Praying versus Preying

Oh  lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up.  He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.

I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!

But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!

I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.

I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know.  There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.

I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive…  Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !

My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….



No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

Where Now?

Well, I have not written in a while…. I’ve had no time or energy to. Life as a single mum of two kids is in full swing. I had to be signed off work for a while as it was all just too much. Stress, work, school holidays, lawyers, banks, family issues, lack of communication from Mr Arsehole… They all took their toll. They are still taking their toll but I am now at a possible 85% contentment/getting my shit sorted ratio!  I still cry everyday but it is not as overwhelming. We are 10 months since D-day.

Whenever I have a weak moment and feel the pangs of love for him kick in I try to remember all he has done. I think I am addicted to the feeling of him, the space he has left, the hole in my heart that I just want to patch and triage to stop it bleeding anymore… But it needs major surgery. It needs pulled out, disconnected and jumped started!

I am still appalled by the disrespect shown. It may be disrespectful to plaster my business over the Internet, to out his deeds on Facebook, to write this blog but remember… I am doing this anonymously. I am now writing about my life and my issues. I own this story. He handed it to me on a plate. I didn’t even know I was a character in his twisted plot line until I uncovered it for myself. The character traits, back story, location and plot lines he gave me and told the other women about me were pure fabrication so why shouldn’t I now write the truth? Why shouldn’t I clear my mind of the shit he has dumped in it?

Speaking of dumping shit: this week I delivered all the left over catering equipment back to Bitch (cheetoh number one!) It had been in the garage all this time –  nearly two years and I wanted rid. Every time I looked at it it reminded me of the deceit! The plotting and planning. Them sleeping together whilst supposedly working. Him not telling me she was going with him/helping him. It must have been going on longer than I thought, they’d worked together for years previous… And then he flaunts her under my nose, moves her into my old home… Well who’s laughing now. She can have the fucking bowls and serving dishes complete with spider shit and slugs!

Least her business is doing well… Did I tell you she took it on herself (in partnership with another woman) for that I admire her. It was all her idea in the first place he just tagged along and made out to me he was the ideas man and so successful, using my fucking money!

So whenever I have a lapse moment. A for the sake of the kids, should I take him back moment, I go over in my head all the things he has done, all the chances he took and the decisions he made that should have signalled to him to stop. To not forge ahead as the only outcome was going to be a shit fest at some point. My whole life is a shit fest now… 😉 His certainly is. I hear he doesn’t even have a bathroom in the shitty caravan he is living in at the bottom of slutface’s parents garden in the back of beyond.

Let’s list the crap he has done just to solidify and express the utter contempt he must have felt for me and his family:

Cheated on me, his partner of 21 years, with our tenant. So was shagging her in our old family home!

Went abroad with Bitch (tenant) without, obviously telling me or kids. Tells us and rest of family he was away working.

I gave him £6k to buy a cafe with Bitch!

I co-signed a joint loan for £12k for ‘business start up costs’. More like paying off his debts, booking flights and hotels, drinking money, drug money, buying his slags’ gifts, making up for the wages he wasn’t earning….

Was shagging slutface in his work and after work, persuaded her to move closer to us, to our town… Aye, to make it more convenient for him to walk in a triangle from one shag pad to another.

I thought he was “different”. He used to pride himself and reassure me how he wasn’t interested in younger women, with their stupid make up, mad eyebrows  and long hair… He’s now shacked up with ‘little miss 12 years his junior’!

He played the family man card, and was a fuckin’ scout leader! Yet he jeopardised all that to put his dick in a bit of strange! Bravo! “Think of the children!”

Lied to his mates about having a ‘catering truck’.

Lied to his mates and colleagues and slags that he could drive.

Lied about his father and family “origins”. Lied about the supposed death of his father… This is a biggie to me. He couldn’t trust me with his own truth. It runs deep this one. I would have empathised and understood. My compassion is great but he never ‘trusted’ me….

Lied to his kids about where he is staying. Hasn’t said anything to them about where or why he has moved 100 miles away. Leaving all of that up to me to explain. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to fuckin’ do. But I ain’t covering his arse for him in that respect. Fine line.

Took £5k of a mate for starting business.

Took £5k off another mate.

Stole my unworn  Dr marten boots to give to slutface for Christmas. Pathetic! The warped mind…. She is walking in my shoes! Well come be a mother to my children too then!! This act speaks volumes in so many ways! One of the most hurtful in fact. His gift to me repatriated for his next victim! Despicable!

Never paid rent or bills in his life!

Has abandoned and discarded his children. Not seen them properly since January.

