No Way Back Blog

Praying versus Preying

Oh  lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up.  He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.

I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!

But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!

I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.

I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know.  There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.

I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive…  Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !

My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….

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Nothing…

No gifts, no card, no presents, no phone call, no email.

Yet he can pose with his slut and make out like he’s a great guy catering for his new family!

I despise his gaunt ginger face! She is an ugly, troll who should have walked away months ago but when you get lied to on a regular basis and don’t know it you are happy to think he has your best interests at heart and actually loves you, yet he is game playing and manipulating people into liking him.

He has abandoned his children. He has no fight. He dies not know what love is. He is a coward. He is damaged. I loved him completely. I was lied to daily. He’s not going to change. He is selfish, ignorant, emotionally retarded and just utterly bonkers!! Lip service is his method of operation. No actions just false words.

The Devastation of the Illusion — Knowing the Narcissist

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the…

via The Devastation of the Illusion — Knowing the Narcissist

No Contact

I have been trying to uphold no contact. I do not wish to see, speak or hear from him. Yet I have so much I want to hurl at him. He hurts me and his children yet spends his free time in the pub and going trips, taking no responsibility for his children at all. He is pathetic…

I hear he has been working more hours so I’ve contacted the csa to increase his payments. I am sick of paying for everything.  (I paid for his life for the 17 years that we lived together. I used to get frustrated that he would never contribute to bills. It irritated me a lot but he was a good and attentive father back then so I let it slide). I prided myself on earning enough part time to support us all. I now realise he has no pride or self respect. He is out for himself and must’ve always had been. I would never tolerate that from anyone else so why him?

I was happy, so maybe I have to accept that, I could never have predicted how it would end as he lied so much. I had no chance.

I truly hate him and his actions – he has turned me into a crumpled, non sleeping mess, that I never was before. I am stronger and more confident now but I have so much resentment it chokes me and boils over frequently.

I hear she is taking him to Warsaw for his 40th birthday. Let’s see what chaos happens whilst they are away…. I have a plan! I was thinking to ruin him like he has mentally ruined me. It is taking me all my guts and determination to keep going. To the point I neglect other chores in life to allow me to mentally process my accession.

I have joined two dating websites and the comments of how stunning I am, gorgeous, hot, so pretty are words and phrases I have never heard before. Least not from him! I am amazed It has given me a boost that I sorely needed. Last look 1,422 guys wanted to meet me. That’s 1 a day for the next 4 years nearly!! It’s ridiculous. (Else they are desperate.) I never realised I was desirable before… I thought he was the catch but he is fucking nothing! I would not piss on him if he was on fire! I am liking the attention a little too much then I get frustrated when I can’t go on a date because I have to take care of the kids all the time…

Oh and for more closure – I’ve deleted all his family and friends off Facebook. What’s the point? I’m not really friends with them, just had to tolerate most of them because they came with him. He doesn’t honour them so why should I?  (I do really like a couple of them and it is nothing personal towards them but I honsetly can’t face having any connections with his family. It is too painful. Maybe in time once I am less fragile but it is social media – it doesn’t ultimately matter – [eople arin your life becuae you want them to be, beccause they matter to you…) His mum talks about them all like she is so much better…. I don’t think so. I don’t think any of her sisters sons have done anything remotely like this in their lives…? They all provide for and cherish their children.

I hope it will be worth all the chaos and fallout. This is not my doing.  This is not my responsibility. I’ll do what suits me. He has discarded his kids and nothing he can say or say or do from now on in will make that up.

I’m off to do Santa presents on my own cause he doesn’t give a shit about his children!

Idiots

I am pushed to the limit each day. All I want to do is hide. I am calmer emotionally but events still grate.

The latest is slutface replying to an email (I eventually had to include her in the chain knowing this would get me a response). If I can embarrass him in front of her to get what I want then I will. In my original email I suggested that I’d have no hesitation in visiting the hotel, with the kids in order to sort what is required. I meant this as a threat, to cause a scene. To inform her parents. To get him to sign. To shame him. To put the boot in. To release my anger. Not as a friendly gesture or for the kids benefit.  Do these idiots have no concept?

She now replies saying that might be a good idea as he misses them terribly. Well, if he misses them terribly then do something about it. Why not drive down to see them? But he can’t drive…  But he told everyone else he could…! He tries to make it sound as if I am denying him access when he has never even requested a visit or to see them since Easter. I am not laying it on a plate. I am not responsible for his actions. He said he would put kids first and he hasn’t. He’s put himself first throughout. He’s made everyone’s life a misery to match his. Well no longer. He can fuck right off. I am no pleading with him to be involved with his own children. That should come naturally. You do not treat your own kids like disposable pawns. You do not think it a good idea to bring your kids to visit your ex who lives in a caravan in strangers back garden with a woman who has no morals or concept of emotional maturity, decency or respect. Go for it lady but you’ve chosen an idiot.

