A letter to him

This is a letter I wrote on the 10th April, before I had moments of clarity and determination,  (I was already having them but didn’t realise, I thought I was in panic mode and floundering but reading it back I realise I wasn’t.) My guts, strength and determination shine through.

“I realise everything seems to be a struggle for you. I am not sure you even know what your plans are.
I have tried to sort things amicably and it has turned sour for various reasons that we are all guilty of.
Again I feel I am left to sort this as you come across as if you are paralysed and struck with fear. You do not know where to turn and are relying on the unwieldy NHS mechanism to point you in the direction.
I cannot help you conquer your demons but I can clearly see what you need to do practically. I know you maybe do not want to hear this from me as you detest my supposed ‘superiority’ and controlling attitude. I beg to differ. My heart is always in the right place. I now know what kind of personality traits I have and I’m learning to work on them for the better. My future sanity depends on me doing this. I need to firm up inside as I am always worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, which makes me into a goody goody when really I have kick ass attitudes in parallel. I am a walking juxtaposition, as we all are. Multi faceted….
I feel like I can’t help but want to fix you and mother you which is I’m sure what slutface wants to do too but not what she thought she was signing up for. Do I proceed?
My clarity is not applicable to you. You cannot see what I can see. I am an empath. I do not know what you are. Only you can evaluate that.
Don’t play games with the doctors, truth and release of fear should hopefully set you free to soar and be the best you can be. Don’t let fear paralyse you.
I am open and worry about others. You appear selfish and only concerned with what benefits you without intentionally upsetting other people. (semi narcissistic? But you do upset them once they realise your lies) Sometimes you have to upset people for your own good. If they are emotionally attuned they will understand….
How would you like to proceed? I’d like separate mediation sessions. A routine for the kids. Time to myself. An evening off every now and again. Money for kids paid. You to contribute to mortgage and bills for your kids else sign house over to me. My name taken off that debt. The 6 grand paid back. Your friend needs paid back his 5 grand. He needs it for his kid too. I think he believes you have defrauded him, as do I. That could become a police or legal matter if he gets desperate.
How do we enable all this? What are your wants and priorities?
I can see a solution for us that involves compromise but I am reluctant to mention it as it makes me angry beyond belief.
I am traumatised by this too. I just have a different way of dealing with it. And to be honest apart from the practicalities I do not know how to proceed. Do I go and fuck it out me with some guy? Do I hide myself away? Do I disappear or relocate? The world is my oyster and I know not what direction to go in. I am tethered by my children. So should you be. Doesn’t stop us living but our priorities should still be them. The two innocents in all this. It is our duty to protect and nourish them, practically and emotionally. Yes I can do it myself as I’ve had no choice but they’d rather you were involved. You have a lot to offer them. You are a special person. You are ultimately kind and decent. You try your hardest. Make yourself proud. Don’t worry about other people. In doing it for yourself you open your kids up to the full potential of life. Don’t be negative. Fight the fear.
My love, always (in some new form now)
x”

Psychology Nutshell

I am not to blame for this. I am processing and holding the broken pieces together. He cannot explain what he has done. He does not know himself well enough to come to terms with it all whereas I’ve been forced to confront and unravel for my own sanity and security.

This is the problem. This is why our relationship was never equal. This is why I done all the providing and giving and hard work when it came to the serious aspects of life. He nodded his head and played along but only so he didn’t have to do any of it himself.

He is a selfish, entitled, narcissist and I am an enabler, a soft touch because I loved him. He took my money, he took my love, he took my ideas, he took my credit, he utilised the best bits of life that I gave him to make it look like it was his life too. He was a passenger and I was the driver. Literally!

He lied to his bitches and some of his friends about being able to drive.  He maintained pretence at all costs. He was never brave enough to vocalise his true feelings. He hid and so dug. A deep whole that is now filed with hatred, malice, upset, confusion, spite, anger, toxicity, denial, shame, sadness. It is a deep black hole. It must be awful to be in that hell. To realise what he has done.