Abandoned all his possessions ie left them here.

Also went abroad with 2nd slag, slutface, to same destination he went to with first, and with us as a family.

Went on a jolly to Manchester with slutface telling his family he was working a music festival.

Didn’t earn any decent money for over a year. Too busy shagging part time.

Buying the same items for this home as he did for the business, as he did for Bitch, as he did for slutface and continues to do so.

Told folk I had left him, was living with my parents and he was a single dad.

Had each slut round in my house whilst I was at work and my children slept upstairs.

Took my baby to meet with these other women whilst I was at work.

Allowed the 1st slag to stay over whilst I was away with my eldest child. Apparently the three of them slept together (like a family) on the fold down bed downstairs…. What the hell!!

He lied when at the initial week of confronting him about cheating with number 1,i asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me… I knew about 2nd slag but didn’t tell him. “No nothing. It’s just Bitch. I fell in love with her. It started….”  Wrong date he gave me…


Is this enough of a list. Enough of a betrayal? Enough to make me realise he doesn’t deserve me and never did. I dragged his sorry ass along behind me for years. He was just their for the ride.


It was a good ride. He paid me off in sex! That’s all it comes down to. Dick. Hole. Switch off any real emotions.

Wow! That was cathartic. Now to hit publish!

Goodnight x

I’d like to thank for gilding my balls in how to approach this level of fucked-uppery! Brilliant website!





The Only Rules I Need

I am posting a link to a site that I have just read. It validated me, my thoughts and my healing process. I am NOT abnormal – the situation my ex created is. I was NOT to blame – all his actions came from him and his selfish desires. He disrespected me and my children whilst I gave him too much respect and trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Here is the link to my current salvation!

For the Record

Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.

As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough..  And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…

I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!

So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)).  Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.

If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.

I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.

What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.

Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.

Cool Hand Luke

“What we have here is–failure to communicate.”

I sent him a letter back in November 2016 when it all kicked off. I didn’t think I was thinking clearly then but I obviously was as I could definitely write the same letter today. My opinion hasn’t changed.

The only thing that has changed after me wrtiting this waw finding out about his second affair with slutface. At this point I was only concerned about bitch. I Hadn’t uncovered the true complexities of his tangled web.

I had to dig it out and reread it 7 months after the whole explosion. I still do not get real answers. I am painted as the bad one, the maniuplative one, the crazy, “poisonous” ex. I know more than he thinks I do and I always have. The more I know the less I understand as none of it makes sense to me.

The main thing I will never forgive is the ease with which he carried it all out. No sweat. The slickness. The unrelenting lies, the level of deciet. I know I am going over old ground yet there are loads of incidents I haven’t written about yet. Way too many…

How do I forgive? Do  forgive? I am less raw, that is a good thing. I feel like myself again. The one sad thing he does not seem to realise is that he is still in the fire. Everyday it gets stoked. He is scared to be by himself it seems. He does not know who he is. He has not lived alone, he has not discovered himself and never will whilst he is living in the dire situation he is. I think he thought he could follow a repeat of what he put us through before. Slink off then return once I’d calmed down. I will never calm down from this ( I know I will – I have already but that is only thanks to other people). Not him. He has never truely held my hand, had my bakc, had the kids back, he has never been my rock. I have been his anchor, his sail, his wind.

We were at two opposites ends of the same relationship. Meeting in the middle only happened rarely. Here are my past words that echo on:

