Title? What do you call this??

What do you call it if you were raped in every other way apart from physically?
If you were taken from? Coerced by someone you loved? Future faked? Emotionally abused? Lied to for years about small and big things? Financially depleted by them? Taken from? Soul raped? Belief in love destroyed by them? Having to fight through the pain and anger everyday? Catching glimpses of ‘normality’ cause your soul has been so ruined by their heinous acts? Having to protect your children from their various forms of abuse? Now living in a bubble because you are traumatised that your partners ‘love’ for you and their family could turn so sour and you never had a clue? How his charade was upheld until the end? How he now blames me for finding him out? Eternal victim that he is. How I have to be the strong one and bear every responsibility there is in life whilst he swans about pretending. His lack of character has been truly unearthed. I am glad I eventually ‘escaped’ and seen the light. I was not stupid. I am not stupid or gullible he was just a fantastic liar and convincer.

I had known him all my adult life yet knew nothing of his buried soul. I will not let his pretences and victim-hood ruin my future or my kids’ futures. It’s taking me every bit of strength but I am getting there.

What do you call it if you have to go to counselling to counteract someone’s treatment of you? He can’t ever love his kids properly because he doesn’t know what it should feel like. Sex is different to love. He thinks sex is love. It’s not. Too feel the depth of it is a joy. I will not close my heart because of him. I will not allow him to steal my future because of his selfishness and lack of communication on every level.
Staying strong.

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Laying It to Rest

I leave the light on hoping you’ll come home,
But you never will,
You can’t,
I’m all alone.

My heart was broken,
My soul’s in shreds,
You done this to me and you’re not quite dead.

I gave too much,
I had faith in love,
Yet your mask was welded tightly shut.

Facade,
Bravado,
Greed and pain,
You never bared your whole face again.

I loved a shell,
A husk,
A fraud,
I gave you shape to lean upon.

I know my strengths,
I know my style,
I’ve learnt so much that it will be worthwhile.

My anger drowns me,
My sadness sinks,
I muster each day a new badge of life,
I’m glad you raped me to my core,
I’m grateful to find myself once more,

My pity will go over your head,
As your ego cannot be laid to rest.

Praying versus Preying

Oh  lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up.  He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.

I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!

But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!

I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.

I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know.  There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.

I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive…  Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !

My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….

Nothing…

No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

Where Now?

Well, I have not written in a while…. I’ve had no time or energy to. Life as a single mum of two kids is in full swing. I had to be signed off work for a while as it was all just too much. Stress, work, school holidays, lawyers, banks, family issues, lack of communication from Mr Arsehole… They all took their toll. They are still taking their toll but I am now at a possible 85% contentment/getting my shit sorted ratio!  I still cry everyday but it is not as overwhelming. We are 10 months since D-day.

Whenever I have a weak moment and feel the pangs of love for him kick in I try to remember all he has done. I think I am addicted to the feeling of him, the space he has left, the hole in my heart that I just want to patch and triage to stop it bleeding anymore… But it needs major surgery. It needs pulled out, disconnected and jumped started!

I am still appalled by the disrespect shown. It may be disrespectful to plaster my business over the Internet, to out his deeds on Facebook, to write this blog but remember… I am doing this anonymously. I am now writing about my life and my issues. I own this story. He handed it to me on a plate. I didn’t even know I was a character in his twisted plot line until I uncovered it for myself. The character traits, back story, location and plot lines he gave me and told the other women about me were pure fabrication so why shouldn’t I now write the truth? Why shouldn’t I clear my mind of the shit he has dumped in it?

Speaking of dumping shit: this week I delivered all the left over catering equipment back to Bitch (cheetoh number one!) It had been in the garage all this time –  nearly two years and I wanted rid. Every time I looked at it it reminded me of the deceit! The plotting and planning. Them sleeping together whilst supposedly working. Him not telling me she was going with him/helping him. It must have been going on longer than I thought, they’d worked together for years previous… And then he flaunts her under my nose, moves her into my old home… Well who’s laughing now. She can have the fucking bowls and serving dishes complete with spider shit and slugs!

Least her business is doing well… Did I tell you she took it on herself (in partnership with another woman) for that I admire her. It was all her idea in the first place he just tagged along and made out to me he was the ideas man and so successful, using my fucking money!

