Schadenfreude

I would not normally cut and paste somebody’s full article but I have to.  It is my life I am reading.  It is his actions that have cause me to be in this situation, to be typing this tonight, to be crying, panicking, frustrated, angry, determined not to let his pathetic brain ruin my brain, to fight with all my will, to take strength from my daughter who is a whirlwind, to embrace life, to try give myself again, to make connections that are about me and not based on his needs and wants.

I will not surrender.

I will fight the good, patient fight.

I will know thine enemy.

I will sit. I will wait.

My impatience will not come to the fore for this one. I am all I have.

My strength is my children’s strength.

It is in me.  I can do this!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-creativity-cure/201504/when-sociopath-is-hell-bent-destroying-you

When a Sociopath Is Hell Bent on Destroying You

16 focus points after stunning abuse
Posted Apr 13, 2015

Recent disturbing news involving “evil” actions include the Germanwings crash, Isis beheadings, the murder of an innocent man with a broken taillight by a police officer, a woman putting dead babies in a freezer, the trial of the Boston Marathon bomber and a son murdering a father for reducing his allowance.

In my practice, I have learned of love affairs and abandoned children, rent money squandered on drinking binges and hotels, funds stolen from impaired parents, false accusations of elder abuse by one sibling about another in an effort to destroy family ties and increase inheritance funds, child molestation by teachers and chronic verbal intimidation.

In a review of a new book about Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, http://nyti.ms/1FHNSIi  (link is external) reviewer Asne Seierstad, asks, “Was Mr.Breivik a political terrorist or simply a madman?”

Three Questions to Explore:

  1. Are the perpetrators of such actions evil (connotes powerful), sick (connotes vulnerable) or evil because they are sick?
  2. Are such tendencies innate or are they due to a traumatic upbringing or both?
  3. Can such action be neither sick nor evil but the result of a momentary slip, zealous ideology or the powerful influence of another, sicker mind?

First, let’s look at the dictionary definition of evil.

Evil Defined by Dictionary.com:

  • Morally wrong or bad
  • Wicked
  • Harmful
  • Injurious, unfortunate, disastrous
  • Bad conduct or character
  • Anger or irascibility

Now let’s compare “evil” to the DSM diagnosis of Anti-social Personality Disorder (Psychopathy, Sociopathy)

  • Lying
  • Deceitful
  • Conning
  • Impulsive
  • Aggressiveness
  • Reckless disregard for the safety of others
  • Irresponsible
  • Lack of remorse after hurting others and rationalizing having done so
  • Failure to follow the law

Additional Anti-social Personality descriptions from the Mayo Clinic: http://mayocl.in/1oHdw6H (link is external)

  • Exploits others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or for sheer personal pleasure
  • Intense egocentrism, sense of superiority and exhibitionism
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others by the use of intimidation dishonesty and misrepresentation
  • Lack of empathy for others
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviors
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Failure to learn from the negative consequences of behavior
  • Disregard for right and wrong

The evil definition and the antisocial criteria overlap. Clinicians do not use the word evil to describe clients. A charged word that implies moral judgment, evil is not a descriptive term or diagnosis in the DSM.  Dr, Stuart Samenow, author of “Inside the Criminal Mind, (link is external)” covers this in his Psychology Today blog.

Clinically speaking, anti-social personality is hard to treat.

Those afflicted can be calculating, cunning, charming, organized and disarming. Because guilt, shame and remorse are absent yet entitlement, egocentricity and greed reign, the suffering they cause others is meaningless to them. Self-gratification is really all that matters, the guiding principle of daily life.

Often psychopaths try to convince others that they are a persecuted party. Lies roll off the tongue with ease and spontaneity. They justify stealing by falsely claiming that they have been stolen from. Tears fall in the presence of benevolent listeners who may feel they are helping.  But the seeming bond breaks if the antisocial person is crossed and it does not take much. Slight or imagined grievances set off rage, revenge, viciousness and physical or emotional violence. They will go to shocking lengths or depths to malign those who thwart them.

