has his money went? What has he been doing with it?  I think it went up his nose and down his gullet. Vices – I think he has many that are well hidden!  Maybe he felt under pressure to earn more and couldn’t or didn’t want to? In all honesty I think he was in the wrong job. It’s as if he is forcing himself to play a role that he is not entirely comfortable with.  Who is he copying now? Bitch? Slutface? Bitch is the crossover link between me and her, then slutface is the stepping stone to the next stage of his life.

Maybe he felt his own mortality by having another kids.  He was always the one telling me to look in the bright side, see the positive.  Maybe he saw the life he had with me and the kids as negative and he wanted to balance it out with a bit of selfish positivity.

Only he can give me answers.  We’ve known each other and been a couple for nearly 21 years and I don’t deserve and answers….? Only he can give them to me or do i just walk away and give up to. I don’t want to patch our relationship up I just want a few loose ends tied up but I don’t think he knows how to do that. If he can’t pay a tax bill online, he can’t talk to me about an issues that is depriving his kids of many,time spent with family, sending them to stay at their gran’s most weekend. It’s all a mirror of his life whereas I bring to the table a new mirror, I have to look after them completely – just like my mum did to me, She had no help apart from her mum. His mum was out doing her own thing and now he is out doing his own thing.

Maybe he hates me that much that he feels I do not deserve answers (that I should know what’s up with him) We’ve known each other 21 years and I don’t deserve any answers?? How weak and self centred is that.

How’s that for a warped way of viewing your partner.  We were engaged for fuck’s sake!  If you love someone and ask them to marry you and buy them a ring, then chances are pretty good that you think they love you and want to be with you.  Unless all that was just a con to keep me sweet too.

Let’s try this feeling out or let’s try this persona out. “Does she like me more if I am good or bad?”,  “How can I keep her attention?”,  “What does this person need to have like me or respect me?”, ” How can I make them like me more even though I despise everything they value? “What are my own opinions or do I just latch on to others life stories and make them my own. Twist and adapt to suit??

I have been here before with him.  He had cheated on me before about 12 years ago.  I found out by accident that time too.  I was in utter shock just like this time.  Expect the unexpected!  He gives them what they want to hear yet stealthily takes it away with the other hand or plays them whilst they are not looking.  Manipulate them so they become more insecure, so they are a pawn in your game.

I digress… I took the opportunity to look at his phone since it was just lying there unguarded for once. I hadn’t and had never felt the need to check up on him since around 2010.  After this first affair/ case of cheating I couldn’t help but check up on him , his phone and email.  Maybe he was waiting for me to relax about that before picking up where he left off several years ago.  ‘Now she is not suspicious I can start my exploitative and sneaky behaviour again. Get my thrills again.  Why not just tell me he wasn’t happy? Why put me through this trauma?

I still had to carry it through, face up, go to work, they still need clothes, time spent with them, food etc, they need their parents to be on their side… I’m not the one abandoning them, walking out their lives. You know there is no way back from this!