I felt guilty for writing this blog but if I didn’t I would have gone under too. I am the exact opposite of him I talk, I open up, I resolve, I confront. I am not scared. People may hate me or think me crass or stupid but I don’t care. This is my life. He took control away from me. I thought we were on the same path but he was just riding my coat tails.

I loved him which is why I gave, why I encouraged, why I supported. My alarm bells did ring at times but I never doubted him as to this level of deceit and cunning.

I may have lost money, the kids may have lost their father but I still have my pride and dignity and a true heart. It is a tougher heart now complete with railings and padlocks but it still beats in time it still wants to experience the joy life has to offer. It will be unlocked by the right person I’m sure.

This link describes his character perfectly….

http://mental-health-matters.com/how-to-raise-a-narcissist/

 

 

The All Seeing Eye

I take strength from this song. All Seeing I – The Beat Goes On  I can dance to it. I can relate to it. All is not over. There will be better out there. I can feel it. I want it. He is not taking that away from me too!

allseingeye

He is not that clever. He is clever in an emotionally manipulative capacity. He is clever in respect of getting women to do what he needs. He is clever in that he can sit back and have no pressures whilst everyone else strives on and sees him ok. Hell even his own mother does not care for him, which may be the root of the issue. But you do not leave your child to fester… You kick them up the arse and you see them right. You drag them by the scruff for their own good. But then I wanted my children maybe they didn’t. Well I know they didn’t. They had no choice.

Another song from the past that I now see in a different light:

The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist

It was on Coldcut ‘Beats & Pieces’ CD. The first CD-ROM I ever got that was interactive. We sat, aged 18 and 19 watching it together in my room. Clicking on videos and buttons, amazed at what the future was offering in terms of technology, enmeshed in our love. (i then went on to study interactive graphic design and multimedia, which then led to my job in graphic design). Thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought he was the best thing too!

History is repeating itself. (which was another of my favourite songs from that same era.)

Propellerheads – ‘History Repeating’

Oh Lord, how things fall in to place. What pattern am I seeing in my life? What signs of synchronicity and clues that propel me in the right direction. I am loving every minute of this part of it all! Like I have guidance from above. My angel is out there!

I am being watched over. I am looking and now also seeing the horrors and deceit, the lies right in front of me. He has no remorse or conscience. Neither does Slutface. I need her help in this but wow, when this is over I will unleash. I feel the need to save her but in doing that will I sacrifice myself and my sanity? Why do I feel the urge to fix things, why can I not just hold my head up and walk away? Next up on my random YouTube playlist that is playing whilst I type this, is appropriately enough: Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Were Made for Walking

Followed by this: Nancy Sinatra – ‘Bang Bang’  Which I sent to Mr C the other week in a moment of madness that makes perfect sense now! I am riding this roller coaster and holding on for dear life. With the pain and nervousness comes pleasure. Life is good even though it is hard. x

Gosh, I have been busy tonight. And the motorbike is finally out of the garage!

Simplify It

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

How can I put this simply so people understand? So I understand? What do I need to say in a nutshell so folk grasp the true absurdity, cowardice and selfishness of his actions (note to self: I think you are talking to yourself again…)

He started cheating on me when my daughter was 2 months old (else it had started way before this and it was only consummated then). He was seeing the lady who rented our old home off us, they used to work together. I didn’t know her. She tells me he persuaded her to move into our old flat. He brought her round to our home for me to meet her before we gave her the lease but really he was just flaunting her under my nose to see what he could get away with or if I suspected anything.

He said he would cater a friends wedding in Skye. He never mentioned she was going with him. I thought he was great doing this big job on his own. In reality he could never have catered it by himself. This was in June 2015.

I was off on maternity leave for 11 months. Right up until March 2016. In February 2016 he had sex with another colleague from a different and most recent place of employment. He was also still seeing lady number one.