Though brief, psychotic or paranoid episodes might occur, anti-social people are not insane. The main problem is lack of conscience, compassion and reciprocity in relationships. This is still a serious psychological impairment.

How does such a disposition come about? Current research suggests that while nurture plays a role, much of personality and temperament can be attributed to genetics. Modeling is a reality and traumatized children may identify with tormentors but cruel and callous personalities start with hard wiring. Abused, deprived or neglected children can become superstars because they are driven to make things different in a “reaction-formation” sort of way. Thus we cannot assume that abuse begets abuse or that criminal people were mistreated as children. Loving, devoted parents can produce entitled and cruel children who harm them as well as others.

The good news is that even if anatomy is destiny, early behavioral interventions mitigate the chemical make-up and can help children with conduct disorder, a pre-cursor to sociopathy, to self-regulate. These include:

Once it was held that people commit awful or unlawful acts out of desperation and that support and understanding could remedy the underlying injury. True, awareness is useful and forgiveness is commendable but holding the hand of a sociopath leads to disaster. A sympathetic ear fuels entitlement, breeds brazenness and furthers destruction.

The problem is that sociopaths do not look “evil” in the sense that they are masterful at projecting (and utterly convinced of) their own virtue or vulnerability, no matter what havoc they have wreaked. Well meaning but ignorant others enable them. Sometimes others aren’t even that well meaning but rater titillated by a battle. Unconscious sadism directed at those that appear weak might also be at play. Some enjoy seeing others in desperate circumstances as it instills an inner sense of superiority. A schadenfreude- like phenomenon.

At any rate, horrifying psychopathology may be out there or within your own circle. If your brother, sister, cousin or aunt, are thus endowed you might feel ashamed, doomed, tainted, from poor stock, responsible somehow as if you should have been able to stop the madness. It is especially hard to get your mind around it if you are the target. For kin to want to ruin you is a taboo mind twister, but it happens.

If you have been blindsided by stunning malevolence here are 16 Focus Points to help you move on.

16 Focus Points

  1. Survive the event even when you think you cannot (hard to see that there is light when you are in the dark)
  2. Fight despair
  3. Dis-identify with those who do not have your back but should
  4. Find witnesses who mirror, validate and empathize
  5. Associate with people who are compelled by truth
  6. Indulge in comforts till you regain your footing
  7. Get up when you cannot
  8. Break contact and cease dialogue with those who are incapable of acknowledging what they have done. Forever
  9. Brush off debris, detritus, bothersome people who are neutral when being upstanding is called for
  10. Start walking, one foot in front of the other; just move
  11. Take back your productivity
  12. Have faith in your natural capacity for love and joy
  13. Hold on to your mental health by working with a good therapist or spiritual guide
  14. Be a member of a community where emotionally perverse interactions are unacceptable
  15. Reach out to others who suffered the same
  16. Don’t be injured, be angry.

Fury is fine, but do not waste time seeking revenge. Trust that comeuppance occurs with time, truth and the psychopath’s long trail of transgressions. Let it go because what goes around comes around even when you are not trying to influence the outcome.

Simplify It

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

How can I put this simply so people understand? So I understand? What do I need to say in a nutshell so folk grasp the true absurdity, cowardice and selfishness of his actions (note to self: I think you are talking to yourself again…)

He started cheating on me when my daughter was 2 months old (else it had started way before this and it was only consummated then). He was seeing the lady who rented our old home off us, they used to work together. I didn’t know her. She tells me he persuaded her to move into our old flat. He brought her round to our home for me to meet her before we gave her the lease but really he was just flaunting her under my nose to see what he could get away with or if I suspected anything.

He said he would cater a friends wedding in Skye. He never mentioned she was going with him. I thought he was great doing this big job on his own. In reality he could never have catered it by himself. This was in June 2015.

