Title? What do you call this??

What do you call it if you were raped in every other way apart from physically?
If you were taken from? Coerced by someone you loved? Future faked? Emotionally abused? Lied to for years about small and big things? Financially depleted by them? Taken from? Soul raped? Belief in love destroyed by them? Having to fight through the pain and anger everyday? Catching glimpses of ‘normality’ cause your soul has been so ruined by their heinous acts? Having to protect your children from their various forms of abuse? Now living in a bubble because you are traumatised that your partners ‘love’ for you and their family could turn so sour and you never had a clue? How his charade was upheld until the end? How he now blames me for finding him out? Eternal victim that he is. How I have to be the strong one and bear every responsibility there is in life whilst he swans about pretending. His lack of character has been truly unearthed. I am glad I eventually ‘escaped’ and seen the light. I was not stupid. I am not stupid or gullible he was just a fantastic liar and convincer.

I had known him all my adult life yet knew nothing of his buried soul. I will not let his pretences and victim-hood ruin my future or my kids’ futures. It’s taking me every bit of strength but I am getting there.

What do you call it if you have to go to counselling to counteract someone’s treatment of you? He can’t ever love his kids properly because he doesn’t know what it should feel like. Sex is different to love. He thinks sex is love. It’s not. Too feel the depth of it is a joy. I will not close my heart because of him. I will not allow him to steal my future because of his selfishness and lack of communication on every level.
Staying strong.

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Twisted Logic

When you know you are going to be accused of being the baddy yet have to close down because the other party can’t be trusted or relied on to deliver, promote their child’s best interests or even just physically be there for them. History does repeat itself in so many ways.

Well, I have had no real time to blog because I’ve been busy looking after my 2 children. Having a 12 year old and a 3 year old is constant. It never stops. I love them dearly but gees, there is always something needing done, or assisted with, or mopped up or changed, or fixed, or squabbles sorted, demands met, meals cooked, shopping done, school stuff looked after, nursery drop offs, entertainment arranged, cleaning, chores, more shopping, going to work, trying to meet friends and do activities… I put them first all the time. My eldest gives me a long lie at the weekend by taking his sister down for breakfast. Going to work is the only break I get. I am the resentful one now….  I hate that their father has put me in this position of being constantly exhausted. It’s getting better but in some aspects it’s getting worse.

As well as doing the usual parenting, working, I am also trying to fit in counselling, new hobbies for my own sanity, and I’m testing the water with dating (which is farcical). I now have so many issues of trust i look at every guy like I’m sizing them up for mental and emotional battle. I can’t relax. I have to test them. I’m suspicious. I wonder what they are after, apart from sex… Why would anyone want me? (and I write this sarcastically!) I was abhorrent, obviously a shit wife, unattractive, a control freak, he resented me, never wanted another child, didn’t want to move house but he tells me all this after the event. Trying to justify his callous behaviour, betrayal and lies. Yes, I was just so awful, which is why you stayed with me and used my money and lived under my roof. For being a selfish pig he didn’t come out with much from all this apart from a skanky girlfriend who believes his lies and wants to be with a man who doesn’t even know how to love his own flesh and blood or put them first in life, or want to do better for them. He is stunted emotionally and is not life smart. He never foresaw the consequences of juggling 3 lives and being left with the weakest, youngest and most naive woman who can overlook being cheated on and lied to.

So, my son has been chatting to his father online, on the phone I bought him, on the data plan I pay for. Father promised his son a phone and contract before he fled but as usual that didn’t materialise. So, now I see I am being triangulated with my own son. “if your mother allows you to see me”, like I have been the baddy in this!

I want to make clear that I was in ignorance. I was happy. I thought we were committed and together as a loving family. I thought we were both on the same page. I only thought that because he led me to believe that. He agreed with what I wanted but all the while secretly sneering at me and really wanting the opposite.

Please believe nothing he says. He is not logical. Him and his mother say one thing to look good then bad mouth people behind their backs. I’ve seen it all first hand. It’s insane.

I can’t decide whether to cut my sons online use. Do I deny him access to messaging his dad? It feels like a few messages and a present is just lip service. That in no way reimburses the pain, heartaches, confusion… I have never seen my son cry so heartbreakingly because I wouldn’t be able to go to the post office to collect a parcel from his deadbeat father…. I had to relent, the pain was too great to watch. I told him if it was a jumper he wouldn’t be crying so much. He was fully primed to expect it. Told what was in the parcel and when it would be coming. He hid it from me yet kept asking when the postman was coming each day…. He only told me when it meant he might not receive the parcel. His dad encouraging him to go to the post office on his own and ask the woman. My son was sensible enough to ask me if this would be OK because he knows I’d be worried if he was wandering to the post office after school and I didn’t know.

This situation is all too big to compute sometimes. I try to keep things stable for the kids but they don’t have the life they deserve – 2 supportive parents who have their best interests at heart. I am responsible for everything and I mean everything. So nothing has changed since he left. It’s ironic actually. I am better off in so many ways. Apart from having lost £18k that I’m slowly clawing back. This can never be rectified. It’d be same difference if he was dead except I wouldn’t be getting any child support each month. The emotional upheaval would be exactly the same as if he had died.

I feel like I will never shut up about this. As much as I said initially that this will not define me it has certainly reshaped me and for that I am glad. I like who I am. I am proud of myself. I can hold my head high. And even though some may pity me and think ‘poor woman, how could she not know her husband was having two affairs and went abroad behind her back’, the reason I didn’t know, but my gut suspected something wasn’t right, was because he was a self confessed accomplished liar who was expert at manipulation and covert lies even if they were of no value or significance. The fact he could get one over on someone and feel more important and think them the fool says everything. He had no respect for anyone, including himself because he is damaged. He has never communicated truthfully and will tell one person one thing and someone another. He weaved a tangled and messy web that actually ate him all up. He doesn’t love himself so he can’t even love his own children. Freud would have a field day!

