No Way Back Blog

365 Days Later

Well, a year has gone by. A whole year and I am still here, still facing up to reality, still looking after the kids, still trying to reclaim myself, still having to sort things like mortgages, still having to chase him for money, still having to swallow down my anger, still curling up in a ball crying (but maybe only once a day for about a minute rather than hours of crying).

I never thought I’d get to this point. I’d still smash his face in with a brick but I am so glad to be me. I am so glad to be free from such an unequal partnership. So glad not to be dragging him behind me, so glad not be his ‘mother’. He leaves me feeling depleted. He took all my reserves. The scales were always tipped towards me doing the majority of the work, because that what I thought love was; that it was struggling and working hard to make it work, that effort balanced out the fun.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought we had a good relationship in the way that we were friends who regularly had sex together, then had a laugh and went to the pub now and again do, but we happened to have children and a home together. Unfortunately he never pulled his weight in terms of finances, planning, major decision making. He made it look like he agreed with me but I know now that he secretly resented me. He did not appreciate all that I took care of. I’m not talking about chores but the actual responsibilities of life, the working together towards a future for your family, to see them through, to prepare for hard times, to make life a bit easier so everyday is not a struggle.

I hope he feels sick. I hope he regrets it all. I hope he is choking on her young “entitled millenial” cooking. I hope he is freezing his ass off in their chalet. I hope he is having to work everyday to get by. I hope he feels he could crumble at any minute.

He will never know the joy that his daughter brings me, the laughs I have with my son. His jokes and sense of humour is amazing. I love them to bits and would do anything for them. He does not know what love means. He does nothing for them except ruin their future potential, financially defraud me and them, give them emotional hurdles to cross when they are older and ask why their father wasn’t around.

I will not be friends with someone who cheats, lies, steals, abuses and disrespects me. End of. The three of us deserve more than that. More than he could ever offer. Our love we had for each other as a family was not enough for him. He turned selfish and entitled. I despise him. I hate him. Vengeance is still strong. I wish him ill. Because the pain he has caused me and the pain I know my children will carry is enough to make one crazy. He did say that “people kill over this sort of thing” and yes he’s right. We are all after you with sticks because you are a roach of a human. How his mother sleeps at night i’ll never know…

I lurch from ‘oh, he had a bad childhood and hardships’, to ‘he’s a kiniving cheated, pre-meditating bastard’. Which one is right I’ll never know but he had years of my sympathy and soft approach and I end up feeling like this because of his actions?!

I try to own my anger. I try to divert it but it should and still could be targeted at him. As ever I am bidding my time but I want to lash out whilst it’s fresh, whilst I have just cause. If I don’t deal with it and explode his new life like he exploded mine then it will haunt me for years. Expect more fireworks in the next few weeks. I am not done yet.

Advertisements

The Sun Also Rises

Forgive me. I have not written in a while. I wanted to but I had no energy. By the time I’d thought about and processed my usual thoughts regarding this turmoil, then for the words to leave my fingers and get to this page was all a step too far.

I have came a long way. I am still angry and saddened but I have spark again. I can see a new future. It is shining bright but it is a glint that catches my eye every now and again it’s not a full beam. The people who have got me through may not even realise the enormity of a short chat, a brief text exchange or a knowing look can have. Maybe I read too much into things lol!  But I am learning to go with the flow. Not be so anxious. There is no perfection. We are all tarnished. But it’s the bumps that make you beautiful. A straight line is not exciting.

To be honest I don’t even want to document the latest stages of the saga. How he still will not communicate, how he is not just away for the summer but is moving in to a chalet and buying couches (the same fucking couch we have in our house!) . I still do not think her family knows the carnage he left behind. Well do you know, fucking good luck with that. Build your new life on shaky pegs and it will not hold. It may look solid but I hope it never feels it. I hope slutface is constantly vigilant, on edge and worried she is just a port in a storm. They may prove me wrong and get married and have kids but honestly…. If you have to steal to provide for one family and actually steal from the woman who loves you and gave you that family to do so then it is futile. You are in a vortex that will implode. And it did. Big style. The shrapnel is still flying nearly a year later.

See, the more I type the more of a mess I get into going over it. Trying to understand. It is a logic and way of thinking and conducting oneself that is incomprehensible to me. His brain must be wired differently or at the very least short circuit-ed….