I was off on maternity leave for 11 months. Right up until March 2016. In February 2016 he had sex with another colleague from a different and most recent place of employment. He was also still seeing lady number one.

In October 2015 he packed his job in and lady number 2, that he originally hired, took over from him. I think he only occasionally worked there and not full time like he said. He worked partly at another pub (so he tells me) but that could be lies too…

Around about February 2016 he came to me and told me he’d be keen to start his own business. He started to look at premises. He eventually found a place near by us. What he didn’t tell me was that this was all getting properly planned behind my back with lady number 1, whose idea it really was and he tagged along for the ride claiming it was his baby and his adventure, that he was doing it for our family and our kids future (that is probably what I wanted to hear so he told me it).

I thought it strange that he had no formal business plan, that there was no paper work but he said he didn’t work like that and it was all in his head. He’d go to meetings with the bank, trade fairs, but I wasn’t needed. He’d talk about décor ideas with me and menu ideas but all the while these were probably ideas he’d already discussed with her.

He then applied for a loan to help with the business start up costs. He was refused because of his credit rating. He’d never had any credit in his life so was an unknown risk. He asked, or I volunteered, to apply jointly with him for one and this time he got it. £12,000 – a years wage for him, but he also said he needed £6,000 to pay the lawyers fees and lease etc. I took £3,000 from my account and then another £3,000 was added to the mortgage. He was going to let me take it out our sons savings account but I could not get to the bank to withdraw it .

He also took £5,000 off a friend who was our ex neighbour, who lived under the flat that we rent out to woman number 1. He told me that it was a different friend who had given him this money. Maybe both of them gave him it…

This is all so warped and confusing….

I questioned him as to why the business was so expensive. That I didn’t think it was worth it. He explained it away by saying he’d have a lot of stock to buy and repairs to carry out before it could be opened. I left him to it because I trusted him and I was busy with a baby and suffering anxiety and postnatal problems (I wonder why?).

He was the father of my children. We’d been together for 21 years. I supported him and encouraged him, little knowing that he was probably applauding himself for how smart he was that he could juggle a family, me his fiancé, a new business venture, a girlfriend, a slapper and work jobs away.

Most of the catering jobs he pretended to take were covers so he could go away on holiday with whichever one of them was free. We went to Berlin as a family back in 2014, before I got pregnant, He went with lady one to Berlin in October 2015 and again with lady two to Berlin in November 2016. His business was going to be a Berlin street food themed café. Lots of research needed then, eh?

He has also been to a wedding as her partner, in front of all her friends, he has met her parents, her mother has his artwork on her walls. Lady two has introduced him to her parents, she did not fully know about lady number one and thought she was just his ‘business partner’ and they’d had a brief fling together but it was nothing serious. And there is poor lady number one turning up at his work, where lady two also works and sitting with them having drinks whilst he knows he his shagging both of them behind the others backs and then also coming home to me and his kids!! What an ego! What an arrogant fucktard.

I found this all out by seeing a text message. I know men can be unfaithful and that takes deception but this is beyond even that. This is not giving a shit about anyone. Least of all his kids. This is thinking he is so clever that he can pull all this off and none of us would notice. Perhaps I didn’t notice for 18months but I had my suspicions but chose not to listen or when I did confront about certain things he’d have plausible reasons or else be so convincing I was calmed down. My gut told me the truth and I refused to listen. My pride about not wanting to upset the apple cart or criticise him for not earning enough because I didn’t want to hurt his pride nearly destroyed me emotionally. I thought we were set for life together. He made all the right noises. But actually he was a cheating bastard who had probably longed to sleep with many woman (or has) behind my back but didn’t want to leave me as he had it too easy. He could spend his wages on trainers and aeroplanes whilst I paid all the bills because I earned more than he did. He stayed home to look after the kids. He hates pressure so when I got ill during pregnancy he probably panicked thinking this was going to be on his shoulders. His reaction to that is to give up completely and bite the hand that feeds him.

simplify your life in wood type

We had it good and a fair balance that we were both happy with. We both worked part time, we both looked after kids but he wanted more. More women. Fair enough but be honest about it please, or at least have a conversation with me saying how you feel, that you are not happy, that the sex is boring, that you want something else… Don’t do what you think people want you to do or say because look at the shit one ends up in.