Bon nuit

Laying It to Rest

I leave the light on hoping you’ll come home,
But you never will,
You can’t,
I’m all alone.

My heart was broken,
My soul’s in shreds,
You done this to me and you’re not quite dead.

I gave too much,
I had faith in love,
Yet your mask was welded tightly shut.

Facade,
Bravado,
Greed and pain,
You never bared your whole face again.

I loved a shell,
A husk,
A fraud,
I gave you shape to lean upon.

I know my strengths,
I know my style,
I’ve learnt so much that it will be worthwhile.

My anger drowns me,
My sadness sinks,
I muster each day a new badge of life,
I’m glad you raped me to my core,
I’m grateful to find myself once more,

My pity will go over your head,
As your ego cannot be laid to rest.

Praying versus Preying

Oh  lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up.  He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.

I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!

But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!

I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.

I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know.  There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.

I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive…  Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !

My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….

Nothing…

No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

No Contact

I have been trying to uphold no contact. I do not wish to see, speak or hear from him. Yet I have so much I want to hurl at him. He hurts me and his children yet spends his free time in the pub and going trips, taking no responsibility for his children at all. He is pathetic…

I hear he has been working more hours so I’ve contacted the csa to increase his payments. I am sick of paying for everything.  (I paid for his life for the 17 years that we lived together. I used to get frustrated that he would never contribute to bills. It irritated me a lot but he was a good and attentive father back then so I let it slide). I prided myself on earning enough part time to support us all. I now realise he has no pride or self respect. He is out for himself and must’ve always had been. I would never tolerate that from anyone else so why him?

I was happy, so maybe I have to accept that, I could never have predicted how it would end as he lied so much. I had no chance.

I truly hate him and his actions – he has turned me into a crumpled, non sleeping mess, that I never was before. I am stronger and more confident now but I have so much resentment it chokes me and boils over frequently.

I hear she is taking him to Warsaw for his 40th birthday. Let’s see what chaos happens whilst they are away…. I have a plan! I was thinking to ruin him like he has mentally ruined me. It is taking me all my guts and determination to keep going. To the point I neglect other chores in life to allow me to mentally process my accession.

I have joined two dating websites and the comments of how stunning I am, gorgeous, hot, so pretty are words and phrases I have never heard before. Least not from him! I am amazed It has given me a boost that I sorely needed. Last look 1,422 guys wanted to meet me. That’s 1 a day for the next 4 years nearly!! It’s ridiculous. (Else they are desperate.) I never realised I was desirable before… I thought he was the catch but he is fucking nothing! I would not piss on him if he was on fire! I am liking the attention a little too much then I get frustrated when I can’t go on a date because I have to take care of the kids all the time…

Oh and for more closure – I’ve deleted all his family and friends off Facebook. What’s the point? I’m not really friends with them, just had to tolerate most of them because they came with him. He doesn’t honour them so why should I?  (I do really like a couple of them and it is nothing personal towards them but I honsetly can’t face having any connections with his family. It is too painful. Maybe in time once I am less fragile but it is social media – it doesn’t ultimately matter – [eople arin your life becuae you want them to be, beccause they matter to you…) His mum talks about them all like she is so much better…. I don’t think so. I don’t think any of her sisters sons have done anything remotely like this in their lives…? They all provide for and cherish their children.

I hope it will be worth all the chaos and fallout. This is not my doing.  This is not my responsibility. I’ll do what suits me. He has discarded his kids and nothing he can say or say or do from now on in will make that up.

I’m off to do Santa presents on my own cause he doesn’t give a shit about his children!

Idiots

I am pushed to the limit each day. All I want to do is hide. I am calmer emotionally but events still grate.

The latest is slutface replying to an email (I eventually had to include her in the chain knowing this would get me a response). If I can embarrass him in front of her to get what I want then I will. In my original email I suggested that I’d have no hesitation in visiting the hotel, with the kids in order to sort what is required. I meant this as a threat, to cause a scene. To inform her parents. To get him to sign. To shame him. To put the boot in. To release my anger. Not as a friendly gesture or for the kids benefit.  Do these idiots have no concept?

She now replies saying that might be a good idea as he misses them terribly. Well, if he misses them terribly then do something about it. Why not drive down to see them? But he can’t drive…  But he told everyone else he could…! He tries to make it sound as if I am denying him access when he has never even requested a visit or to see them since Easter. I am not laying it on a plate. I am not responsible for his actions. He said he would put kids first and he hasn’t. He’s put himself first throughout. He’s made everyone’s life a misery to match his. Well no longer. He can fuck right off. I am no pleading with him to be involved with his own children. That should come naturally. You do not treat your own kids like disposable pawns. You do not think it a good idea to bring your kids to visit your ex who lives in a caravan in strangers back garden with a woman who has no morals or concept of emotional maturity, decency or respect. Go for it lady but you’ve chosen an idiot.

He was my idiot but you can have him. He is no value to me now. He wrung me out emotionally and financially. Hell, even physically, as I was exhausted bearing the load for everything. It was not a partnership it was parent and child. I am an idiot! I deserve more. My kids deserve more.

He lacks in every angle. No money, no morals, no sense, no compassion, no shame. Take, take, take all his life and I didn’t help because I gave and gave. That is love.