I have so much to offload that I feel like buying a traditional typewriter and hammering the keys, ‘Murder She Wrote’  style. Maybe I could do a Hemingway? Ideally I’d like to be a recluse but I have the kids to think about and I’d miss their fun and smiles. So no, you can’t have everything in this world and if you let greed rule you it will kill you.!

A quote courtesy of Chump lady.com

I have just read this in the comments section of today’s chump lady.com post. I feel this sums up my exs behaviour completely. Jaw dropped. Total nutshell.

“The problem is sexual acting out disorders are not just sexual behaviors (Minwalla, O., 2012), but are also abusive conduct patterns and complex pathologic systems, which often include elaborate deceptive compartmentalized sexual-relational realities and systems of abusive covert management (Jason, S., 2008; Minwalla, O., 2011; Minwalla, O., 2012). These are patterns of methodical planning over time, careful construction of manipulation of others and cognitive schemas well maintained in order to keep a compartmentalized reality protected from discovery (Jason, S., 2008). It takes pre-planning to sexually-act out in many instances, sometimes requiring days of strategizing against the integrity of vital relational stability and family infrastructure required for health. In fact, maintaining a compartmentalized sexual or relational reality within a family system and relational intimate life takes profound energy to orchestrate and maintain, requiring careful and skilled methodology. This is not simply impulsive or compulsive sexual behavior.

A disorder of chronic lying in a family system is pathology and requires treatment, regardless of sexual acting out or not. Chronic patterns of establishing and maintaining a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational system in an intimate relationship or family system, is pathology and harmful, which is more accurate in description then simply “compulsive pornography use”. The process of gaslighting an intimate partner (Jason, S., 2008), the process of intentional psychological manipulation of victim’s reality (Jason, S., 2008) or any human being over time is a form of emotional and psychological abuse and torture, eroding and damaging the victim’s survival instincts and intuition (Minwalla, O., 2011), regardless of sexual behaviors (Jason, S., 2008). Clearly, there exist many symptoms of pathology, beyond the single symptom of “lack of control of specific sexual behaviors” or “compulsivity”.”

Where Now?

Well, I have not written in a while…. I’ve had no time or energy to. Life as a single mum of two kids is in full swing. I had to be signed off work for a while as it was all just too much. Stress, work, school holidays, lawyers, banks, family issues, lack of communication from Mr Arsehole… They all took their toll. They are still taking their toll but I am now at a possible 85% contentment/getting my shit sorted ratio!  I still cry everyday but it is not as overwhelming. We are 10 months since D-day.

Whenever I have a weak moment and feel the pangs of love for him kick in I try to remember all he has done. I think I am addicted to the feeling of him, the space he has left, the hole in my heart that I just want to patch and triage to stop it bleeding anymore… But it needs major surgery. It needs pulled out, disconnected and jumped started!

I am still appalled by the disrespect shown. It may be disrespectful to plaster my business over the Internet, to out his deeds on Facebook, to write this blog but remember… I am doing this anonymously. I am now writing about my life and my issues. I own this story. He handed it to me on a plate. I didn’t even know I was a character in his twisted plot line until I uncovered it for myself. The character traits, back story, location and plot lines he gave me and told the other women about me were pure fabrication so why shouldn’t I now write the truth? Why shouldn’t I clear my mind of the shit he has dumped in it?

Speaking of dumping shit: this week I delivered all the left over catering equipment back to Bitch (cheetoh number one!) It had been in the garage all this time –  nearly two years and I wanted rid. Every time I looked at it it reminded me of the deceit! The plotting and planning. Them sleeping together whilst supposedly working. Him not telling me she was going with him/helping him. It must have been going on longer than I thought, they’d worked together for years previous… And then he flaunts her under my nose, moves her into my old home… Well who’s laughing now. She can have the fucking bowls and serving dishes complete with spider shit and slugs!

Least her business is doing well… Did I tell you she took it on herself (in partnership with another woman) for that I admire her. It was all her idea in the first place he just tagged along and made out to me he was the ideas man and so successful, using my fucking money!

