Laying It to Rest

I leave the light on hoping you’ll come home,
But you never will,
You can’t,
I’m all alone.

My heart was broken,
My soul’s in shreds,
You done this to me and you’re not quite dead.

I gave too much,
I had faith in love,
Yet your mask was welded tightly shut.

Greed and pain,
You never bared your whole face again.

I loved a shell,
A husk,
A fraud,
I gave you shape to lean upon.

I know my strengths,
I know my style,
I’ve learnt so much that it will be worthwhile.

My anger drowns me,
My sadness sinks,
I muster each day a new badge of life,
I’m glad you raped me to my core,
I’m grateful to find myself once more,

My pity will go over your head,
As your ego cannot be laid to rest.


The Only Rules I Need

I am posting a link to a site that I have just read. It validated me, my thoughts and my healing process. I am NOT abnormal – the situation my ex created is. I was NOT to blame – all his actions came from him and his selfish desires. He disrespected me and my children whilst I gave him too much respect and trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Here is the link to my current salvation!

For the Record

Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.

As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough..  And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…

I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!

So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)).  Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.

If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.

I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.

What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.

Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.

Silent Treatment

His silence says it all. He doesn’t care. Never has done. We are discarded like all his possessions have been. Left behind for someone else to clear up. Not his responsibility.


He does not reply to my messages, he does not call to see how his children are, he has only recently got his mail redirected (thank God but I still have a whole pile that I do not know what to do with). He thinks if he ignores me I will go away. Well, I will go away and take his children with me. He has made it quite clear they do not matter to him but even as I type this I hope and wish it is not true. For their sakes.

What kind of father abandons his children for some slag? What kind of father neglects to pay or contribute towards his child’s upkeep? A selfish, sadistic, uncaring one.

The irony is I am better off without him. He never provided for or supported me. I done all the work. The only thing that I think kept us together was sex! If that is all he puts onus on then wow! He is so shallow, vain and conceited.

He refused to have sex with me when I was pregnant, he refused to pick it up again when our daughter was abut 3 months old. He left me asking for sex on a regular basis and he refused me. Normally it is the woman who refuses. I felt hurt and saddened but he said he was always too tired…  Yes, tired of fucking about behind my back, tired of not even being in work. Lazy sod. He was getting it elsewhere with Bitch, he did not need me.

I think he feels hard done by. I had a baby that he never vocalised he’d rather not have had. I am harassing him /them (since they are a proper couple and have been living together since last November but now that they are ensconced in their love caravan they think that nothing can touch them.) How mistaken they are! I am out to destroy him apparently. Like he has not destroyed me or his kids.

It is all projection. What you say and how you say it, how you talk about people, your attitude, all says more about you as a person that it does about the poor soul you are slagging off and thinking you are so much better than. Projection!

Anyway here is a link to a blog I have been ‘enjoying’ reading. It’s scary. Mr Tudor could be talking about my ex!

Why Won’t He Answer by HG Tudor


Do I Send or Ignore?

Last night I was so angry I started writing an email to him. I cannot decided whether to send it or not.

The anger burns deep. Gone is the grief stricken, poor soul, crumbling woman. I never totally disintegrated, I am so much stronger than that but I felt shame, responsibility (laughable I know. This isn’t my doing), like I should be able to fix him. But wait. I don’t want to or need to fix him. He is not my ‘responsibility’ any more. I feel like a weight has been lifted. My perspective and viewpoint has changed.

I see him as a laughable, arrogant, conceited fraudster. He does not have the faith to follow through or admit liability. He says the words but underneath he is cursing me for catching him. It is turned round to be my fault. He has no respect for others or towards himself. He does not even respect the mother of his children enough to explain why he left.

I need to put myself first. Work out what my needs are. I hold all the power and he knows it. Even with my help and financial assistance he couldn’t pull it off,  so his life is probably just as messed up now that he has ‘escaped’.

I know he paints me as a psycho bitch who wants him destroyed but he has destroyed himself. I inadvertently gave. him the noose to hang himself by supporting him and encouraging him to make a go of this business venture. Even now, 7 months after it all went tits up,  I’ve still had to bail him out by paying off the £10k loan and I don’t even get a thank you. He knows I always paid the mortgage. That the house is really mine. It never was an equal partnership. Which is why after a bit of prodding and cajoling, trying to get him to see sense or even just respond, he has eventually signed the house over to me. All done via a lawyer I might add. No direct communication between us apart from facebook messenger nudges and sending annoying messages to slutface to get him to sign.  Oh the screenshots I could show you… I’ll maybe save that for another time.

Anyway, back to the point…  Do I am send him this in an email or not?

XXXXXX, just remember this… I loved you. 