So whenever I have a lapse moment. A for the sake of the kids, should I take him back moment, I go over in my head all the things he has done, all the chances he took and the decisions he made that should have signalled to him to stop. To not forge ahead as the only outcome was going to be a shit fest at some point. My whole life is a shit fest now… 😉 His certainly is. I hear he doesn’t even have a bathroom in the shitty caravan he is living in at the bottom of slutface’s parents garden in the back of beyond.

Let’s list the crap he has done just to solidify and express the utter contempt he must have felt for me and his family:

Cheated on me, his partner of 21 years, with our tenant. So was shagging her in our old family home!

Went abroad with Bitch (tenant) without, obviously telling me or kids. Tells us and rest of family he was away working.

I gave him £6k to buy a cafe with Bitch!

I co-signed a joint loan for £12k for ‘business start up costs’. More like paying off his debts, booking flights and hotels, drinking money, drug money, buying his slags’ gifts, making up for the wages he wasn’t earning….

Was shagging slutface in his work and after work, persuaded her to move closer to us, to our town… Aye, to make it more convenient for him to walk in a triangle from one shag pad to another.

I thought he was “different”. He used to pride himself and reassure me how he wasn’t interested in younger women, with their stupid make up, mad eyebrows  and long hair… He’s now shacked up with ‘little miss 12 years his junior’!

He played the family man card, and was a fuckin’ scout leader! Yet he jeopardised all that to put his dick in a bit of strange! Bravo! “Think of the children!”

Lied to his mates about having a ‘catering truck’.

Lied to his mates and colleagues and slags that he could drive.

Lied about his father and family “origins”. Lied about the supposed death of his father… This is a biggie to me. He couldn’t trust me with his own truth. It runs deep this one. I would have empathised and understood. My compassion is great but he never ‘trusted’ me….

Lied to his kids about where he is staying. Hasn’t said anything to them about where or why he has moved 100 miles away. Leaving all of that up to me to explain. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to fuckin’ do. But I ain’t covering his arse for him in that respect. Fine line.

Took £5k of a mate for starting business.

Took £5k off another mate.

Stole my unworn  Dr marten boots to give to slutface for Christmas. Pathetic! The warped mind…. She is walking in my shoes! Well come be a mother to my children too then!! This act speaks volumes in so many ways! One of the most hurtful in fact. His gift to me repatriated for his next victim! Despicable!

Never paid rent or bills in his life!

Has abandoned and discarded his children. Not seen them properly since January.

Abandoned all his possessions ie left them here.

Also went abroad with 2nd slag, slutface, to same destination he went to with first, and with us as a family.

Went on a jolly to Manchester with slutface telling his family he was working a music festival.

Didn’t earn any decent money for over a year. Too busy shagging part time.

Buying the same items for this home as he did for the business, as he did for Bitch, as he did for slutface and continues to do so.

Told folk I had left him, was living with my parents and he was a single dad.

Had each slut round in my house whilst I was at work and my children slept upstairs.

Took my baby to meet with these other women whilst I was at work.

Allowed the 1st slag to stay over whilst I was away with my eldest child. Apparently the three of them slept together (like a family) on the fold down bed downstairs…. What the hell!!

He lied when at the initial week of confronting him about cheating with number 1,i asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me… I knew about 2nd slag but didn’t tell him. “No nothing. It’s just Bitch. I fell in love with her. It started….”  Wrong date he gave me…

 

Is this enough of a list. Enough of a betrayal? Enough to make me realise he doesn’t deserve me and never did. I dragged his sorry ass along behind me for years. He was just their for the ride.

 

It was a good ride. He paid me off in sex! That’s all it comes down to. Dick. Hole. Switch off any real emotions.

Wow! That was cathartic. Now to hit publish!

Goodnight x

I’d like to thank chumplady.com for gilding my balls in how to approach this level of fucked-uppery! Brilliant website!

www.chumplady.com

 

 

 

 

The Only Rules I Need

I am posting a link to a site that I have just read. It validated me, my thoughts and my healing process. I am NOT abnormal – the situation my ex created is. I was NOT to blame – all his actions came from him and his selfish desires. He disrespected me and my children whilst I gave him too much respect and trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Here is the link to my current salvation!

http://tcat.tc/2oO5HGL

For the Record

Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.

As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough..  And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…

I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!

So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)).  Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.

If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.

I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.

What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.

Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.