Praying versus Preying

Oh  lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up.  He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.

I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!

But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!

I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.

I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know.  There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.

I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive…  Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !

My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….



No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

No Contact

I have been trying to uphold no contact. I do not wish to see, speak or hear from him. Yet I have so much I want to hurl at him. He hurts me and his children yet spends his free time in the pub and going trips, taking no responsibility for his children at all. He is pathetic…

I hear he has been working more hours so I’ve contacted the csa to increase his payments. I am sick of paying for everything.  (I paid for his life for the 17 years that we lived together. I used to get frustrated that he would never contribute to bills. It irritated me a lot but he was a good and attentive father back then so I let it slide). I prided myself on earning enough part time to support us all. I now realise he has no pride or self respect. He is out for himself and must’ve always had been. I would never tolerate that from anyone else so why him?

I was happy, so maybe I have to accept that, I could never have predicted how it would end as he lied so much. I had no chance.

I truly hate him and his actions – he has turned me into a crumpled, non sleeping mess, that I never was before. I am stronger and more confident now but I have so much resentment it chokes me and boils over frequently.

I hear she is taking him to Warsaw for his 40th birthday. Let’s see what chaos happens whilst they are away…. I have a plan! I was thinking to ruin him like he has mentally ruined me. It is taking me all my guts and determination to keep going. To the point I neglect other chores in life to allow me to mentally process my accession.

I have joined two dating websites and the comments of how stunning I am, gorgeous, hot, so pretty are words and phrases I have never heard before. Least not from him! I am amazed It has given me a boost that I sorely needed. Last look 1,422 guys wanted to meet me. That’s 1 a day for the next 4 years nearly!! It’s ridiculous. (Else they are desperate.) I never realised I was desirable before… I thought he was the catch but he is fucking nothing! I would not piss on him if he was on fire! I am liking the attention a little too much then I get frustrated when I can’t go on a date because I have to take care of the kids all the time…

Oh and for more closure – I’ve deleted all his family and friends off Facebook. What’s the point? I’m not really friends with them, just had to tolerate most of them because they came with him. He doesn’t honour them so why should I?  (I do really like a couple of them and it is nothing personal towards them but I honsetly can’t face having any connections with his family. It is too painful. Maybe in time once I am less fragile but it is social media – it doesn’t ultimately matter – [eople arin your life becuae you want them to be, beccause they matter to you…) His mum talks about them all like she is so much better…. I don’t think so. I don’t think any of her sisters sons have done anything remotely like this in their lives…? They all provide for and cherish their children.

I hope it will be worth all the chaos and fallout. This is not my doing.  This is not my responsibility. I’ll do what suits me. He has discarded his kids and nothing he can say or say or do from now on in will make that up.

I’m off to do Santa presents on my own cause he doesn’t give a shit about his children!

The Sun Also Rises

Forgive me. I have not written in a while. I wanted to but I had no energy. By the time I’d thought about and processed my usual thoughts regarding this turmoil, then for the words to leave my fingers and get to this page was all a step too far.

I have came a long way. I am still angry and saddened but I have spark again. I can see a new future. It is shining bright but it is a glint that catches my eye every now and again it’s not a full beam. The people who have got me through may not even realise the enormity of a short chat, a brief text exchange or a knowing look can have. Maybe I read too much into things lol!  But I am learning to go with the flow. Not be so anxious. There is no perfection. We are all tarnished. But it’s the bumps that make you beautiful. A straight line is not exciting.

To be honest I don’t even want to document the latest stages of the saga. How he still will not communicate, how he is not just away for the summer but is moving in to a chalet and buying couches (the same fucking couch we have in our house!) . I still do not think her family knows the carnage he left behind. Well do you know, fucking good luck with that. Build your new life on shaky pegs and it will not hold. It may look solid but I hope it never feels it. I hope slutface is constantly vigilant, on edge and worried she is just a port in a storm. They may prove me wrong and get married and have kids but honestly…. If you have to steal to provide for one family and actually steal from the woman who loves you and gave you that family to do so then it is futile. You are in a vortex that will implode. And it did. Big style. The shrapnel is still flying nearly a year later.

See, the more I type the more of a mess I get into going over it. Trying to understand. It is a logic and way of thinking and conducting oneself that is incomprehensible to me. His brain must be wired differently or at the very least short circuit-ed….

I have so much to offload that I feel like buying a traditional typewriter and hammering the keys, ‘Murder She Wrote’  style. Maybe I could do a Hemingway? Ideally I’d like to be a recluse but I have the kids to think about and I’d miss their fun and smiles. So no, you can’t have everything in this world and if you let greed rule you it will kill you.!

A quote courtesy of Chump

I have just read this in the comments section of today’s chump post. I feel this sums up my exs behaviour completely. Jaw dropped. Total nutshell.

“The problem is sexual acting out disorders are not just sexual behaviors (Minwalla, O., 2012), but are also abusive conduct patterns and complex pathologic systems, which often include elaborate deceptive compartmentalized sexual-relational realities and systems of abusive covert management (Jason, S., 2008; Minwalla, O., 2011; Minwalla, O., 2012). These are patterns of methodical planning over time, careful construction of manipulation of others and cognitive schemas well maintained in order to keep a compartmentalized reality protected from discovery (Jason, S., 2008). It takes pre-planning to sexually-act out in many instances, sometimes requiring days of strategizing against the integrity of vital relational stability and family infrastructure required for health. In fact, maintaining a compartmentalized sexual or relational reality within a family system and relational intimate life takes profound energy to orchestrate and maintain, requiring careful and skilled methodology. This is not simply impulsive or compulsive sexual behavior.

A disorder of chronic lying in a family system is pathology and requires treatment, regardless of sexual acting out or not. Chronic patterns of establishing and maintaining a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational system in an intimate relationship or family system, is pathology and harmful, which is more accurate in description then simply “compulsive pornography use”. The process of gaslighting an intimate partner (Jason, S., 2008), the process of intentional psychological manipulation of victim’s reality (Jason, S., 2008) or any human being over time is a form of emotional and psychological abuse and torture, eroding and damaging the victim’s survival instincts and intuition (Minwalla, O., 2011), regardless of sexual behaviors (Jason, S., 2008). Clearly, there exist many symptoms of pathology, beyond the single symptom of “lack of control of specific sexual behaviors” or “compulsivity”.”

The Only Rules I Need

I am posting a link to a site that I have just read. It validated me, my thoughts and my healing process. I am NOT abnormal – the situation my ex created is. I was NOT to blame – all his actions came from him and his selfish desires. He disrespected me and my children whilst I gave him too much respect and trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Here is the link to my current salvation!

For the Record

Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.

As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough..  And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…

I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!

So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)).  Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.

If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.

I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.

What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.

Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.