In October 2015 he packed his job in and lady number 2, that he originally hired, took over from him. I think he only occasionally worked there and not full time like he said. He worked partly at another pub (so he tells me) but that could be lies too…

Around about February 2016 he came to me and told me he’d be keen to start his own business. He started to look at premises. He eventually found a place near by us. What he didn’t tell me was that this was all getting properly planned behind my back with lady number 1, whose idea it really was and he tagged along for the ride claiming it was his baby and his adventure, that he was doing it for our family and our kids future (that is probably what I wanted to hear so he told me it).

I thought it strange that he had no formal business plan, that there was no paper work but he said he didn’t work like that and it was all in his head. He’d go to meetings with the bank, trade fairs, but I wasn’t needed. He’d talk about décor ideas with me and menu ideas but all the while these were probably ideas he’d already discussed with her.

He then applied for a loan to help with the business start up costs. He was refused because of his credit rating. He’d never had any credit in his life so was an unknown risk. He asked, or I volunteered, to apply jointly with him for one and this time he got it. £12,000 – a years wage for him, but he also said he needed £6,000 to pay the lawyers fees and lease etc. I took £3,000 from my account and then another £3,000 was added to the mortgage. He was going to let me take it out our sons savings account but I could not get to the bank to withdraw it .

He also took £5,000 off a friend who was our ex neighbour, who lived under the flat that we rent out to woman number 1. He told me that it was a different friend who had given him this money. Maybe both of them gave him it…

This is all so warped and confusing….

I questioned him as to why the business was so expensive. That I didn’t think it was worth it. He explained it away by saying he’d have a lot of stock to buy and repairs to carry out before it could be opened. I left him to it because I trusted him and I was busy with a baby and suffering anxiety and postnatal problems (I wonder why?).

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

Most of the catering jobs he pretended to take were covers so he could go away on holiday with whichever one of them was free. We went to Berlin as a family back in 2014, before I got pregnant, He went with lady one to Berlin in October 2015 and again with lady two to Berlin in November 2016. His business was going to be a Berlin street food themed café. Lots of research needed then, eh?

He has also been to a wedding as her partner, in front of all her friends, he has met her parents, her mother has his artwork on her walls. Lady two has introduced him to her parents, she did not fully know about lady number one and thought she was just his ‘business partner’ and they’d had a brief fling together but it was nothing serious. And there is poor lady number one turning up at his work, where lady two also works and sitting with them having drinks whilst he knows he his shagging both of them behind the others backs and then also coming home to me and his kids!! What an ego! What an arrogant fucktard.

I found this all out by seeing a text message. I know men can be unfaithful and that takes deception but this is beyond even that. This is not giving a shit about anyone. Least of all his kids. This is thinking he is so clever that he can pull all this off and none of us would notice. Perhaps I didn’t notice for 18months but I had my suspicions but chose not to listen or when I did confront about certain things he’d have plausible reasons or else be so convincing I was calmed down. My gut told me the truth and I refused to listen. My pride about not wanting to upset the apple cart or criticise him for not earning enough because I didn’t want to hurt his pride nearly destroyed me emotionally. I thought we were set for life together. He made all the right noises. But actually he was a cheating bastard who had probably longed to sleep with many woman (or has) behind my back but didn’t want to leave me as he had it too easy. He could spend his wages on trainers and aeroplanes whilst I paid all the bills because I earned more than he did. He stayed home to look after the kids. He hates pressure so when I got ill during pregnancy he probably panicked thinking this was going to be on his shoulders. His reaction to that is to give up completely and bite the hand that feeds him.

simplify your life in wood type

We had it good and a fair balance that we were both happy with. We both worked part time, we both looked after kids but he wanted more. More women. Fair enough but be honest about it please, or at least have a conversation with me saying how you feel, that you are not happy, that the sex is boring, that you want something else… Don’t do what you think people want you to do or say because look at the shit one ends up in.

This is still too much to simplify. I’ll have to take a break for now. I’ll write more when I have the energy and it’s not 2 o’clock in the morning….

Auf wiedersehen.

