A letter to him

This is a letter I wrote on the 10th April, before I had moments of clarity and determination,  (I was already having them but didn’t realise, I thought I was in panic mode and floundering but reading it back I realise I wasn’t.) My guts, strength and determination shine through.

“I realise everything seems to be a struggle for you. I am not sure you even know what your plans are.
I have tried to sort things amicably and it has turned sour for various reasons that we are all guilty of.
Again I feel I am left to sort this as you come across as if you are paralysed and struck with fear. You do not know where to turn and are relying on the unwieldy NHS mechanism to point you in the direction.
I cannot help you conquer your demons but I can clearly see what you need to do practically. I know you maybe do not want to hear this from me as you detest my supposed ‘superiority’ and controlling attitude. I beg to differ. My heart is always in the right place. I now know what kind of personality traits I have and I’m learning to work on them for the better. My future sanity depends on me doing this. I need to firm up inside as I am always worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, which makes me into a goody goody when really I have kick ass attitudes in parallel. I am a walking juxtaposition, as we all are. Multi faceted….
I feel like I can’t help but want to fix you and mother you which is I’m sure what slutface wants to do too but not what she thought she was signing up for. Do I proceed?
My clarity is not applicable to you. You cannot see what I can see. I am an empath. I do not know what you are. Only you can evaluate that.
Don’t play games with the doctors, truth and release of fear should hopefully set you free to soar and be the best you can be. Don’t let fear paralyse you.
I am open and worry about others. You appear selfish and only concerned with what benefits you without intentionally upsetting other people. (semi narcissistic? But you do upset them once they realise your lies) Sometimes you have to upset people for your own good. If they are emotionally attuned they will understand….
How would you like to proceed? I’d like separate mediation sessions. A routine for the kids. Time to myself. An evening off every now and again. Money for kids paid. You to contribute to mortgage and bills for your kids else sign house over to me. My name taken off that debt. The 6 grand paid back. Your friend needs paid back his 5 grand. He needs it for his kid too. I think he believes you have defrauded him, as do I. That could become a police or legal matter if he gets desperate.
How do we enable all this? What are your wants and priorities?
I can see a solution for us that involves compromise but I am reluctant to mention it as it makes me angry beyond belief.
I am traumatised by this too. I just have a different way of dealing with it. And to be honest apart from the practicalities I do not know how to proceed. Do I go and fuck it out me with some guy? Do I hide myself away? Do I disappear or relocate? The world is my oyster and I know not what direction to go in. I am tethered by my children. So should you be. Doesn’t stop us living but our priorities should still be them. The two innocents in all this. It is our duty to protect and nourish them, practically and emotionally. Yes I can do it myself as I’ve had no choice but they’d rather you were involved. You have a lot to offer them. You are a special person. You are ultimately kind and decent. You try your hardest. Make yourself proud. Don’t worry about other people. In doing it for yourself you open your kids up to the full potential of life. Don’t be negative. Fight the fear.
My love, always (in some new form now)
x”

Psychology Nutshell

I am not to blame for this. I am processing and holding the broken pieces together. He cannot explain what he has done. He does not know himself well enough to come to terms with it all whereas I’ve been forced to confront and unravel for my own sanity and security.

This is the problem. This is why our relationship was never equal. This is why I done all the providing and giving and hard work when it came to the serious aspects of life. He nodded his head and played along but only so he didn’t have to do any of it himself.

He is a selfish, entitled, narcissist and I am an enabler, a soft touch because I loved him. He took my money, he took my love, he took my ideas, he took my credit, he utilised the best bits of life that I gave him to make it look like it was his life too. He was a passenger and I was the driver. Literally!

He lied to his bitches and some of his friends about being able to drive.  He maintained pretence at all costs. He was never brave enough to vocalise his true feelings. He hid and so dug. A deep whole that is now filed with hatred, malice, upset, confusion, spite, anger, toxicity, denial, shame, sadness. It is a deep black hole. It must be awful to be in that hell. To realise what he has done.

I felt guilty for writing this blog but if I didn’t I would have gone under too. I am the exact opposite of him I talk, I open up, I resolve, I confront. I am not scared. People may hate me or think me crass or stupid but I don’t care. This is my life. He took control away from me. I thought we were on the same path but he was just riding my coat tails.

I loved him which is why I gave, why I encouraged, why I supported. My alarm bells did ring at times but I never doubted him as to this level of deceit and cunning.

I may have lost money, the kids may have lost their father but I still have my pride and dignity and a true heart. It is a tougher heart now complete with railings and padlocks but it still beats in time it still wants to experience the joy life has to offer. It will be unlocked by the right person I’m sure.

This link describes his character perfectly….

http://mental-health-matters.com/how-to-raise-a-narcissist/

 

 

Twinflames and Serendipity~~

#tinaheals

There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense.” – Chuck Palahniuk

I know, I know that it has been a while since I have written from my little black book of Twinflame secrets. Hehe 😉 And although I have not been able to respond to all the messages, I am reading them as and when I find time.