This is still too much to simplify. I’ll have to take a break for now. I’ll write more when I have the energy and it’s not 2 o’clock in the morning….

Auf wiedersehen.

Prostitution

Well, another piece clicked – “prostitute, I’m a male prostitute” – he prostitutes himself. He can switch off from the act, pretend he’s enjoying it but would really be rather going solo. I alwys thought it was because I wasn’t enough for him. Couldn’t sate him but he was obsessed. But most guys are obsessed so no real clue discovered there…

He prostituted himself to Bitch and she paid me the rent. She paid me to sleep with him. He placed her in a position where she was paying to spend time with him. It seemed to serve a practical purpose; she needed a place to live and ours was convenient, he manipulated or subtly coerced her into moving there for his own ends, she thought he had her best interests at heart and everyone wins. Nobody had won. We are all suffering and bumbling by.

He stopped sleeping with me. No wonder if he was getting it new someplace else. Then doubly so come the time him and Slutface got it together in February 2016. I possibly wasn’t as loving as much, considering we’d just had a baby – sex goes by the wayside when a new baby is in the house but he couldn’t face that. He probably done so long without it for 7 months during my pregnancy so felt entitled to go claim someone new… even though it was his choice not to sleep with me when I was pregnant and there was me gagging for it, saying it was an ideal time. This pregnancy had been horrendous, I was so ill, vomiting blood, sick 24 /7, dizzy constantly, faint, thyroid problems. I was loosing weight and I should have been blooming. I ws so ill and of work for 11 weeks. It was an awful experience and I’m so glad my first pregnancy hadn’t been like thatas I would never had ventured there again if I thought I’d have to feel like that again. It was a mess, I was a mess and he retreated. He withheld from me, just like he withheld a whole host of other topics.

I was tired, traumatised and on edge and he never felt like dong it or showed any inclination that he felt loving towards me at all. An occasional pat on the head but no big show of affections. Even when I think back. I offered myself to him that night on Remembrance Sunday and he turned me down. Yet more discards. He held the power in his twisted way. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t need me. I feel I played my hand too early giving him that letter I wrote – saying I could do it on my own, that I could bring up the kids without him, Yes he hid it but I bet that enraged him as it spoikled his plans. He is away month ahead but it will catch up with him. He will regret what he has lost but I can’t do anything about that now.

He would never have thought that me and Bitch might talk or that I’d track down what he’d been up to. I knew something was off when we went away for a weekend and during our adult time together he started role playing that he was a male prostitute. I played along, why not, but it felt to me like it was coming from a different place in his brain, like it was an augmented reality. Like he was testing me to see what he could get away with whilst also boasting at the same time. Slutface told me she had the same scenario with him too. That’s good, least he doesn’t vary his chat or technique too much. One size fits all so it would seem!

 

Have You Seen Who He Is With?

Another wow factor! This is so the truth in my situation. I am glad it is a recognised condition. My brain does not work like his. I’m not saying I’m better but I don’t use people for my own vanity and esteem. Yet!
Does being victim to this boost ones resolve to not be walked over again which give one more oomph and self confidence which could then be perceived as narcissistic in how you treat people. It is a fine line.
I now have 4 suitors – how do I cope? What do I do? I feel bad. One would be enough but it is like the universe is giving me some choices. Choices that I never had these past years. I feel validated, worthwhile, that I could mean something to someone else, that people want to know me. That I can survive this trauma. I will not turn arrogant just more confident. I will not be cruel just straight talking. I treat others how I’d like to be treated; Honesty, clarity, empathy and respect.

Knowing the Narcissist

HAVE YOU SEEN

 

You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not…

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