I am a mess but I will be okay. I will manage our children OK. I will be strong for them. Your actions have made me feel every emotion possible. I feel stupid, used, ignorant. I believed in us. I believed in our family unit. This is not who I am, these feelings will pass. I can’t believe you didn’t hold fast, explain before now, deal with your issues in other ways, talk to me, not her. If you were confiding in her then I feel I must have been the problem, our children the problem. You knew you were wrong all along. You knew I hinted at the problem – seeing her.  But I was decent and couldn’t stamp my feet and demand you don’t see your friend /ex colleague /tenant Bitch.
Yet another name that will haunt me. You corrupted our future. The plans was to have a tenant to make our lives easier, their rent pay our mortgage, use our old flat to provide a future forX. What future is ahead for him now? You fucked our tenant hence you fucked up our family’s future…
It’s not as you said it was is it? Or did you still tell her I had moved out 2 months after having Y? I bought your explanation that we had drifted apart, I had moved out for a bit and you didn’t know when I was coming back but you must have had sex with her before we went to Aberfeldy. True?
Then delayed for a few weeks before it happened again in August? I looked back on old texts you sent me. Late in work, impromptu stag do’s, pint with R, walking home. Yes most of the time you were telling me truths of where you were but the odd times were mixed in there too. Camouflaged.
Your actions disgust me. I am appalled. This letter is in no particular order so forgive me if I jump about all over the place.
I remember dropping your mum off at her flat one time and me and her were talking about your relationship with Bitch. How you’d ran to her aid a few times (around the time of the M thing). She asked me if I thought there was anything going on. I said no. She said that you needed to watch yourself and put your family first.
I can recall numerous conversations between you and me where I let it be known I didn’t trust you, you were always late home, working too many days, going to pub and I didn’t get to go out – just stuck at home going mad until you decide to come in. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but something niggled at me concerning your actions and behaviour. I thought you were fed up of me complaining about breastfeeding, going mad with the hum noise and I stupidly gave you that space and didn’t demand too much of you.
Hell, I’ve never demanded too much of you. Perhaps when we were doing up the house you felt you couldn’t live up to my expectations of what a guy is supposed to be able to do, DIY wise. But I loved you for trying and knew you were out your comfort zone but was proud you were trying, were sticking at it for your family. I thought it may give you pride to achieve this for your family. Not resent it.
You have never expressed any desire to shoulder any of the financial burden of running a home, paying bills, organising insurance, sorting out council tax, utilities, insurances. I bet you don’t even know who our gas or electric supplier is.  If I died you’d be in shit, it would collapse around you and the kids. You never ask if we are OK with payments or what needs looking at. I am sick of holding it all together whilst you get the life of freedom and absolved responsibility because I take care of all that side if things. What side of things do you take care of? Your own pleasure? Your money is your own to do with what you please save of buying shopping and things for kids. Yes you contribute in other ways – cooking, domestic chores, child rearing for that I do appreciate you and think you are a fantastic dad.
You know how traumatic carrying Y was, making it through the pregnancy. Me being so ill was horrendous on everyone in family. I needed and received your support then. You assisted me through that. After she was born it was hell too. Yes, there were moments of loveliness but I always felt I was faking it. Like it was just a game and I should be playing the role of a mother but I didn’t know the script or the lines, it all felt awkward, clunky and confusing. I was in too deep. I regretted my decision to alter our lives so dramatically…. I was going to baby massage, I broke down in front of health visitor, I wasn’t me, this life didn’t fit me yet I had planned for it. No going back. My expectations did not match reality hence depression/ anxiety kicked in.
But you andBitch had already started by then. Y arriving is not the true catalyst in this is it? Your selfishness is. You putting your needs before trying to hold your family together. Maybe you resented me for changing your life but you didn’t even give Y a chance. 8 weeks old and you chose to spend free time with Bitch with the added bonus that you managed to get into her pants.
It must have been 7 or 8months before we had sex again. But you never wanted to. Were always reluctant to or “too tired”. I thought you were scared of getting me pregnant again. I also remember it popping into my head that if you are seeing someone else or “getting it elsewhere”, you didn’t want to sleep with me because then it would be like you were cheating on them (Bitch). Which I think is a bit true now. If you are not sleeping with both of us at the same time then you are not mixing it up and you can legally tell her that we do not have sex anymore. The signs were there for me but I patted them down and just thought you didn’t fancy me anymore, I was too plump, too mumsy, nor alluring, too knackered. But I felt your distance. Switched off from sex? You, who loves fucking? I thought you were just relying on watching porn to satiate you. Which still hurt me but at least I was used to knowing that about you.
Then I found your Ashley Madison account but in a way knew you had been a sucker as it was a semi hoax site to get money off men. I asked and you denied ever meeting up with anyone or having an affair but all the time you were. “Anyone else I should know about?”.  That was the time you stormed out and I felt I had hit a nerve as I had never ever seen a reaction like that from you. You didn’t do what any innocent party would have done –  you didn’t reassure me or say I was being daft, that you’d never cheat on me, you went completely opposite and flipped. I filed that away and hoped you were just annoyed at me for reading your emails.
Then you got a new phone. New email address that you never gave me. Always secretive and possessive with your phone. Had it on you 24/7, slept with it under your pillow. Never left it lying about like a relaxed person would. I again thought it was just porn being hidden but another small alarm bell went off. You were always looking at your phone to the point it annoyed me. You couldn’t interact with our children without it being in your hand. I kept quiet.
I desire to see the texts, messages, emails between you andBitch. I think it would help me understand. Yes I am sure there are some conversations I would balk at for their utter lies and fabrication but I am sure there would be others that would explain your course of actions, your neediness, your desire, your requirement for freedom, autonomy, how you painted a picture of your life.
