Oh lordy, where to start today? This morning it hit me all again. I go about the morning business, trying to cajole the kids, get them dressed and out the door on time, do packed lunches, find p.e. kits and yet in my mind, which is always whirring, is the thought that he has got this all sewn up. He has manipulated everyone to such an extent that I may now become the bad guy. I’m seeing everything 360 degrees. My awareness has rocketed to such an extent that it panics me, that I cannot trust, that I will be forever doubtful of any man I next meet or encounter. I cannot level that amount of belief in love anymore. I cannot believe that because someone loves you or pretends to love you they are wholesome.
I feel like I’ve been fooled. That I’ve been played and used and discarded. He was never in it for the ecstasy of being in love, for family and future – he does not have that in his core. Was he in it because he felt he had no other choice? If he did enjoy being part of our family, if he ever did love me then what happened to it? Where did it go? Why did he turn into an entitled manipulative, lying user? I think he must’ve been always like that and given his current age and circumstances this may have led him to unravel but instead of admitting he wasn’t happy or dealing with his emotions about us, the kids, our home, family, he decided to use and abuse and get one over on people. But enough I should not be focussing on him I should be looking after myself!
But that is my point… I had no ‘real’ issues until his choices impacted my life. I was lucky that nothing traumatic had ever happened to me thus far. I had usual niggles and woes but nothing of this magnitude. There was no elephant in the room, now there are several, new ones are created every day it feels, and to be honest they still aren’t really mine. It’s as if I am just baby-sitting them for a while. I don’t know how long for but I refuse to let his actions determine my mental health. I refuse!
I honestly think he is either so stupid else so manipulative that he actually does have this all sewn up. He can complain to half his cronies that I am denying him access to see his children, knowing that they’ll believe him because I am hurt, but he will not tell them why I am within my rights to deny him access and why he has not made one move to see them all year. He will not tell them that it is easier for him not to see them so he can spend quality time with slutface and settle in with the Xxxx family and truly manipulate them into liking him and caring for him but never revealing the horrible lies and cowardice he has shown to me and the kids and ulitmately the rest of his family.
I do believe he harmed my daughter in some way and he knows I know… His mother knows I know. My parents know I know. The health visitor knows I know. There is more to this whole story than anyone will divulge. Everything gets twisted to look like they are the ‘good’ parties but they are not. He never asks to see the kids because he knows I will not let him. I am protective and caring of my kids, I want the best for them so I will not allow someone who I suspect of abusing them anywhere near them. He can go around saying I have issue but my only issue is him and his actions. I was happy before. I was in ignorance before.
I now think that all men have secrets and most of it is to do with sex. The attainment, the procurement, the damage they will do do get it, the lives they will destroy just so they can stick their dick in. The children thay will abuse and assault because they are weaker, the woment they will rape because they feel entitled. It’s rife. It is right here on your doorstep, it affects far more people than will ever be admitted to. The primal drive needs to be balanced with the moral wisdom and understanding but a lot of humans can’t do this. They are neanderthals with no emotional intelligence. Else the intelligence gets switched off to suit. It’s one upmanship for what? For survival? It is instinctive… Now I am just rambling but I hope you get my point? Compassion, empathy and principles disappear when sex is involved. People will go dizzy, spend a fortune, deceive to get it. It’s actually quite pathetic when one thinks about it….(and I know the same can apply to women too…!) I will stop now !
My original reason for posting is this – it is all twisted! He did not send the kids a christmas present! He has not contcacted them. It has been my son that has been intitiating contact for the past few months. Slutface is taking him to Warsaw as a present for his 40th birthday. He has time to go away for that yet not see his kids? He has time to cater for slutface’s family at christmas, yet not cater for his own. My depths of ‘despisment’ are growing deeper yet the impact it has on me, because of my fortitude, is more one of ‘meh….’ and makes me laugh! It is so pathetic and he has made it so….