My life is changing every second, I can feel it. The MAGDALENE WOUNDS I have been living with are disappearing and once and for all I will let them go this New Moon in Cancer. As I immerse myself more…

View original post 2,346 more words

Fraud

When the man you’ve been in a two decade relationship with and have two children with scams you out of £18k that’s quite a big betrayal!

Deception, manipulation, lies, betrayal. All one big con! The fact he done similar to two good friends,  totalling another £10 thousand, makes me realise what a duplicitous shit he was!

Whether it went up his nose, lost in a casino or on porn and prostitutes,  I’ll never know because he won’t tell me… He’s too ashamed to open his mouth to explain. Else he can’t explain, he’s  just hard wired wrong.

To always show disgust at things, to slag people off behind their backs, to his kind who think they are so much better than others – that he deserves the best even though he can’t afford it. That’s narcissism!

To put yourself before your wife and kids, that’s selfish narcissism.

To lie at every turn to make yourself look good. That’s narcissism. And stupid. One day you’ll get found out!

When caught, to have no empathy or understanding, or try to make things right. He says the words but the actions are slow to follow. That’s narcissism.

To resent your other half for building a career, working hard, having decent friends.  That’s narcissism.

To run away and hide, make excuses, blame poor health, go down the ‘poor old me’  route; I’m so helpless, I didn’t know what I was doing, “I can’t take responsibility for all this” . That’s just pathetic.

All of it is pathetic!

It only takes a few words. Why so scared?

I am a woman, what’s the worse I can do?

Do you know what….I am over it! He has shown his true colours and they are not very palettable. What a fraud!  And do you know the worst.? It is his kids that will suffer!

He thought he was hard done by not knowing his Dad, but rather than admit that he invented a whole host of lies and cover stories. Jesus! If only he could see himself but he can’t. He says ‘I’ a lot, but never seems to get beyond that stage, words but no action. He should try caring and providing for his helpless kids. Maybe he was the helpless one but I didn’t see it. Maybe I was so used to growing up in the house with a mentally disabled brother that I couldn’t see how a ‘normal’ man develops –  how do I know what a proper man should be like, we were together since he was 17?

I knew he was not as able and capable as my father (a standard we women probably use to judge suitable men more than we realise) but I didn’t think he’d stoop so low as to have two affairs and waste £28,000. Making his children suffer in the long run. Imagine I didn’t have a half decent job, imagine my health was poor (which it has been), would you take up with a man like that? Wait until slutface gets sick or can’t cope… Maybe she can forgive but she’s not been through enough life experiences to realise her true worth!

I supported him. Now it’s slutfaces turn. I am not responsible for him. He is pathetic!  If he didn’t love me than why was he with me for so long? Was I that bad? No, I put a roof over his head! But he slipped up and ‘mummy’  caught him out.

You are now using her. Go stand on your own two feet. Stop hiding behind women! Naturally, a woman wants to be looked after. I have never had that luxury.  I am only ball-sy and tough because I’ve had to be because he lacked the character to live a decent and honest life! Charlatan!

 

Anniversary

It’s 2 years to the day that he fucked Bitch at a wedding they were both working at on the Western Isles…  Happy anniversary! I think a good few of my work colleagues attended that wedding!

Today is also the day he and Slutface are giving up her flat and officially moving ‘up North’. Helped by one of his mates who pleads ignorance about the whole thing… Aye right!

Schadenfreude

I would not normally cut and paste somebody’s full article but I have to.  It is my life I am reading.  It is his actions that have cause me to be in this situation, to be typing this tonight, to be crying, panicking, frustrated, angry, determined not to let his pathetic brain ruin my brain, to fight with all my will, to take strength from my daughter who is a whirlwind, to embrace life, to try give myself again, to make connections that are about me and not based on his needs and wants.

I will not surrender.

I will fight the good, patient fight.

I will know thine enemy.

I will sit. I will wait.

My impatience will not come to the fore for this one. I am all I have.

My strength is my children’s strength.

It is in me.  I can do this!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-creativity-cure/201504/when-sociopath-is-hell-bent-destroying-you

When a Sociopath Is Hell Bent on Destroying You

16 focus points after stunning abuse
Posted Apr 13, 2015

Recent disturbing news involving “evil” actions include the Germanwings crash, Isis beheadings, the murder of an innocent man with a broken taillight by a police officer, a woman putting dead babies in a freezer, the trial of the Boston Marathon bomber and a son murdering a father for reducing his allowance.

In my practice, I have learned of love affairs and abandoned children, rent money squandered on drinking binges and hotels, funds stolen from impaired parents, false accusations of elder abuse by one sibling about another in an effort to destroy family ties and increase inheritance funds, child molestation by teachers and chronic verbal intimidation.

In a review of a new book about Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, http://nyti.ms/1FHNSIi  (link is external) reviewer Asne Seierstad, asks, “Was Mr.Breivik a political terrorist or simply a madman?”

Three Questions to Explore:

  1. Are the perpetrators of such actions evil (connotes powerful), sick (connotes vulnerable) or evil because they are sick?
  2. Are such tendencies innate or are they due to a traumatic upbringing or both?
  3. Can such action be neither sick nor evil but the result of a momentary slip, zealous ideology or the powerful influence of another, sicker mind?