I was truly hurt you could not confide in me over the death of your father. What a huge thing to deal with and not mention. I cannot know how this feels. Your situation is unique. Your dream of him coming calling, making amends, gone. What an awful hurt to bear on your own. Why tell her 4 years later and not me at all? I cannot fathom your thought process in dealing with his death. I know it was a large topic of conversation or a bonding point between you andBitch but it was 4 years ago why use that to get close to someone. I feel you used it to your advantage because she asked me to tell her about “poor dead daddy dearest”, “the Jewish father”, in such a cruel way that I obviously had no idea what she was talking about. And how you went to his funeral as far as I remember her saying, or maybe it was me that asked that – it’s slightly blurry as you can surely imagine. Talking to a women who’s involved with the love of my life, telling me things about you that I don’t know, telling me my story as conveyed to her, which is a pack of lies. How galling to hear the truth from her yet it sounds like you strung her along too.  I hope you are still reading this and not closed it in disgust. I wish you would write me like this so I can get a fucking clue as to who you really are. I know you used the same lines and jokes on her that we shared. Your “sex doll face” being just one of the examples I happened to see. It’s like you morphed parts if your real life into your fake fantasy life to give it a semblance of reality and tangiblity to what was familiar to you. You can’t hide all of yourself from someone. But it hurt to see our shared things become yours and hers things too. I nearly puked when I read the “I love you”s between you both. My world collapsed into some unravelling spiral, with no solidity under my feet. Grasping at the air, holding on to nothing. But it hit me, I knew it was all true, that there’d be nothing you could say to make me think it was a mistake, that I’d taken it out of context. The amount of texts between you both when you were away in Iceland and before staggered me. Me, X, we got a few cursory lines she got gushing miss yous and can’t waits.
Fuck you! You are despicable! I hate you yet cannot turn my back on you for you are part of me. You are my limb. I am nothing without you in my life. I cannot fathom this, I am drowned.
There’s worse I tell myself, we can get through this I tell myself yet it has already gone. It is just the habit and your shape in my mattress that shows you did belong.
You cannot get angry at me for wanting the details, you cannot get angry at me for reminding you of your duplicity. It must have been special for it to have been going on so long. Mad, passionate lust I can understand, thinking with your dick I can understand but knowing you, you have blurred the lines and tried to keep it as friends yet seen an opportunity at the same time to do something you have always burned to do – fuck someone else apart from me. If you had came to me and said, B, I am unhappy that I will never know what it is like to be with another, to know the feel of another woman’s body, too feel the inside of another cunt, to have my mouth around breasts that aren’t yours I would have taken you seriously. I knew you could not go your whole life with just me, you needed to see for yourself, we could have worked something out.  Yes a bit unconventional but honest. You would then understand and know, well from my point of view, there is no fuck that counts more than the ones you can have with that deep connection. I thought we had that deep connection. Your touch still spins me, tingles me, my desire for you whilst not at full burn is always there simmering. The heat can be turned right up should the occasion allow and you know that when we have it good it is really fucking good. I sort of knew you had been with someone else as your technique changed. Trying to reach my gspot was an unusual, new act for you. You never licked me out anymore, which you used to love? Tell me about your connection with her, was it animalistic, purely functional? Missionary? I know she sucked your cock, did you tongue her cunt, throw her on her front, take her from behind? Did she swallow? Did she dress up for you? What the hell did you have that could replace me?
We are each other and perhaps we have both drifted without realising? Perhaps this is our chance to reconnect? That will take honesty perseverance, openbook, tantrums, anger, weeping, rebuilding stronger. Is it worth that effort? Forget the kids. Is it worth it for us? Can we improve or get better than we have ever had it at our past pinnacles? I honestly do not know my answer to this. It is too early on in the raw process. I do know at the moment I cannot stand to look at you, you look pathetic. I want to reach out to you because you are my boy but there is a wall there now. A wall of disgust and anger I do not know how to get over.
Perhaps we have served our purpose together? We have made two beautiful children. Perhaps that is our legacy only? Is it now time to enter someone else’s live’s? Is it time to concentrate on yourself? Discover a greater you? Maybe I can rediscover myself? I am so stuck it stinks. Same job, same friends, same partner. Everything is long term with me. Perhaps I need to shake it up a bit. Maybe this is what we both need?
We may split yet come back together. Yet what I do not want you to do is run off with her. Okay, I do not “know” her but she is not right for you, you were not honest with her so she has fallen for the crafted version of you, not the true you, she would not like the true you if she was in my position. You put her in a ghastly place. I could understand if she knew she was the other woman and played the bit on the side role to perfection, callous, cruel, uncaring  towards your kids, just wanting you and you alone but I don’t believe she is all that else you wouldn’t have fallen for her. There are so many twists in this it is impossible to pick apart.
The ball is in your court. I asked you to leave as I cannot stand seeing you. When I look at you I relive the pain. When I think of our daughter I relive the pain. During her short life you have already been unkind to her. Yes I was right to say “what would your gran make of this?” Your daughter’s namesake. I thought you were proud of and loved your gran. I allowed you to pass her memory on through our daughters name. Now I feel like I am stuck with a child whose name was all about you and your life all the while you couldn’t be bothered in doing the decent thing  for her. What a mess…
What if your mum knew your dad died, what if that spurred her into splitting with shuggie? Life’s too short analogy kicked in? What if he was the love of her life that turned sour because he fucked about after she had given birth to you? Do you know their story or just think you do? Be brave and ask your mum. She will not be surprised at you asking.
One thing this whole thing has done for me is make me less scared. I can open my mouth now and not be timid about what comes out, I feel wise and this experience will make me wiser, I can help others with their problems, I can vocalise my true opinions. It has made me feel alive again. Like a teenager with all the emotions swirling round again. I need to find a new Morrissey though as he doesn’t work for me anymore, try as I might. I am beyond what his lyrics can get me through. It is not angst for the desire of future love or making sense of strange emotions. I know my emotions too well now to be surprised the only trouble I have is navigating the path into old age and rearing children and who sings about that? We are not rioting against unrequited love, yearning for one we cannot have, we now understand the complexities of life, they are not as smooth as leather and never were. We are not virgins waiting to be swept up. We have so much baggage we cannot be swept, it holds us down, yet gives us comfort that we had everything we needed in those bags but require a clear out!
Is this enough for you to understand me in all of this? Some of what I have written may read harshly, blunt and cruel. These are words, not actions. My actions towards you have never been deceitful. I have been truly honest with you throughout our years together. Apart from that one kiss I have now confessed to. (I used to see him around work and avoid him like the plague. I could have pursued it, he would have had me but I had no wish to dilute us or end what we had together). I shall leave you with a poem that breaks my heart and hopefully conveys my feelings of my love for you, X and Y.
Love Me xxxx