Prostitution

Well, another piece clicked – “prostitute, I’m a male prostitute” – he prostitutes himself. He can switch off from the act, pretend he’s enjoying it but would really be rather going solo. I alwys thought it was because I wasn’t enough for him. Couldn’t sate him but he was obsessed. But most guys are obsessed so no real clue discovered there…

He prostituted himself to Bitch and she paid me the rent. She paid me to sleep with him. He placed her in a position where she was paying to spend time with him. It seemed to serve a practical purpose; she needed a place to live and ours was convenient, he manipulated or subtly coerced her into moving there for his own ends, she thought he had her best interests at heart and everyone wins. Nobody had won. We are all suffering and bumbling by.

He stopped sleeping with me. No wonder if he was getting it new someplace else. Then doubly so come the time him and Slutface got it together in February 2016. I possibly wasn’t as loving as much, considering we’d just had a baby – sex goes by the wayside when a new baby is in the house but he couldn’t face that. He probably done so long without it for 7 months during my pregnancy so felt entitled to go claim someone new… even though it was his choice not to sleep with me when I was pregnant and there was me gagging for it, saying it was an ideal time. This pregnancy had been horrendous, I was so ill, vomiting blood, sick 24 /7, dizzy constantly, faint, thyroid problems. I was loosing weight and I should have been blooming. I ws so ill and of work for 11 weeks. It was an awful experience and I’m so glad my first pregnancy hadn’t been like thatas I would never had ventured there again if I thought I’d have to feel like that again. It was a mess, I was a mess and he retreated. He withheld from me, just like he withheld a whole host of other topics.

I was tired, traumatised and on edge and he never felt like dong it or showed any inclination that he felt loving towards me at all. An occasional pat on the head but no big show of affections. Even when I think back. I offered myself to him that night on Remembrance Sunday and he turned me down. Yet more discards. He held the power in his twisted way. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t need me. I feel I played my hand too early giving him that letter I wrote – saying I could do it on my own, that I could bring up the kids without him, Yes he hid it but I bet that enraged him as it spoikled his plans. He is away month ahead but it will catch up with him. He will regret what he has lost but I can’t do anything about that now.

He would never have thought that me and Bitch might talk or that I’d track down what he’d been up to. I knew something was off when we went away for a weekend and during our adult time together he started role playing that he was a male prostitute. I played along, why not, but it felt to me like it was coming from a different place in his brain, like it was an augmented reality. Like he was testing me to see what he could get away with whilst also boasting at the same time. Slutface told me she had the same scenario with him too. That’s good, least he doesn’t vary his chat or technique too much. One size fits all so it would seem!

 

Uprooted

He killed my love by yanking it out from the roots. It didn’t die naturally and get slowly pruned it was brutally uprooted and exposed. Died from harsh handling. The neglect was obvious but it was watered enough to keep it limping along, often flowered but had black spots. It could have been tended and nurtured back to full bloom but it wasn’t given a chance. It lacked the nutrients and quality of soil to ever give it its full potential. X

Old Diary Extracts – Background

This post was first written in my diary on the 2nd February 2017. I’m only typing it now I have the courage and grit to come out the other side…

“I visited his old work today and was told a completely different story about how he’d left. How he was very angry, controlling, how he used to walk out during a shift, go awol. He told me they were bullies and he couldn’t stick it anymore – after saying they were lovely people and he’d been round at dinner at theirs, they’d helped us move house, he said he really liked them.  He’d be in tears crying at night because he couldn’t face going in to work. I don’t think he could handle the pressure or the responsibilities. It was too much so he walked. He walked out after some stupid incident regarding a Facebook review to do with chicken.  He cut his employers off, they now tell me he wouldn’t answer their calls or emails but he was then telling me he hadn’t been paid and he’d get round to sorting it. I said that was ridiculous and they were legally obliged to pay him. I drafted a letter for him demanding his pay. He said he sent it. He probably didn’t as I’m not sure he ever did get paid.

