This is a letter I wrote on the 10th April, before I had moments of clarity and determination, (I was already having them but didn’t realise, I thought I was in panic mode and floundering but reading it back I realise I wasn’t.) My guts, strength and determination shine through.
“I realise everything seems to be a struggle for you. I am not sure you even know what your plans are.
I have tried to sort things amicably and it has turned sour for various reasons that we are all guilty of.
Again I feel I am left to sort this as you come across as if you are paralysed and struck with fear. You do not know where to turn and are relying on the unwieldy NHS mechanism to point you in the direction.
I cannot help you conquer your demons but I can clearly see what you need to do practically. I know you maybe do not want to hear this from me as you detest my supposed ‘superiority’ and controlling attitude. I beg to differ. My heart is always in the right place. I now know what kind of personality traits I have and I’m learning to work on them for the better. My future sanity depends on me doing this. I need to firm up inside as I am always worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, which makes me into a goody goody when really I have kick ass attitudes in parallel. I am a walking juxtaposition, as we all are. Multi faceted….
I feel like I can’t help but want to fix you and mother you which is I’m sure what slutface wants to do too but not what she thought she was signing up for. Do I proceed?
My clarity is not applicable to you. You cannot see what I can see. I am an empath. I do not know what you are. Only you can evaluate that.
Don’t play games with the doctors, truth and release of fear should hopefully set you free to soar and be the best you can be. Don’t let fear paralyse you.
I am open and worry about others. You appear selfish and only concerned with what benefits you without intentionally upsetting other people. (semi narcissistic? But you do upset them once they realise your lies) Sometimes you have to upset people for your own good. If they are emotionally attuned they will understand….
How would you like to proceed? I’d like separate mediation sessions. A routine for the kids. Time to myself. An evening off every now and again. Money for kids paid. You to contribute to mortgage and bills for your kids else sign house over to me. My name taken off that debt. The 6 grand paid back. Your friend needs paid back his 5 grand. He needs it for his kid too. I think he believes you have defrauded him, as do I. That could become a police or legal matter if he gets desperate.
How do we enable all this? What are your wants and priorities?
I can see a solution for us that involves compromise but I am reluctant to mention it as it makes me angry beyond belief.
I am traumatised by this too. I just have a different way of dealing with it. And to be honest apart from the practicalities I do not know how to proceed. Do I go and fuck it out me with some guy? Do I hide myself away? Do I disappear or relocate? The world is my oyster and I know not what direction to go in. I am tethered by my children. So should you be. Doesn’t stop us living but our priorities should still be them. The two innocents in all this. It is our duty to protect and nourish them, practically and emotionally. Yes I can do it myself as I’ve had no choice but they’d rather you were involved. You have a lot to offer them. You are a special person. You are ultimately kind and decent. You try your hardest. Make yourself proud. Don’t worry about other people. In doing it for yourself you open your kids up to the full potential of life. Don’t be negative. Fight the fear.
My love, always (in some new form now)
I am not to blame for this. I am processing and holding the broken pieces together. He cannot explain what he has done. He does not know himself well enough to come to terms with it all whereas I’ve been forced to confront and unravel for my own sanity and security.
This is the problem. This is why our relationship was never equal. This is why I done all the providing and giving and hard work when it came to the serious aspects of life. He nodded his head and played along but only so he didn’t have to do any of it himself.
He is a selfish, entitled, narcissist and I am an enabler, a soft touch because I loved him. He took my money, he took my love, he took my ideas, he took my credit, he utilised the best bits of life that I gave him to make it look like it was his life too. He was a passenger and I was the driver. Literally!
He lied to his bitches and some of his friends about being able to drive. He maintained pretence at all costs. He was never brave enough to vocalise his true feelings. He hid and so dug. A deep whole that is now filed with hatred, malice, upset, confusion, spite, anger, toxicity, denial, shame, sadness. It is a deep black hole. It must be awful to be in that hell. To realise what he has done.
I felt guilty for writing this blog but if I didn’t I would have gone under too. I am the exact opposite of him I talk, I open up, I resolve, I confront. I am not scared. People may hate me or think me crass or stupid but I don’t care. This is my life. He took control away from me. I thought we were on the same path but he was just riding my coat tails.
I loved him which is why I gave, why I encouraged, why I supported. My alarm bells did ring at times but I never doubted him as to this level of deceit and cunning.
I may have lost money, the kids may have lost their father but I still have my pride and dignity and a true heart. It is a tougher heart now complete with railings and padlocks but it still beats in time it still wants to experience the joy life has to offer. It will be unlocked by the right person I’m sure.
This link describes his character perfectly….
I take strength from this song. All Seeing I – The Beat Goes On I can dance to it. I can relate to it. All is not over. There will be better out there. I can feel it. I want it. He is not taking that away from me too!
He is not that clever. He is clever in an emotionally manipulative capacity. He is clever in respect of getting women to do what he needs. He is clever in that he can sit back and have no pressures whilst everyone else strives on and sees him ok. Hell even his own mother does not care for him, which may be the root of the issue. But you do not leave your child to fester… You kick them up the arse and you see them right. You drag them by the scruff for their own good. But then I wanted my children maybe they didn’t. Well I know they didn’t. They had no choice.
Another song from the past that I now see in a different light:
The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist
It was on Coldcut ‘Beats & Pieces’ CD. The first CD-ROM I ever got that was interactive. We sat, aged 18 and 19 watching it together in my room. Clicking on videos and buttons, amazed at what the future was offering in terms of technology, enmeshed in our love. (i then went on to study interactive graphic design and multimedia, which then led to my job in graphic design). Thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought he was the best thing too!
History is repeating itself. (which was another of my favourite songs from that same era.)
Propellerheads – ‘History Repeating’
Oh Lord, how things fall in to place. What pattern am I seeing in my life? What signs of synchronicity and clues that propel me in the right direction. I am loving every minute of this part of it all! Like I have guidance from above. My angel is out there!
I am being watched over. I am looking and now also seeing the horrors and deceit, the lies right in front of me. He has no remorse or conscience. Neither does Slutface. I need her help in this but wow, when this is over I will unleash. I feel the need to save her but in doing that will I sacrifice myself and my sanity? Why do I feel the urge to fix things, why can I not just hold my head up and walk away? Next up on my random YouTube playlist that is playing whilst I type this, is appropriately enough: Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Were Made for Walking
Followed by this: Nancy Sinatra – ‘Bang Bang’ Which I sent to Mr C the other week in a moment of madness that makes perfect sense now! I am riding this roller coaster and holding on for dear life. With the pain and nervousness comes pleasure. Life is good even though it is hard. x
Gosh, I have been busy tonight. And the motorbike is finally out of the garage!
He killed my love by yanking it out from the roots. It didn’t die naturally and get slowly pruned it was brutally uprooted and exposed. Died from harsh handling. The neglect was obvious but it was watered enough to keep it limping along, often flowered but had black spots. It could have been tended and nurtured back to full bloom but it wasn’t given a chance. It lacked the nutrients and quality of soil to ever give it its full potential. X
In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel […]
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