The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction

the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches
the body,
in thought
a miracle,
in imagination
till born
in human–
looks out of the heart
burning with purity–
for the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.

No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams
of love–
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels
or machines,
the final wish
is love
–cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold
if denied:

the weight is too heavy

–must give
for no return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.

The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye–

yes, yes,
that’s what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.

Allen Ginsberg


Silent Treatment

His silence says it all. He doesn’t care. Never has done. We are discarded like all his possessions have been. Left behind for someone else to clear up. Not his responsibility.


He does not reply to my messages, he does not call to see how his children are, he has only recently got his mail redirected (thank God but I still have a whole pile that I do not know what to do with). He thinks if he ignores me I will go away. Well, I will go away and take his children with me. He has made it quite clear they do not matter to him but even as I type this I hope and wish it is not true. For their sakes.

What kind of father abandons his children for some slag? What kind of father neglects to pay or contribute towards his child’s upkeep? A selfish, sadistic, uncaring one.

The irony is I am better off without him. He never provided for or supported me. I done all the work. The only thing that I think kept us together was sex! If that is all he puts onus on then wow! He is so shallow, vain and conceited.

He refused to have sex with me when I was pregnant, he refused to pick it up again when our daughter was abut 3 months old. He left me asking for sex on a regular basis and he refused me. Normally it is the woman who refuses. I felt hurt and saddened but he said he was always too tired…  Yes, tired of fucking about behind my back, tired of not even being in work. Lazy sod. He was getting it elsewhere with Bitch, he did not need me.

I think he feels hard done by. I had a baby that he never vocalised he’d rather not have had. I am harassing him /them (since they are a proper couple and have been living together since last November but now that they are ensconced in their love caravan they think that nothing can touch them.) How mistaken they are! I am out to destroy him apparently. Like he has not destroyed me or his kids.

It is all projection. What you say and how you say it, how you talk about people, your attitude, all says more about you as a person that it does about the poor soul you are slagging off and thinking you are so much better than. Projection!

Anyway here is a link to a blog I have been ‘enjoying’ reading. It’s scary. Mr Tudor could be talking about my ex!

Why Won’t He Answer by HG Tudor