This is going to be blunt. I won’t couch what I have to say in flowery or romantic terms. You know what you meant to me. 
You treated me with no respect or care. You have discarded me and your children with complete contempt.
You have used me to get money to fund a business that you were setting up with another woman yet lying to her too. And as if that wasn’t enough you lied to both of us and disappeared up your own arse with CXXX {‘slutface’}. 
There’s is no explanation.
It seems like utter contempt for everyone.
Lack of respect for us all, for your family, friends and wider.
What made you think you were so special that you could juggle 3 woman?
I’d much rather you had came to me and said you weren’t feeling it with me anymore. That would have been bearable.
To have been discarded twice over is a mind fuck.
I wasn’t good enough for you yet you were happy to live with me, allow me to pay for everything and take yet more money from me.
I didn’t mind because I loved you and when you love someone you support them and respect them and give them honesty, understanding, patience. It’s not just about sex. 
I nor your family or friends have any idea who you are anymore.
Like an old sage I am going to say – ‘you will look back and regret this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday.’
Remember, you have done this.
You were leading people down your merry, crazy paved path.
You suckered us all. 
XXXXX {slutface} is that gullible that she’ll lap it up and believe you else she is as twisted as you and will get her own revenge in her sweet way.
Maybe making you fall in love with her will be her payback. It’s hard to see the ‘craziness’ unless you step back from the situation. You are making g her fall in love with you by telling her what she needs to hear. You both make a good team. 
You had what everybody craves, a nice home, lovely children, a sexy and understanding fiancé, nice holidays, good family, my support in many ways.   But it’s not about any of that is it? 
You put yourself first and you know it.
I hope it works out for you but I have a feeling you are on loop, as you have shown.
Step off the madness or continue on? Only you can decide…
I think I may know the root cause of all this.
You do too but like your mother you are not brave enough to say. To come to terms.
It gets swept aside.
I speak the truth and you don’t like that. Not because you are a dishonest person, because you are scared. It is fear that has driven you for years. Not just you. Fear is at the heart of everything we do. How we think, what we do, how we interact with people. 
I am typing this but I don’t know whether to send it. What good will it do?  I can’t help you undo 30 odd years of hurt and shame. Suppression.
I understand but I cannot help you nor feel like helping you anymore.
You know I am not a bad person, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like this by anyone. 
You may not like me for my clarity but it is not resentment you bear towards me it is jealousy. It is from the inside. 
I wish you well. 

Berlin Syndrome

I had to choose last week about going to see a film that featured Stockholm as the background city or one that featured Berlin. I shyed away from the Berlin one because it is now tainted in my eyes. (He took both his slags there and we also went as a family. Every year since 2014 he has been to Berlin. it’s a bit of a theme.)

For years we had a poster on our bedroom wall that said BERLIN on it with a picture of a large woman sitting atop a building wearing boxing gloves, swatting aeroplanes away. Why is my life encapsulated in a poster that is now at the top of my stairs? Why is this speaking to me? Why was it siting there laughing at me like he was secretly laughing at me for being so stupid? For being able to conduct two affairs without me noticing? For conning me out of thousands of pounds without me noticing?

Why? Because he was a plausible, deceitful fuck! Because he lied and cheated and twisted his stories! Because he does not think like me just emulates what he thinks I need to hear. He was never proactive, he never organised or arranged things, he was always too busy or didn’t have the money, or it would be regretfully forgotten about, or he didn’t have time… Fakery at every turn..

And do you know what? I don’t think he done it intentionally, I just think he can’t help it. He is conditioned. It was in his culture. We are a product of our environment. He gave me all the clues I just didn’t know how to piece them together or what the picture I was trying to build actually was. He covered everything so well but when I look back on our relationship I can see all the red flags and errors of judgment, and me pacifying him because he turned on the waterworks or put a poor me act on…

We never used to fight and I hated that. I wanted a fight. I wanted to clear the air. I now think he was worried that if he lost control and showed his temper the truth would come spilling out. He has to be pushed to the edge for the truth to be released. I do not take any pleasure in forcing someones truth. I just don’t know any other way than that, in how to deal with life. I may be too open and honest but then at least people can make a judgement about me and that’s that. There is no seeking false approval. There is no neediness. I am strong and I can do this. He is weak and always has been. He needs a woman to fight his battles for him. I can no longer serve that purpose. I don’t fully understand why that stopped, why he felt he had to get off that ride? Because I showed weakness?  Because I developed anxiety? Because I was unhappy in our current house?

I’ll never know why because he is not emotionally astute enough to tell me. I think he is only driven by primal fear. He pretends to have emotional knowledge but he does not. He just puts on the face that he hopes his partner or friend wants to be shown. He is not authentic. He is stunted compared to me. And so be it. We cannot all be the same. We are not all made out of the same pattern. He’s taught me many a lesson. I hope I have taught him some but he will never admit it

No Need ?

We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is…

via The Treatment — Knowing the Narcissist