When you know you are going to be accused of being the baddy yet have to close down because the other party can’t be trusted or relied on to deliver, promote their child’s best interests or even just physically be there for them. History does repeat itself in so many ways.
Well, I have had no real time to blog because I’ve been busy looking after my 2 children. Having a 12 year old and a 3 year old is constant. It never stops. I love them dearly but gees, there is always something needing done, or assisted with, or mopped up or changed, or fixed, or squabbles sorted, demands met, meals cooked, shopping done, school stuff looked after, nursery drop offs, entertainment arranged, cleaning, chores, more shopping, going to work, trying to meet friends and do activities… I put them first all the time. My eldest gives me a long lie at the weekend by taking his sister down for breakfast. Going to work is the only break I get. I am the resentful one now…. I hate that their father has put me in this position of being constantly exhausted. It’s getting better but in some aspects it’s getting worse.
As well as doing the usual parenting, working, I am also trying to fit in counselling, new hobbies for my own sanity, and I’m testing the water with dating (which is farcical). I now have so many issues of trust i look at every guy like I’m sizing them up for mental and emotional battle. I can’t relax. I have to test them. I’m suspicious. I wonder what they are after, apart from sex… Why would anyone want me? (and I write this sarcastically!) I was abhorrent, obviously a shit wife, unattractive, a control freak, he resented me, never wanted another child, didn’t want to move house but he tells me all this after the event. Trying to justify his callous behaviour, betrayal and lies. Yes, I was just so awful, which is why you stayed with me and used my money and lived under my roof. For being a selfish pig he didn’t come out with much from all this apart from a skanky girlfriend who believes his lies and wants to be with a man who doesn’t even know how to love his own flesh and blood or put them first in life, or want to do better for them. He is stunted emotionally and is not life smart. He never foresaw the consequences of juggling 3 lives and being left with the weakest, youngest and most naive woman who can overlook being cheated on and lied to.
So, my son has been chatting to his father online, on the phone I bought him, on the data plan I pay for. Father promised his son a phone and contract before he fled but as usual that didn’t materialise. So, now I see I am being triangulated with my own son. “if your mother allows you to see me”, like I have been the baddy in this!
I want to make clear that I was in ignorance. I was happy. I thought we were committed and together as a loving family. I thought we were both on the same page. I only thought that because he led me to believe that. He agreed with what I wanted but all the while secretly sneering at me and really wanting the opposite.
Please believe nothing he says. He is not logical. Him and his mother say one thing to look good then bad mouth people behind their backs. I’ve seen it all first hand. It’s insane.
I can’t decide whether to cut my sons online use. Do I deny him access to messaging his dad? It feels like a few messages and a present is just lip service. That in no way reimburses the pain, heartaches, confusion… I have never seen my son cry so heartbreakingly because I wouldn’t be able to go to the post office to collect a parcel from his deadbeat father…. I had to relent, the pain was too great to watch. I told him if it was a jumper he wouldn’t be crying so much. He was fully primed to expect it. Told what was in the parcel and when it would be coming. He hid it from me yet kept asking when the postman was coming each day…. He only told me when it meant he might not receive the parcel. His dad encouraging him to go to the post office on his own and ask the woman. My son was sensible enough to ask me if this would be OK because he knows I’d be worried if he was wandering to the post office after school and I didn’t know.
This situation is all too big to compute sometimes. I try to keep things stable for the kids but they don’t have the life they deserve – 2 supportive parents who have their best interests at heart. I am responsible for everything and I mean everything. So nothing has changed since he left. It’s ironic actually. I am better off in so many ways. Apart from having lost £18k that I’m slowly clawing back. This can never be rectified. It’d be same difference if he was dead except I wouldn’t be getting any child support each month. The emotional upheaval would be exactly the same as if he had died.
I feel like I will never shut up about this. As much as I said initially that this will not define me it has certainly reshaped me and for that I am glad. I like who I am. I am proud of myself. I can hold my head high. And even though some may pity me and think ‘poor woman, how could she not know her husband was having two affairs and went abroad behind her back’, the reason I didn’t know, but my gut suspected something wasn’t right, was because he was a self confessed accomplished liar who was expert at manipulation and covert lies even if they were of no value or significance. The fact he could get one over on someone and feel more important and think them the fool says everything. He had no respect for anyone, including himself because he is damaged. He has never communicated truthfully and will tell one person one thing and someone another. He weaved a tangled and messy web that actually ate him all up. He doesn’t love himself so he can’t even love his own children. Freud would have a field day!