First, let’s look at the dictionary definition of evil.

Evil Defined by Dictionary.com:

  • Morally wrong or bad
  • Wicked
  • Harmful
  • Injurious, unfortunate, disastrous
  • Bad conduct or character
  • Anger or irascibility

Now let’s compare “evil” to the DSM diagnosis of Anti-social Personality Disorder (Psychopathy, Sociopathy)

  • Lying
  • Deceitful
  • Conning
  • Impulsive
  • Aggressiveness
  • Reckless disregard for the safety of others
  • Irresponsible
  • Lack of remorse after hurting others and rationalizing having done so
  • Failure to follow the law

Additional Anti-social Personality descriptions from the Mayo Clinic: http://mayocl.in/1oHdw6H (link is external)

  • Exploits others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or for sheer personal pleasure
  • Intense egocentrism, sense of superiority and exhibitionism
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others by the use of intimidation dishonesty and misrepresentation
  • Lack of empathy for others
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Failure to learn from the negative consequences of behavior
  • Disregard for right and wrong

The evil definition and the antisocial criteria overlap. Clinicians do not use the word evil to describe clients. A charged word that implies moral judgment, evil is not a descriptive term or diagnosis in the DSM.  Dr, Stuart Samenow, author of “Inside the Criminal Mind, (link is external)” covers this in his Psychology Today blog.

Clinically speaking, anti-social personality is hard to treat.

Those afflicted can be calculating, cunning, charming, organized and disarming. Because guilt, shame and remorse are absent yet entitlement, egocentricity and greed reign, the suffering they cause others is meaningless to them. Self-gratification is really all that matters, the guiding principle of daily life.

Often psychopaths try to convince others that they are a persecuted party. Lies roll off the tongue with ease and spontaneity. They justify stealing by falsely claiming that they have been stolen from. Tears fall in the presence of benevolent listeners who may feel they are helping.  But the seeming bond breaks if the antisocial person is crossed and it does not take much. Slight or imagined grievances set off rage, revenge, viciousness and physical or emotional violence. They will go to shocking lengths or depths to malign those who thwart them.

Though brief, psychotic or paranoid episodes might occur, anti-social people are not insane. The main problem is lack of conscience, compassion and reciprocity in relationships. This is still a serious psychological impairment.

How does such a disposition come about? Current research suggests that while nurture plays a role, much of personality and temperament can be attributed to genetics. Modeling is a reality and traumatized children may identify with tormentors but cruel and callous personalities start with hard wiring. Abused, deprived or neglected children can become superstars because they are driven to make things different in a “reaction-formation” sort of way. Thus we cannot assume that abuse begets abuse or that criminal people were mistreated as children. Loving, devoted parents can produce entitled and cruel children who harm them as well as others.

The good news is that even if anatomy is destiny, early behavioral interventions mitigate the chemical make-up and can help children with conduct disorder, a pre-cursor to sociopathy, to self-regulate. These include:

Once it was held that people commit awful or unlawful acts out of desperation and that support and understanding could remedy the underlying injury. True, awareness is useful and forgiveness is commendable but holding the hand of a sociopath leads to disaster. A sympathetic ear fuels entitlement, breeds brazenness and furthers destruction.

The problem is that sociopaths do not look “evil” in the sense that they are masterful at projecting (and utterly convinced of) their own virtue or vulnerability, no matter what havoc they have wreaked. Well meaning but ignorant others enable them. Sometimes others aren’t even that well meaning but rater titillated by a battle. Unconscious sadism directed at those that appear weak might also be at play. Some enjoy seeing others in desperate circumstances as it instills an inner sense of superiority. A schadenfreude- like phenomenon.

At any rate, horrifying psychopathology may be out there or within your own circle. If your brother, sister, cousin or aunt, are thus endowed you might feel ashamed, doomed, tainted, from poor stock, responsible somehow as if you should have been able to stop the madness. It is especially hard to get your mind around it if you are the target. For kin to want to ruin you is a taboo mind twister, but it happens.

If you have been blindsided by stunning malevolence here are 16 Focus Points to help you move on.

16 Focus Points

  1. Survive the event even when you think you cannot (hard to see that there is light when you are in the dark)
  2. Fight despair
  3. Dis-identify with those who do not have your back but should
  4. Find witnesses who mirror, validate and empathize
  5. Associate with people who are compelled by truth
  6. Indulge in comforts till you regain your footing
  7. Get up when you cannot
  8. Break contact and cease dialogue with those who are incapable of acknowledging what they have done. Forever
  9. Brush off debris, detritus, bothersome people who are neutral when being upstanding is called for
  10. Start walking, one foot in front of the other; just move
  11. Take back your productivity
  12. Have faith in your natural capacity for love and joy
  13. Hold on to your mental health by working with a good therapist or spiritual guide
  14. Be a member of a community where emotionally perverse interactions are unacceptable
  15. Reach out to others who suffered the same
  16. Don’t be injured, be angry.

Fury is fine, but do not waste time seeking revenge. Trust that comeuppance occurs with time, truth and the psychopath’s long trail of transgressions. Let it go because what goes around comes around even when you are not trying to influence the outcome.