This all seems insane to write about but it is very pertinent. It shows aspects of his character that he’d manged to keep hidden from me or else explain away, saying he was upset or something bad had happened to him. Fair enough, bad things happen to lots of us and we ask others for support. I never thought anything of it. I always wanted to help him. I loved him. That’s what you do when you love someone. Listen to them and try help them

When we were walking home today we went down the usual footpath beside the station. My daughter said Slutface’s name! A regular thing then with daddy telling his daughter, “oh, we’re going to meet ***** today”? What the hell?!  She’s not even 22 months old and she can say a few words. But to say ******.  That’s some doing. That’s a regular thing! How dare he!

Today I also took my daughter to the doctors as for the past 5-6 weeks she has been wincing and protesting whenever I change her nappy, clean her or wipe her winky or fasten her vest poppers. It flashed through my mind that she may have been interfered with…. Main suspect being him! It would explain his behaviour recently and his decline into self destruct and punishing himself. Guilt emerging from every pore. Pleading illness to get out of whatever he is in. Is he being blackmailed? By bitch? By the guy selling the business to him? What’s going on?

Bearing in mind I wrote this months ago I still feel there is something not quite right about all this and his behaviour. He is happy to let other take the reigns and get them to jump through hoops that they don’t even need to jump through just because he utters something we take it at face value. He is reeling us in. He is trying to get away with something. I know not what. Nor do I much care anymore but if he has dared touch my daughter I will destroy him! It would make sense. He was ploughing ahead when we first split. Thinking he was cock of the north, he’d moved out on 26th November but was lying about where he was living, he’d turn up to look after my daughter so I could go to work, I felt uncomfortable about how easily it all slotted in to place, how he was taking it in his stride but on the 12th January 2017 all that changed.

His mother was looking after my daughter. I’m sure she let him in or took her to see him. Was he left alone with our daughter whilst his mum went out? The next day he had his fit. Couldn’t speak, was hallucinating. Was he broken? Suffering post traumatic stress, had he recreated something that had happened to him when younger. What was his game? Or is he just broken because he realises what he’s lost. What he had thrown away. Did he want to punish me via her for messing up his plans. Did he think if he punishes my daughter he is punishing me? Or was it a sick thrill for him knowing he could do that. I am not saying he has. I do not know but my suspicions were roused due to my daughters sudden change in behaviour at bath time – not wanting to go in the bath, holding on to me, crying desperately like it was a trauma to go in the bath. What had happened, she used to love a bath. Would try climb stairs as fast as she could to ge to the bath. What happened?

I raised my concern to the doctor eventually after both my mum and his mum said similar things. My mum had noticed her granddaughters behaviour when she was staying with them -, she did not want to go in bath. My mother in law also said something red-flaggy when I mentioned about my daughters problem and thought she may have an infection, or thrush. She said – oh, if you take her to the doctors you know what they’d think, they’ll think the worse and suspect abuse.”  Now, why would a gran say that??  where’s her focus lying. Her granddaughters agony and solving the issue or passing the blame  and ‘do not go there’ as you might uncover something heinous… Lordy!

In the end I voiced my concerns to the doctor. I wanted it logged. I do not trust him an inch. It has since cleared up, or she recovered, and felt better and now fully enjoys a bath and splashing in the water. Fastening poppers are not a chore anymore. He has only seen his daughter twice since the 12th of January. It is now the 7th of May. Both times he was with someone else or me and both times were short visits.  I spoke to the health visitor for nearly two hours that day. I told her the whole sorry tale that has still to be truly unravelled on here. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. This bit is the worst I think. It rocked me to the core to think that I could suspect the man I love, my kids father, my lover and best friend of 21 years of anything so awful. He’s lied about everything else. Why not this? How will I ever know the truth on that one and why when I sent him an email detailing a few issues and I added this as gently as I could, why did he not stop and rage and refute my accusation. If someone accused me of something so awful that I hadn’t done i’d have them up against the wall demanding to be set straight. He never said a thing. Guilt by silence. Perhaps?