I haven’t posted in a very long time. I’ve had no need or inclination to. I’ve no more to purge about my ex partner’s treatment of me or his children. What he does is what he chooses to do. ‘As within, so without’.
I totally realise that i can’t make him pay his debts – the courts can. I can’t make him pay for his children – the Child Maintenance Service can. The law can. I won’t make him see his children when he knows he is in the wrong and not a good influence for them or trustworthy. His children have got used to him not being around. They had to. He gave them no choice. All his choices…
I meanwhile have to work hard, organise projects in a stressful job, pay all the bills, do all the child-rearing, organise everything, deal with breast cancer, help my son navigate exams, colleges and jobs, parent a moody teenager, educate my daughter, do the chores, treat nits multiple times, grocery shop & budget, tackle house-keeping, do the cooking, host playdates, days out, holidays, keep up with the laundry, decorating, gardening, car maintenance, no time for my hobbies or proper dating, look after my elderly parents and extremely neurodivergent brother, keep up with my volunteer roles and have my own life whilst caring for others. Ex-partner meanwhile still only cares about himself and doesn’t grasp the magnitude of his sociopathic actions. He appears stunted and incapable and i can’t change that. He doesn’t see us as important. Slutface’s family are more important to impress and bond with, not his own. We don’t matter to him. Daddy’s playing a new role now. He takes no responsibility for any of his actions.
The impact hemis actions left has taken it’s toll on me obviously; PTSD, anxiety, depression, mad one-night flings, drinking, rage, embarrassment, time-consuming correspondences, stress, being scared of who he actually is, changing the locks, financially costly consequences, attending counselling, on anti-anxiety meds, getting rid of his stuff, solo-parenting, doing the school run EVERY morning, not being able to be ill in peace = burn-out. Yet the freedom and enforced self-help, counselling sessions, the learning, the adventures, the encounters with handsome men, the eating what i want to, not having to wax my legs, making decisions without his pretence input, the room in my king-size bed, spending precious time with my kids, teaching them life-skills, amazing & kind friends, going to gigs (I even go myself sometimes as no-one ever wants to attend a Morrissey concert with me đŸ¤£đŸ¤£), learning more about myself, spiritually awakening, recognising what’s important in life, not caring what others think, finding my own styles, getting braces on my teeth, going for massages and spas. For all the difficulties I love my life. His actions and lack is just the mouldy icing that isn’t needed on our yummy cake. We were the victims of him but he is actually more the victim of himself.
I’ve mentioned before about life coaches and authors that have helped me on my discoveries. One I would particularly like to mention is Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Her YouTube videos are amazing and her new book is eye opening. Learning about personalities and character traits has been enjoyable for me, it’s so interesting and envigorating. Counselling or psychology feels like it could be a new career for me. I love learning about how humans function. So I’d recommend Dr. Ramani’s new book, “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility”. Give it a read or listen.
I still think, ‘How careless to lose a lovely partner (me), a lovely life and darling children‘. We were dismissed and devalued. So what? We don’t need him. We don’t respect him either. He made his decisions without any consideration for us. His arrogance – we were called “collateral damage” by him. We weren’t perfect as a couple but it wasn’t a hideous life that waranted so many sneaky & duplicitous actions. He didn’t seem to see the joys right in front of him. Compulsive sex & validation seeking drove him. He was on ‘Fabswingers‘, a sex romp seeking website, he was also on ‘Ashley Madison‘. (I hope he got loads of pussy behind my back lol! My STDs were clear thanks!)
Drug-taking and partying seemed to drive him. Escapism drove him. Saying he hadn’t slept with enough women drove him (or men?). Lies and fabricated stories bolstered him. His little plagarised artworks drove him. Everything else was put befire me and his kids. Oh well, his choice. His self-esteem and validation seeking are way more important than his own children. He can’t be alone, wouldn’t know how to cope with himself. He had to have 3 women on the go to feel powerful. How sad and grasping. His shame. His choices.
Listen to “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility by Ramani S. Durvasula PhD on Audible. https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B07YL9XXYN?source_code=ASSORAP0511160007
No Way Back 