I never thought I’d see this day. It’s been a long time coming. I am internally calm. The lessons have truely been learned and I feel an empowerment and pride that I was able to keep going as I did. I have purged. Finally!
All the pieces of the jigsaw fit. I can see who I am now, and how who I was when I was with my ex was not my true being. I was stifled. I pandered. I worried. I craved support in its many forms and all I got was food made for me… I thought that was enough. I knew he was ‘odd’ but I didn’t truely know he was damaged. He never admitted or spoke his truth to me so there was no support of an emotional nature sought out by him and he never opened up fully to me, even after 21 years. He was an island, doing his own thing, making questionable choices, lying to me daily, lying to everyone (and himself), pretending, gaslighting me & others, making stuff up, jumping from job to job (over 30 in twenty years). Oddities that I glossed over cause I never thought he would do me any harm. He near left me for dead – PTSD, grief, emotional breakdown, financial hardship, new baby, depression and post-natal anxiety, single parenting, teenage son with suspected aspergers, juggling all family life on my own, paying all the bills, chasing him for child support, having his Bitch as a tenant in our old home, dealing with an “entitled millennial” as the other other woman (slutface) who thought me taking £20 out my joint account with him was me causing his financial hardship and being cruel to him, who cannot see the pain she has caused, who is frankly laughable with her immaturity and self righteousness. Their egos are a well made match.
I am glad. Gladden-ed to have new emotions & self awareness, to feel deeply, to work through new challenges. I am lazy (lol) but I am a fighter. It has been traumatic and painful and I often gave up hope and crumpled many times. Yet parallel to this is why my children are surviving and thriving despite the circumstances. Because of me. If it was up to their father they’d have no house, no food, no clothes, no happiness. He didn’t care enough for them and he’s made that quite obvious.
Yet, his mother is the complete opposite and uses a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Threatens me with court, lawyers letters, records our phone call, has no empathy for me, or only a veneer of empathy. She wants what she wants (to see her grandkids every week, which is understandable) yet she does not hold her son accountable. It’s his mess. He should be responsible for his family. Me, who is holding it all together, has to manage her actions too! The whole thing is laughable when you step back and stop analysing the individual nuances of each of our characters and the parts we play. I refuse to play anymore.
I’ve sent Bitch an eviction letter. About time. 4 years down the tracks and she’s still on the fringes of my life. Admittedly she is paying for my children’s clothes and food which gave me some satisfaction, but now I just see it as an unnecessary cloud that hangs over me /us.
How do my kids feel about the other women living in their old home? It’s nonsense, I can see it now. I presumed her own shame would have helped her move on but she is obviously lacking in that department. My mental clarity is more important than her giving me money. I need totally cleansed and she is the last bit of dirt.
Lockdown life has been hard but I’ve loved it. I like my own company so I have thrived, meditated, cleansed my head, downloaded new information and gathered my true soul back together. I feel impervious to all around. I want to keep my bubble strong.
I’m actually loving life. Warts and all. I can cope. It’s been proven!
No Way Back 