He was my idiot but you can have him. He is no value to me now. He wrung me out emotionally and financially. Hell, even physically, as I was exhausted bearing the load for everything. It was not a partnership it was parent and child. I am an idiot! I deserve more. My kids deserve more.

He lacks in every angle. No money, no morals, no sense, no compassion, no shame. Take, take, take all his life and I didn’t help because I gave and gave. That is love.

365 Days Later

Well, a year has gone by. A whole year and I am still here, still facing up to reality, still looking after the kids, still trying to reclaim myself, still having to sort things like mortgages, still having to chase him for money, still having to swallow down my anger, still curling up in a ball crying (but maybe only once a day for about a minute rather than hours of crying).

I never thought I’d get to this point. I’d still smash his face in with a brick but I am so glad to be me. I am so glad to be free from such an unequal partnership. So glad not to be dragging him behind me, so glad not be his ‘mother’. He leaves me feeling depleted. He took all my reserves. The scales were always tipped towards me doing the majority of the work, because that what I thought love was; that it was struggling and working hard to make it work, that effort balanced out the fun.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought we had a good relationship in the way that we were friends who regularly had sex together, then had a laugh and went to the pub now and again do, but we happened to have children and a home together. Unfortunately he never pulled his weight in terms of finances, planning, major decision making. He made it look like he agreed with me but I know now that he secretly resented me. He did not appreciate all that I took care of. I’m not talking about chores but the actual responsibilities of life, the working together towards a future for your family, to see them through, to prepare for hard times, to make life a bit easier so everyday is not a struggle.

I hope he feels sick. I hope he regrets it all. I hope he is choking on her young “entitled millenial” cooking. I hope he is freezing his ass off in their chalet. I hope he is having to work everyday to get by. I hope he feels he could crumble at any minute.

He will never know the joy that his daughter brings me, the laughs I have with my son. His jokes and sense of humour is amazing. I love them to bits and would do anything for them. He does not know what love means. He does nothing for them except ruin their future potential, financially defraud me and them, give them emotional hurdles to cross when they are older and ask why their father wasn’t around.

I will not be friends with someone who cheats, lies, steals, abuses and disrespects me. End of. The three of us deserve more than that. More than he could ever offer. Our love we had for each other as a family was not enough for him. He turned selfish and entitled. I despise him. I hate him. Vengeance is still strong. I wish him ill. Because the pain he has caused me and the pain I know my children will carry is enough to make one crazy. He did say that “people kill over this sort of thing” and yes he’s right. We are all after you with sticks because you are a roach of a human. How his mother sleeps at night i’ll never know…

I lurch from ‘oh, he had a bad childhood and hardships’, to ‘he’s a kiniving cheated, pre-meditating bastard’. Which one is right I’ll never know but he had years of my sympathy and soft approach and I end up feeling like this because of his actions?!

I try to own my anger. I try to divert it but it should and still could be targeted at him. As ever I am bidding my time but I want to lash out whilst it’s fresh, whilst I have just cause. If I don’t deal with it and explode his new life like he exploded mine then it will haunt me for years. Expect more fireworks in the next few weeks. I am not done yet.

The Sun Also Rises

Forgive me. I have not written in a while. I wanted to but I had no energy. By the time I’d thought about and processed my usual thoughts regarding this turmoil, then for the words to leave my fingers and get to this page was all a step too far.

I have came a long way. I am still angry and saddened but I have spark again. I can see a new future. It is shining bright but it is a glint that catches my eye every now and again it’s not a full beam. The people who have got me through may not even realise the enormity of a short chat, a brief text exchange or a knowing look can have. Maybe I read too much into things lol!  But I am learning to go with the flow. Not be so anxious. There is no perfection. We are all tarnished. But it’s the bumps that make you beautiful. A straight line is not exciting.

To be honest I don’t even want to document the latest stages of the saga. How he still will not communicate, how he is not just away for the summer but is moving in to a chalet and buying couches (the same fucking couch we have in our house!) . I still do not think her family knows the carnage he left behind. Well do you know, fucking good luck with that. Build your new life on shaky pegs and it will not hold. It may look solid but I hope it never feels it. I hope slutface is constantly vigilant, on edge and worried she is just a port in a storm. They may prove me wrong and get married and have kids but honestly…. If you have to steal to provide for one family and actually steal from the woman who loves you and gave you that family to do so then it is futile. You are in a vortex that will implode. And it did. Big style. The shrapnel is still flying nearly a year later.

See, the more I type the more of a mess I get into going over it. Trying to understand. It is a logic and way of thinking and conducting oneself that is incomprehensible to me. His brain must be wired differently or at the very least short circuit-ed….

I have so much to offload that I feel like buying a traditional typewriter and hammering the keys, ‘Murder She Wrote’  style. Maybe I could do a Hemingway? Ideally I’d like to be a recluse but I have the kids to think about and I’d miss their fun and smiles. So no, you can’t have everything in this world and if you let greed rule you it will kill you.!