So whenever I have a lapse moment. A for the sake of the kids, should I take him back moment, I go over in my head all the things he has done, all the chances he took and the decisions he made that should have signalled to him to stop. To not forge ahead as the only outcome was going to be a shit fest at some point. My whole life is a shit fest now… 😉 His certainly is. I hear he doesn’t even have a bathroom in the shitty caravan he is living in at the bottom of slutface’s parents garden in the back of beyond.

Let’s list the crap he has done just to solidify and express the utter contempt he must have felt for me and his family:

Cheated on me, his partner of 21 years, with our tenant. So was shagging her in our old family home!

Went abroad with Bitch (tenant) without, obviously telling me or kids. Tells us and rest of family he was away working.

I gave him £6k to buy a cafe with Bitch!

I co-signed a joint loan for £12k for ‘business start up costs’. More like paying off his debts, booking flights and hotels, drinking money, drug money, buying his slags’ gifts, making up for the wages he wasn’t earning….

Was shagging slutface in his work and after work, persuaded her to move closer to us, to our town… Aye, to make it more convenient for him to walk in a triangle from one shag pad to another.

I thought he was “different”. He used to pride himself and reassure me how he wasn’t interested in younger women, with their stupid make up, mad eyebrows  and long hair… He’s now shacked up with ‘little miss 12 years his junior’!

He played the family man card, and was a fuckin’ scout leader! Yet he jeopardised all that to put his dick in a bit of strange! Bravo! “Think of the children!”

Lied to his mates about having a ‘catering truck’.

Lied to his mates and colleagues and slags that he could drive.

Lied about his father and family “origins”. Lied about the supposed death of his father… This is a biggie to me. He couldn’t trust me with his own truth. It runs deep this one. I would have empathised and understood. My compassion is great but he never ‘trusted’ me….

Lied to his kids about where he is staying. Hasn’t said anything to them about where or why he has moved 100 miles away. Leaving all of that up to me to explain. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to fuckin’ do. But I ain’t covering his arse for him in that respect. Fine line.

Took £5k of a mate for starting business.

Took £5k off another mate.

Stole my unworn  Dr marten boots to give to slutface for Christmas. Pathetic! The warped mind…. She is walking in my shoes! Well come be a mother to my children too then!! This act speaks volumes in so many ways! One of the most hurtful in fact. His gift to me repatriated for his next victim! Despicable!

Never paid rent or bills in his life!

Has abandoned and discarded his children. Not seen them properly since January.

Abandoned all his possessions ie left them here.

Also went abroad with 2nd slag, slutface, to same destination he went to with first, and with us as a family.

Went on a jolly to Manchester with slutface telling his family he was working a music festival.

Didn’t earn any decent money for over a year. Too busy shagging part time.

Buying the same items for this home as he did for the business, as he did for Bitch, as he did for slutface and continues to do so.

Told folk I had left him, was living with my parents and he was a single dad.

Had each slut round in my house whilst I was at work and my children slept upstairs.

Took my baby to meet with these other women whilst I was at work.

Allowed the 1st slag to stay over whilst I was away with my eldest child. Apparently the three of them slept together (like a family) on the fold down bed downstairs…. What the hell!!

He lied when at the initial week of confronting him about cheating with number 1,i asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me… I knew about 2nd slag but didn’t tell him. “No nothing. It’s just Bitch. I fell in love with her. It started….”  Wrong date he gave me…

 

Is this enough of a list. Enough of a betrayal? Enough to make me realise he doesn’t deserve me and never did. I dragged his sorry ass along behind me for years. He was just their for the ride.

 

It was a good ride. He paid me off in sex! That’s all it comes down to. Dick. Hole. Switch off any real emotions.

Wow! That was cathartic. Now to hit publish!

Goodnight x

I’d like to thank chumplady.com for gilding my balls in how to approach this level of fucked-uppery! Brilliant website!

www.chumplady.com

 

 

 

 

The Only Rules I Need

I am posting a link to a site that I have just read. It validated me, my thoughts and my healing process. I am NOT abnormal – the situation my ex created is. I was NOT to blame – all his actions came from him and his selfish desires. He disrespected me and my children whilst I gave him too much respect and trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Here is the link to my current salvation!

http://tcat.tc/2oO5HGL

For the Record

Hi, it is 6am and again I can’t sleep… The thoughts still whirr… Things are looking up and with each day comes more of the strength and positive self-affirmation needed to keep me (and my kids) fighting through the upset their father has created.

As is common to some cheated on wives, I initially blamed myself – why did he need to cheat, what did I not provide him with, did he not love us enough..  And I now realise it is none of that. His reasons are and will continue to be his reasons. I gave my all to our relationship and it wasn’t enough. I supported him emotionally, financially, I bent over backwards to allow him to go away ‘working’, he duped his family into babysitting so he could go be with either of his slags…

I maybe gave too much and that is the problem but if I didn’t provide and earn money and look after the kids then we would have been destitute a long time ago. So yes, maybe I took on a more traditional male role but we were both happy with that until he decided to use it to his selfish advantage!

So, I am writing with purpose and to restate that at no point did I ever deny him access to his children. On January 14th (or thereabouts) something changed. He went from being a father who wanted an active role in his kids lives to a bumbling wreck (or pseudo bumbling wreck, (I can’t decide)).  Since then he last seen his children at Easter, for 2 hours. No regular contact has been made by him, no questions asked to me as to their wellbeing, or how school is going. If his mother is passing on information then I damn her too as she is only facilitating his patheticness.

If he turns round at a future date and accuses me of witholding his children from him (when he eventually comes to his senses…) then I write this today, 27th July 2017, to highlight that he abandoned his children. Yes, I asked him to leave the family home but that does not mean he was to discard his children too. If I behaved in a similar way to him I would get charged with child abandonment. I am here for my children, protecting them in any way I can. Protecting them in the real sense. Not hiding them from the reality or cruelty of life but helping them understand why a father could be so cruel. I do not do it with malice or vindictiveness but they need to know the age appropriate reality – their Dad left our family unit to go and pursue his own pleasures, using the family money (ie my money & loans), using his extended family’s generosity of babysitting, lying to everyone and doing a disappearing act… The fact he can’t even have a “breakdown” on his own speaks volumes.

I did not deny him seeing his children, he has not fought to see them (yet perhaps makes out to his new friends and cohorts that he has/is). There has been no communication from him regarding the children. He sent his son sporadic ‘pity me’ emails of no substance but even those have dried up as of May.

What does he want his son to think? Why does he wait for action from other people? If I ‘told’ him or again begged him to see his children then maybe he would but he is a grown man and his decisions are his. I cannot bail or facilitate him any longer. He has cost me dearly. He has broken my heart. And if it had been a ‘traditional’ spousal relationship me and the kids would probably be homeless. If he now comes and says he is ‘well’ and wants to see the children does that excuse his abandonment for 6 months? Does that cancel out the negative affects of a child knowing they are not important enough for their father to make an effort? He is that caught up trying to be respectable in front of his new employers, his new ‘in-laws’, slutface knows his true story and has no compassion or empathy for his kids as either she is damaged too or is so needy she’ll take a man who abandons his kids over self-respect.

Knowing what I know and suspecting what I did and had to report to the authorities there never will be any easy fix to this. I cannot compromise my kids safety and well being. I have been lied to and manipulated by the man I loved. I have no trust in him. He cannot be trusted with his own children’s welfare. He has paid 2 months child support voluntarily now but that does not equate to access and never will. As I believe his mother told him “don’t pay to see your children”. He didn’t pay much (until recently) and he hasn’t seen them for half a year! And has now made it so I can’t let him see them even if he begged. His world is that warped he has every avenue sewn up so he doesn’t have to take responsibility. I’m the baddie coz he his unstable and pathetic. If I show compassion I put my children’s safety at risk…. There is no way to turn.

How Isolation and Loneliness Hurt Anxiety

Fighting for a Future

This is a follow on article from The Perils of Social Isolation in which I explored the pitfalls of isolation and loneliness and just what they were. This article offers solutions on how to combat those pitfalls to avoid the subsequent anxiety brought on by isolation or whichever comes first. It’s a real conundrum, isn’t it? Which comes first the chicken or the egg !!!!

I just need some time alone.” This is one of the most common phrases that those with anxiety say when they experience severe anxiety or stress. It’s also one of the most incorrect statements about how to deal with anxiety.Isolation, loneliness, and simply not conversing with others can have a profoundly negative effect on anxiety, in a way that few people even realise.

This article will explore the problems with being alone and why ensuring some type of social atmosphere is important for controlling anxiety.

View original post 1,022 more words